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Insomnia the Musical
12 years ago
General
One more day in my life.
This journal brought to you by the letters W, T, and F. And is best read with background music from a carnival. :P
Insomnia. A word that has many meanings and interpretations, but which boils down to the simple phrase. “I cannot sleep”
I’ve had insomnia since I was 8. Or more accurately, I was 8 when I had my first run in with it. At the time I had a remarkably unsympathetic reaction to it when I told my parents. For my father, who had never had trouble sleeping in his life, he saw it as my offering an excuse to stay up late watching television. Which was actually kind of stupid as this was back before cable and back when the big stations still signed off at some point in the night and wouldn’t resume broadcast until morning. (Yeah, I’m dating myself a lot here.) My mom just didn’t get it. So I would literally be stuck in my bed for 8 hours, miserable, bored and unable to sleep. Because heaven help the kid wondering the house in the middle of the night.
As the years went on, I’ve come to terms with my insomnia in the sense that I know it’s going to happen and it happens on average of about two to three times a year. Sometimes less. On one hand I get a lot of work done. I mean don’t we all wish we had an extra 8 hours in the day? On the other hand some of the quality suffers, because I’m still TIRED. I just cannot sleep. The first day is usually fine. I feel awake and charged and energized. But as you enter the 36 hour mark, the fatigue begins. By 48 I’m beat but still cannot sleep. If I’m lucky I get so tired I can take an hour nap. By 50+ hours I’m reaching that stage that is fun to be around.
It’s kind of like being drunk without drinking. That’s when the uber weird really starts to come out to play. It’s times like these I look at all the newspapers needing recycling and go… hmmmm. It is moments like these that led the construction of the paper mache dragon that donned the front yard of my parents house for a few days. Made entirely out of recycled tax forms, and breathing shredded tax documents at an entire miniature army of stick figures holding plastic forks as weapons. And on the dragon was painted the words the “Tax Beast”. Of course this was early April. I remember my mom came home from work took one look at the thing in her yard and walked in and saw me cooking and just asked, “Still can’t sleep?”
Sleeping pills are kind of a sensitive issue with me because of an event in my past. But I take them sparingly. And sometimes they work. Sometimes they do not make a dent. And I usually don’t realize I’m imsoniatic until it’s really too late to take them. Right now, I’m not taking because this is what I call a “noisy” case.
The best way to explain this, is to imagine you listening to the radio. You have one radio and one station and you understand it just fine. It’s clear. This is a average person. My brain is more like 12 radios, on 12 different stations, each equally clear and amazingly enough I am listening and understanding ALL of them at once. Right now my brain is racing with concepts, jokes, movie ideas, comics ideas, movies I’ve seen, games I want to play, and all while listening to Poinkcast… So yeah, that last bit probably isn’t helping. I actually could lay in bed and close my eyes and my brain is so active that I would instantly start doing various things in my head.
To best appreciate what this means… I am sitting here typing on the computer for this little journal while trying to figure out which animals need to be featured in my book I am working on, trying to determine which color of backing I need to finish the four quilts I have sitting downstairs, trying to remember if I ever got Alex’s email from MFM, because I finished his quilt, trying to imagine what yogurt flavored chicken nuggets would taste like, wondering what it would be like if Morgan Freeman fursuited, trying to figure out how to make a smurf ride a dinosaur, trying to work out a construction design for two different puppets for use later on this year, and trying to design a label for my own brand of homemade spices with a Big Bad Wolf theme… (You can thank Jase for that one.)
And this is while I’m AWAKE!
I have to find distractions at times like these. If I find something that uses my mind more, it slows down and I feel more like I’m just driving fast on a highway rather than suddenly finding myself thrust into a NASCAR race where all the cars are made of fruit! And right now I’m also dealing with the big six letter word…
STRESS
Work stress, life stress, and a sort of fear of what my future may hold. Because lo and behold I’ve hit a point in my life where I’ve lost something I’ve had my whole life… direction.
