Part of why I don't write here much anymore is I'm really not sure how to communicate my feelings effectively. I often find I lack the proper words to describe the quality of my emotions or what, if anything, they mean or why I have them. All I know is they are at times unbearably unpleasant and I'll do just about anything to try and get away from them.

I can't stand to be at home of late. I flip through the channels and find nothing of interest. I look at my video games and feel no desire to play. I want to be anywhere but here. I go for drives just to pass the time because somehow it feels better just to be on the move. I don't know where I'm going, I just drive, usually east. I have taken to late night jaunts into the gorge when there's nobody else there to deal with and I can just be alone in the dark woods with my trance in the little personal bubble my car is. When I come back home the feelings come right back. I feel like I want to go somewhere but I can't think of anywhere to be.

I've taken to reflection on tarot cards since I bought a deck. It's sometimes helpful for thinking about aspects of my life. To be honest though I just don't know who I'm trying to talk to, what I'm trying to say, what I'm trying to accomplish, why nothing feels right to me anymore. I don't know what happened to me. I wish I knew how to identify my emotions enough to know what to do about them or something that someone else might recognize and be able to offer some sort of advice for. I just feel confused. I know I didn't always feel like this before, I don't know what it is much less what to do about it. I just want to ... wish I knew what.

I just don't understand. All I really can say is I'm having trouble dealing with it every day and I wonder how it came to be like this and when I'll ever feel different.

Is there anyone out there that understands any of this?