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I'm an asshole (Drama - Don't read)
12 years ago
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WARNING **** DRAMA AND PERSONAL FEELINGS **** MAKE YOURSELF A FAVOR AND DON'T READ AHEAD **** WARNING
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Comments done on this journal will be disregarded o deleted. You are warned.
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I rarely do journals, and the few I've done are related to important things in my life. Well this is something very important to me so this might be the best place to do so. Even though I might end up deleting it soon...
This has been a terrible week.... full of stupid bad decisions... and what's worst of all, its that not only I am feeling awful and in pain but I hurt someone important in my life.
I'm an idiot, I'm an ass, I'm a jerk.... I earned what I got, this feeling that is slowly eating me.. that has kept a pain in my chest, that up to now it prevents me from focusing in anything else but this.....
I'm not looking for forgiveness because I know too well that I don't deserve it, I think this is just a futile and hopeless attempt to get some of this pain out of my chest... maybe by writing my thoughts would make some of it go away...
I lost a friend this week... not just a friend, someone very special to me, someone that means a lot.. one of the few closest to me that my fingers in a simple hand would be more than enough to count... someone that brought me joy many many times, having that special bond that I looked for for quite some time now and finally found it.. or are least some of it... we spent hours enjoying nice times together.. I miss my friend...
Despite our good times, I sometimes said mean words to you, and each time that you got hurt, I felt pain. I never meant to hurt you.. I care for you a lot... I wanted to see you happy... I wanted to provide you with happiness, that made me happy... and every time I noticed I was starting to hurt you I tried to stop... I clenched my hands, I bit my arms or lips, anything to avoid your sadness.. but still... sometimes I did hurt you.. and I felt awful...
With time.. we had great moments... you let me have the best moments of my life... yet sometimes we hurt each other without knowing so... and I kept silent of my frustrations and pain trying not to hurt you with them, and so did you... until you exploded and told me... I tried to change... I really did... its is hard for me.... is my nature... that's what I do when I'm not watching myself, when I'm not restraining me.. I hurt people... and I hurt them bad... I'm so sorry for the times I made you cry.. I really am.. it kills me to see you suffer...
I know what we were, that was clear.. good friends... we were clear on that... and everything said was true and honest...
Time passed... up to this week... when again... I made some of the worst decisions in my life, all in a few hours... and I started to fear for your happiness ... I didn't want to hurt you yet again... but the stupid of me... the ass... the jerk... did it again... I hurt you bad... even worst than before... I felt like a lightning stroke me when you walked away.. I was in shock.. Here I was, doing it again...
I started thinking, getting several emotions at once... good, bad, worsts... I had a mix of feelings like never before... I blamed myself.. I infuriated myself... I thought... and thought....
You shouldn't have to put up with me.. you don't need someone hurting you... what kind of a friend am I... a bad one... you came to me to share something important, and what is the first thing I do... punch you in the face...you really could do better without me... So I kept thinking... I'll apologize... but what if I keep on doing this?...
I don't want to loose you... you are important to me.... but then again... I am going to loose you anyway.. no matter what... our time together is short... as much I want to stretch it... it is bound to happen... whether you go... or I go... it was never meant to last...
Then this brilliantly stupid idea came to my mind... the best way not to hurt you, is for you to not be around me... and then it happened... you talked to me... and I spilled this magnificent crap of idea.... and things started to go wrong... and the more you talked, the more bullshit I said... and it went downward fast... a part of me begged me to stop... it screamed me to stop... but I didn't stop...
I finally did it... this plan to save you from me hurting you... ended up hurting you the most of all... beyond the point of no return...
Why????? WHY??? WHY DID I DO SUCH A STUPID GODDAMN THING?!?!?!?!?! you begged me to stop, and yet I didn't... you told me I was blind... and yes I was.. you said I was a jerk.. and you couldn't be more correct...
You wanted a friend... you were happy... and you wanted more of that happy time at least for our remaining time... and I killed all that...I'm a monster..... I hate myself so much right now... I lost something beautiful... I'm hurt.. and you are so beyond limits..
I know I won't see you or hear from you again.. I completely earned that... I don't want your forgiveness because I don't deserve any of it.. I'm not excusing myself, I totally blew it...
All I want is to apologize for all the pain I caused you... I still hope that you find happiness and that you obtain all the things you are looking for (which I hope that I am wrong and he truly cares for you), because I still care a lot for you.. and I want you to be happy. That was it... the whole thing that night... is because I don't want him to break your heart... heck I don't want anyone to break your heart again (*sigh* as I did).
There.... I got it out.. it is out there.. even though you are not going to see this.. and even if you do.. is not like it will change anything but maybe hurt you again... (*sigh* I really am something ain't I??)... I hope at least it will help me heal some... I do miss you... a lot... keep thinking of you whenever I do certain things.. *sigh*... I gotta get over this somehow...
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To whoever decided to read all this and got this far, please don't comment... don't reach out to me... don't try to cheer me up.. not now... I won't reply.. I probably will remove any or all comments.
WARNING **** DRAMA AND PERSONAL FEELINGS **** MAKE YOURSELF A FAVOR AND DON'T READ AHEAD **** WARNING
**************************************************************************************************************
**************************************************************************************************************
Comments done on this journal will be disregarded o deleted. You are warned.