So things could be better. But then again they could be massively worse. It boils down to just can’t sleep for now and not sure what to do with myself.
Insomnia. A word that has many meanings and interpretations, but which boils down to the simple phrase. “I cannot sleep”
I’ve had insomnia since I was 8. Or more accurately, I was 8 when I had my first run in with it. At the time I had a remarkably unsympathetic reaction to it when I told my parents. For my father, who had never had trouble sleeping in his life, he saw it as my offering an excuse to stay up late watching television. Which was actually kind of stupid as this was back before cable and back when the big stations still signed off at some point in the night and wouldn’t resume broadcast until morning. (Yeah, I’m dating myself a lot here.) My mom just didn’t get it. So I would literally be stuck in my bed for 8 hours, miserable, bored and unable to sleep. Because heaven help the kid wondering the house in the middle of the night.
As the years went on, I’ve come to terms with my insomnia in the sense that I know it’s going to happen and it happens on average of about two to three times a year. Sometimes less. On one hand I get a lot of work done. I mean don’t we all wish we had an extra 8 hours in the day? On the other hand some of the quality suffers, because I’m still TIRED. I just cannot sleep. The first day is usually fine. I feel awake and charged and energized. But as you enter the 36 hour mark, the fatigue begins. By 48 I’m beat but still cannot sleep. If I’m lucky I get so tired I can take an hour nap. By 50+ hours I’m reaching that stage that is fun to be around.
It’s kind of like being drunk without drinking. That’s when the uber weird really starts to come out to play. It’s times like these I look at all the newspapers needing recycling and go… hmmmm. It is moments like these that led the construction of the paper mache dragon that donned the front yard of my parents house for a few days. Made entirely out of recycled tax forms, and breathing shredded tax documents at an entire miniature army of stick figures holding plastic forks as weapons. And on the dragon was painted the words the “Tax Beast”. Of course this was early April. I remember my mom came home from work took one look at the thing in her yard and walked in and saw me cooking and just asked, “Still can’t sleep?”
Sleeping pills are kind of a sensitive issue with me because of an event in my past. But I take them sparingly. And sometimes they work. Sometimes they do not make a dent. And I usually don’t realize I’m imsoniatic until it’s really too late to take them. Right now, I’m not taking because this is what I call a “noisy” case.
The best way to explain this, is to imagine you listening to the radio. You have one radio and one station and you understand it just fine. It’s clear. This is a average person. My brain is more like 12 radios, on 12 different stations, each equally clear and amazingly enough I am listening and understanding ALL of them at once. Right now my brain is racing with concepts, jokes, movie ideas, comics ideas, movies I’ve seen, games I want to play, and all while listening to Poinkcast… So yeah, that last bit probably isn’t helping. I actually could lay in bed and close my eyes and my brain is so active that I would instantly start doing various things in my head.
To best appreciate what this means… I am sitting here typing on the computer for this little journal while trying to figure out which animals need to be featured in my book I am working on, trying to determine which color of backing I need to finish the four quilts I have sitting downstairs, trying to remember if I ever got Alex’s email from MFM, because I finished his quilt, trying to imagine what yogurt flavored chicken nuggets would taste like, wondering what it would be like if Morgan Freeman fursuited, trying to figure out how to make a smurf ride a dinosaur, trying to work out a construction design for two different puppets for use later on this year, and trying to design a label for my own brand of homemade spices with a Big Bad Wolf theme… (You can thank Jase for that one.)
And this is while I’m AWAKE!
I have to find distractions at times like these. If I find something that uses my mind more, it slows down and I feel more like I’m just driving fast on a highway rather than suddenly finding myself thrust into a NASCAR race where all the cars are made of fruit! And right now I’m also dealing with the big six letter word…
STRESS
Work stress, life stress, and a sort of fear of what my future may hold. Because lo and behold I’ve hit a point in my life where I’ve lost something I’ve had my whole life… direction.
