So yeah.... Life is still utterly complex, and stupid, and really getting to me..... The stresses of everything that's going on in our life is getting to the point my anxiety is starting to flare badly again.... I'm having the reoccuring nightmares again that I haven't had in almost 2 years.... I woke up last night almost in tears, ready to scream simply because of the nightmare I'd been having.... The nightmares I have suck in and of themselves, but then, they lock me in them. I will wake up anywhere from 2-8 times during the dream, trying to desperately get away from whatever the terror is, to only find that I'm STILL asleep.... I woke up 4 times in the dream last night before I actually hit consciousness... It's horrifying.... If you've never had the experience of being trapped in a nightmare like that, it's hard to understand, but it is EXTREMELY disturbing.....

Aside from all of that, the job situation is still not getting any better... I can't get commissions enough to come in to balance out our budget. Chance can't find a job no matter how hard he tries. I've put in so many applications myself, it's disgusting.... We're running out of time, and space to where we can actually cover everything.... We need some sort of work, and soon, or we're utterly screwed.... We were able to prevent our internet from being shut off a while back because of the graciousness of a friend... We managed to prevent our electricity from being shut off because magic, I guess. I'm not sure HOW the hell we managed that, but we did. Now, we're stuck in a financial trap where whatever bill that comes in next is just going to have to eat it. Regardless if it's electricity or what, we just can't pay it.... At the very least we have help with paying for food, so we can eat at the very least... We may end up having to go raw if we lose power, since nothing will keep, and we won't be able to cook... I just don't know what to do.... I really don't....

I'm so stressed out about everything, I just want to sit and cry half the time... I'm doing my best to just ignore the strain and just keep working on my commissions, and getting things done, and making progress, but I'm failing.... I'm falling farther and farther into an extremely nasty pit of depression, and I really don't know what to do... I feel like I'm drowning in life.... I feel hopeless... I feel like the life I want will never happen... It feels like I have no future, no hope, nowhere to go.... I feel trapped... I feel like I'll never succeed.... I feel like garbage...in every sense of the phrase/word.... I truly do.... I feel like I'll never be able to go back to school... I feel like no one will ever think I'm worth anything, or want to hire me... And even if they did, I feel like everyone would just abuse the crap out of me, just like every other job I've ever had.... I'm sick of being everyone's doormat, and now I"m afraid of it.... I'm worried my service dog isn't "service dog" enough, and she'll cause me to lose my job, even if I manage to get one... I need help training her, but don't have the money, or resources to do so..... I want to do so much in life, but I have no idea how to get from point A to point B... I don't know how to succeed anymore... I want to just wipe the slate clean and start over... Just try life again... But I know that isn't possible... I just have to find a way to succeed in life, but I don't know how to find that.....

I feel so utterly hopeless....