**************************************************************************************************************
I rarely do journals, and the few I've done are related to important things in my life. Well this is something very important to me so this might be the best place to do so. Even though I might end up deleting it soon...
This has been a terrible week.... full of stupid bad decisions... and what's worst of all, its that not only I am feeling awful and in pain but I hurt someone important in my life.
I'm an idiot, I'm an ass, I'm a jerk.... I earned what I got, this feeling that is slowly eating me.. that has kept a pain in my chest, that up to now it prevents me from focusing in anything else but this.....
I'm not looking for forgiveness because I know too well that I don't deserve it, I think this is just a futile and hopeless attempt to get some of this pain out of my chest... maybe by writing my thoughts would make some of it go away...
I lost a friend this week... not just a friend, someone very special to me, someone that means a lot.. one of the few closest to me that my fingers in a simple hand would be more than enough to count... someone that brought me joy many many times, having that special bond that I looked for for quite some time now and finally found it.. or are least some of it... we spent hours enjoying nice times together.. I miss my friend...
Despite our good times, I sometimes said mean words to you, and each time that you got hurt, I felt pain. I never meant to hurt you.. I care for you a lot... I wanted to see you happy... I wanted to provide you with happiness, that made me happy... and every time I noticed I was starting to hurt you I tried to stop... I clenched my hands, I bit my arms or lips, anything to avoid your sadness.. but still... sometimes I did hurt you.. and I felt awful...
With time.. we had great moments... you let me have the best moments of my life... yet sometimes we hurt each other without knowing so... and I kept silent of my frustrations and pain trying not to hurt you with them, and so did you... until you exploded and told me... I tried to change... I really did... its is hard for me.... is my nature... that's what I do when I'm not watching myself, when I'm not restraining me.. I hurt people... and I hurt them bad... I'm so sorry for the times I made you cry.. I really am.. it kills me to see you suffer...
I know what we were, that was clear.. good friends... we were clear on that... and everything said was true and honest...
Time passed... up to this week... when again... I made some of the worst decisions in my life, all in a few hours... and I started to fear for your happiness ... I didn't want to hurt you yet again... but the stupid of me... the ass... the jerk... did it again... I hurt you bad... even worst than before... I felt like a lightning stroke me when you walked away.. I was in shock.. Here I was, doing it again...
I started thinking, getting several emotions at once... good, bad, worsts... I had a mix of feelings like never before... I blamed myself.. I infuriated myself... I thought... and thought....
You shouldn't have to put up with me.. you don't need someone hurting you... what kind of a friend am I... a bad one... you came to me to share something important, and what is the first thing I do... punch you in the face...you really could do better without me... So I kept thinking... I'll apologize... but what if I keep on doing this?...
I don't want to loose you... you are important to me.... but then again... I am going to loose you anyway.. no matter what... our time together is short... as much I want to stretch it... it is bound to happen... whether you go... or I go... it was never meant to last...
Then this brilliantly stupid idea came to my mind... the best way not to hurt you, is for you to not be around me... and then it happened... you talked to me... and I spilled this magnificent crap of idea.... and things started to go wrong... and the more you talked, the more bullshit I said... and it went downward fast... a part of me begged me to stop... it screamed me to stop... but I didn't stop...
I finally did it... this plan to save you from me hurting you... ended up hurting you the most of all... beyond the point of no return...
Why????? WHY??? WHY DID I DO SUCH A STUPID GODDAMN THING?!?!?!?!?! you begged me to stop, and yet I didn't... you told me I was blind... and yes I was.. you said I was a jerk.. and you couldn't be more correct...
You wanted a friend... you were happy... and you wanted more of that happy time at least for our remaining time... and I killed all that...I'm a monster..... I hate myself so much right now... I lost something beautiful... I'm hurt.. and you are so beyond limits..
I know I won't see you or hear from you again.. I completely earned that... I don't want your forgiveness because I don't deserve any of it.. I'm not excusing myself, I totally blew it...
All I want is to apologize for all the pain I caused you... I still hope that you find happiness and that you obtain all the things you are looking for (which I hope that I am wrong and he truly cares for you), because I still care a lot for you.. and I want you to be happy. That was it... the whole thing that night... is because I don't want him to break your heart... heck I don't want anyone to break your heart again (*sigh* as I did).
There.... I got it out.. it is out there.. even though you are not going to see this.. and even if you do.. is not like it will change anything but maybe hurt you again... (*sigh* I really am something ain't I??)... I hope at least it will help me heal some... I do miss you... a lot... keep thinking of you whenever I do certain things.. *sigh*... I gotta get over this somehow...
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To whoever decided to read all this and got this far, please don't comment... don't reach out to me... don't try to cheer me up.. not now... I won't reply.. I probably will remove any or all comments.
Seems like you messed up. I'm not entirely sure of what happened here, but hopefully you learned from the experience and grew from it as well. Understanding a relationship is always tough. To tune into how others will react comes with experience. Hopefully your friend will read this and give you an opportunity to fix this, but if the worst happens, maybe you can at least use this to become a better person. As a matter of fact, either way should allow you to use this event as growth for your heart and soul.
The pain right now is temporary, even if it doesn't feel like it. You'll get over it, as time always allows us to do. Maybe space is the best thing for everyone. You feel remorseful, so at least it seems like you care. Right now, you did what you can, so all there is left is to wait.
Waiting is the hardest part, sometimes.
Allow the dust to settle and you and your friend to recover. Good luck, sir!