So things could be better. But then again they could be massively worse. It boils down to just can’t sleep for now and not sure what to do with myself.
My parents never understood why I had trouble sleeping. But, since my bedroom was a loft when I was younger, and my mom left lights on through the house because she was afraid of the dark, I could usually crawl out toward the stairs until I had enough light and was just out of sight, and lay there with a book for hours on end... Or, if they were watching tv, if I was careful I could just watch it effectively over their shoulders. Still though, they caught me a few times, and laying there with literally nothing to do all night was pretty awful. It got easier when I was a bit older and was given my own tv, at least, but that was quite a few years later.
In my late teens, my dad was apparently extremely bothered by my sleep habits, or lack thereof... I was awake late at night when he got home from work and went to bed, and awake when he got up in the morning. He literally never caught me sleeping. What was actually happening, is I was catching little 10-15 minute naps throughout the day, and going weeks getting about two hours of sleep per day, total. Didn't bother me at all, but I think he had some idea in his head that I must have been on drugs or something because I 'never' slept. I wasn't, of course, but I can see why he'd think something like that.
I think Tech and I both experience the same issue you are, if on different levels. He runs about a dozen tracks at any given point, I usually vary 6-10. I've learned to shove things on the backburner when need be, but that only means they're taking up less attention, not that they're suddenly gone. The projects I have in progress right now are mostly on hold until I have more free time, but they're cluttering up my head anyway, and I don't usually have my hands free for long enough to actually do anything about them.
I wish I could've seen the Tax Beast. I'd probably have loved seeing it even more if I had access to a flamethrower. It'd be therapeutic, probably :D
Um... yeah, I think I've already types a long enough reply here... I guess I'm just a bit starved for conversation first thing in the morning like this :D
But tonight I go see ballet in drag.
This show had a host of female roles hamming it up and acting silly and one male role played by a guy with an OBVIOUS blond wig who kept acting vapid and lost. (All the female roles had non-blond hair colors. I had to point out to some people that this may have been a deliberate blond joke with gender reversal.)
The second part takes that even further in some rather comedic ways. This show I nearly busted a gut when the performers were doing reasonable Pliés, only to stop and in unison started doing the Gangdam style dance.
The third part is actually my favorite. This is the part where the comedy takes a back seat. The men in their tutus and heavy makeup step out and remind you that they are one and all Professional Ballet dancers. Not just silly performers. They execute turns, pivots and maneuvers that many dancers spend years perfecting. And these guys not only do the male dance moves wonderfully, they do the female dance moves just as amazingly. The third act is a reminder that they are very skilled people. And I love it for that.
Not that they don't do silly, mind you. They just cut it back. When the troupe stood before the audience for the applause, they got a standing ovation. And rightfully so. So in response they all suddenly broke out in Riverdance. I'm NOT Kidding! They were already in a line to take their bows, and then music was cute a fog machine pumped a fog bank onto the stage that San Francisco would have been proud of. and then they started Riverdancing.
It was a great show.
I think my insomnia is letting up. I got a whole six hour stretch of sleep last night...
I actually had the reverse a week ago where I was needing ten a day for a while. My sleep has always been irregular and sporadic.
I guess I am lucky I can calm my mind down and sleep just about anytime. Course nature of my work if you can't fall asleep quick and don't get any sleep you put lives in danger. It drives Koyia crazy. Oh I still have my moments of telling my mind "will you just shut up?"
I guess it also helps I don't let my mind multitask outside of work where I have to multitask. Listen to 3 different radios and understand them all. Pay attention to my surroundings, Watch the radar and chart plotter all while steering and manuvering a boat in sometimes tight situations. I guess I just don't want my mind to do that all the time.
It is funny, I can listen to 3 radios, but can't listen to two different conversations at the same time and pay full attention to both (in person). It gets really annoying, but oh well.
Oh how I wish I could have seen the Tax Beast, LMAO!!!