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a (not so) small rant
12 years ago
General
Dunno if I'll fully post everything I write here so if you read this, just remember.. this could be a revision of what my first rant was...
because I can be very selfconscious of myself.. and how I think I sound..
Lately I've not been too incredibly happy.. I mean I'm happy and in a good mood.. and I should be because I found someone awesome and been having a great time and lots of laughing.. yet then when I leave these small islands of safety.. and return home.. my depression sets back in and I don't know what to do with myself and become very lethargic.. Like I don't want to move or do anything..
I still get up and do things because I believe I have to actually do these things.. but it's like auto pilot..
I don't like where I'm at or where I work.. yeah I'm looking for a new job.. but that causes more worries to pile onto the already overwhelming amount.
I've been trying to get an appartment with a few fur friends of mine.. who were friends before I REALLY started to get into the furrdom.. and they've slowly become accepting of their own furriness. Yet, issues with previous relationship, and those who I have told know how bad that was... have come back to surface to haunt me.. I had to break a lease with my last apartment just to get away from the abuse. Well now I've been denied of being able to get this new apartment with my friends.. yeah there's a few things that can help us work around it because my record is CLEAN minus this one thing.. but still...
Then there's money issue.. I can get the apartment and have no worries.. but I have to be able to make payments on the amount I owe to the first place.. and prove I am. =/ and I'm already living paycheck to paycheck.. soo.. hey.. look for a better paying job right?! already am trying....
And what if I find a better job? hurray! most problems solved.. then I possibly wont be able to enjoy time with the person I did find.. or do the things I've been doing and my small islands of safety will go away.. and I'll be stuck in an even more funk..
=S Then come worries of my friends.. my friends irl who worry about me.. and my own worries of internet and irl friends.. they've not been having the best of time either... yet I will let them rant to me.. and let my irl friends rant to me.. and try to console them.. but whenever I feel like I can finaly tell someone my issues.. (my personality type is INFJ which causes me to not be able to just TELL someone.. I have to have like everything RIGHT before I can TRY)... they either interupt me.. or try to one up me.. or just are not awake.. and it's really hard to find one moment of peace..
Also have all the issues with my family.. mainly my mother. That's an entire rant in itself.. but long story short, we're usually arguing and she's usually fucking me over money wise.. or holding things above my head.. and I finally was able to tell her that i've been in a depression since I was 16.. a lot of it having to do with her, but now it's changed why... still there.. the original ones, but not as heavy.. and she's basically forced my religion back into the closet.. that or be thrown out onto the street... just because it wasn't her religion.. ontop of her sasing me back and being 100% childish.. yet I can't say crap about it..
Basically to sum everything up: Family is a pain (no really.. not being just typical 'oh my dumb family' it's really an issue), job is horrible and sucking up my life, can't afford new clothes most days, and basically cache 22'd myself into a happy/sad/pissed off spiral.
=) don't wish for anyone to say anything.. just really wanted to spurt out a rant for therapuedic (however ya spell that word) nature and it's always nice to just blurt everything into the internet....
because I can be very selfconscious of myself.. and how I think I sound..
Lately I've not been too incredibly happy.. I mean I'm happy and in a good mood.. and I should be because I found someone awesome and been having a great time and lots of laughing.. yet then when I leave these small islands of safety.. and return home.. my depression sets back in and I don't know what to do with myself and become very lethargic.. Like I don't want to move or do anything..
I still get up and do things because I believe I have to actually do these things.. but it's like auto pilot..
I don't like where I'm at or where I work.. yeah I'm looking for a new job.. but that causes more worries to pile onto the already overwhelming amount.
I've been trying to get an appartment with a few fur friends of mine.. who were friends before I REALLY started to get into the furrdom.. and they've slowly become accepting of their own furriness. Yet, issues with previous relationship, and those who I have told know how bad that was... have come back to surface to haunt me.. I had to break a lease with my last apartment just to get away from the abuse. Well now I've been denied of being able to get this new apartment with my friends.. yeah there's a few things that can help us work around it because my record is CLEAN minus this one thing.. but still...
Then there's money issue.. I can get the apartment and have no worries.. but I have to be able to make payments on the amount I owe to the first place.. and prove I am. =/ and I'm already living paycheck to paycheck.. soo.. hey.. look for a better paying job right?! already am trying....
And what if I find a better job? hurray! most problems solved.. then I possibly wont be able to enjoy time with the person I did find.. or do the things I've been doing and my small islands of safety will go away.. and I'll be stuck in an even more funk..
=S Then come worries of my friends.. my friends irl who worry about me.. and my own worries of internet and irl friends.. they've not been having the best of time either... yet I will let them rant to me.. and let my irl friends rant to me.. and try to console them.. but whenever I feel like I can finaly tell someone my issues.. (my personality type is INFJ which causes me to not be able to just TELL someone.. I have to have like everything RIGHT before I can TRY)... they either interupt me.. or try to one up me.. or just are not awake.. and it's really hard to find one moment of peace..
Also have all the issues with my family.. mainly my mother. That's an entire rant in itself.. but long story short, we're usually arguing and she's usually fucking me over money wise.. or holding things above my head.. and I finally was able to tell her that i've been in a depression since I was 16.. a lot of it having to do with her, but now it's changed why... still there.. the original ones, but not as heavy.. and she's basically forced my religion back into the closet.. that or be thrown out onto the street... just because it wasn't her religion.. ontop of her sasing me back and being 100% childish.. yet I can't say crap about it..
Basically to sum everything up: Family is a pain (no really.. not being just typical 'oh my dumb family' it's really an issue), job is horrible and sucking up my life, can't afford new clothes most days, and basically cache 22'd myself into a happy/sad/pissed off spiral.
=) don't wish for anyone to say anything.. just really wanted to spurt out a rant for therapuedic (however ya spell that word) nature and it's always nice to just blurt everything into the internet....
