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Personal rant ADVICE PLS
12 years ago
MOVED TO 
LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH
LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH MOVED TO LORAH I need to do some ranting, and perhaps ask for some advice.
My boyfriend of almost three years has spent pretty much the entire last year destroying my trust in him.
He cheated. Then I found out he was smoking behind my back.(this is a deal breaker for me. I hate smoking with a passion, my parents have smoked my whole life and its something I plan to get away from when I move out, I do not want it in my life.)
So I told him he had to quit if he wanted to stay with me. And he told me he did, and then moved in with me. Since then I have, on an almost regular basis, caught him doing it behind my back. And then lying about it. And trying to cover his ass and hide it.
FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.
I have zero trust in him. And sometimes I sneak through his phone, partially because I’m insecure, but mostly because I don’t trust him.
And recently I caught him telling some chick friends some inappropriate things.
He told one he’s really horny all the time because I never want to have sex with him anymore (not true, he works nights, I work days, its hard to find time when we’re both here and one isn’t sleeping). He also told her because of this he thinks I’m cheating on him. And I know whom that was directed at and have since busted that down. But just the whole horny thing, I was pissed. I put out more than he fucking does.
And now he’s telling another one that he was high the other night. He’s not allowed to smoke pot, he could lose his job. And he’s also looking for a new job and this could jeopardize his chances. Plus I’m 99% certain he wasn’t high, as I was with him that whole night. So I’m like why did he tell her that?
I feel like the smoking thing is part of this cool guy persona he secret wants to have, but continues to refuse to admit to. And perhaps the pot thing was too.
THE PROBLEM WITH CONFRONTING HIM
This isn’t the first time I’ve snooped, and I know in a lot of ways its wrong. And at the same time when you have zero trust in someone what do you do?
If I were to find nothing then it would re-instill my faith in him. But I’m finding dirt, and I want so badly to confront him and yet I’m afraid of his reaction to my snooping as he’s taken badly to it in the past. I meant threaten to leave bad.
I know its an invasion of his privacy and I admit that its wrong of me. But when he gives me reason to, its hard not to.
WHAT DO I DO.
EDIT:
Not looking for people to tell me he’s awful and leave him.
This goes way deeper than I could explain here and I have my own good reasons for not wanting to end the relationship.
I’m looking for advice about mending things.
My boyfriend of almost three years has spent pretty much the entire last year destroying my trust in him.
He cheated. Then I found out he was smoking behind my back.(this is a deal breaker for me. I hate smoking with a passion, my parents have smoked my whole life and its something I plan to get away from when I move out, I do not want it in my life.)
So I told him he had to quit if he wanted to stay with me. And he told me he did, and then moved in with me. Since then I have, on an almost regular basis, caught him doing it behind my back. And then lying about it. And trying to cover his ass and hide it.
FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.
I have zero trust in him. And sometimes I sneak through his phone, partially because I’m insecure, but mostly because I don’t trust him.
And recently I caught him telling some chick friends some inappropriate things.
He told one he’s really horny all the time because I never want to have sex with him anymore (not true, he works nights, I work days, its hard to find time when we’re both here and one isn’t sleeping). He also told her because of this he thinks I’m cheating on him. And I know whom that was directed at and have since busted that down. But just the whole horny thing, I was pissed. I put out more than he fucking does.
And now he’s telling another one that he was high the other night. He’s not allowed to smoke pot, he could lose his job. And he’s also looking for a new job and this could jeopardize his chances. Plus I’m 99% certain he wasn’t high, as I was with him that whole night. So I’m like why did he tell her that?
I feel like the smoking thing is part of this cool guy persona he secret wants to have, but continues to refuse to admit to. And perhaps the pot thing was too.
THE PROBLEM WITH CONFRONTING HIM
This isn’t the first time I’ve snooped, and I know in a lot of ways its wrong. And at the same time when you have zero trust in someone what do you do?
If I were to find nothing then it would re-instill my faith in him. But I’m finding dirt, and I want so badly to confront him and yet I’m afraid of his reaction to my snooping as he’s taken badly to it in the past. I meant threaten to leave bad.
I know its an invasion of his privacy and I admit that its wrong of me. But when he gives me reason to, its hard not to.
WHAT DO I DO.
EDIT:
Not looking for people to tell me he’s awful and leave him.
This goes way deeper than I could explain here and I have my own good reasons for not wanting to end the relationship.
I’m looking for advice about mending things.
If you can't trust him and he has cheated kick him to the curb and start over.
I don't want to get into why I'm not looking to end the relationship right now.
But its out of the question
My last partners did too (abusive poly relationship). I've learned I just won't take crap anymore.. no man is worth being lied too or not trusting.
If there isn't a mutual trust, respect and communication a relationship won't succeed.
You both have to be able to communicate without fighting, yelling, blaming or accusing.
the thing with the lying to me about smoking is about more than just lies.
he was ashamed because he knew he was disappointing me and so he hid it because he's addicted and having a hard time stopping.
I know its no excuse. But its not something i'm willing to end things over.
https://www.quitnow.net/texas/
If he really wants too there are resources.
It sounds like there's a lot more issues than just his smoking, maybe look into couples counseling.
i can't afford couples counseling :<
the irony is i want to be a relationship therapist someday XD
Okay if you haven't figured it out that was sarcasm, (just trying to be comedic and bring some light to the situation). Now you see if this is so hard for you and he wont fallow your wishes all because of his own selfishness you shouldn't put yourself through that torture. I know someone my fur sister is going through a similar situation; she caught her husband sexting with males with men. Now personally i don't care about sexting and nether does my girl friend. However she told her husband not to do it cause it makes her feel insecure, so what does he do go into the bathroom with his laptop and jerk off to porn and sext with his now fuck buddy. My advice alone was you don't need this and I would rather see you with someone who you can relate with, someone who makes you happy. Every relationship needs trust, or it is bound to fail. So this being said you should do what your heart tells you, and fallow it to your happiness. Don't be held down to this guy who cheats and makes you feel insecure.
What you need in life is a real man. What does that mean many ask; my rendition of this means someone who makes his woman happy without having to change himself (except negative attributes he changes willing to make you happy). A man is someone who has fear to tell his wife he did wrong; someone who can tell you he loves you in public and knowing that he is being sensier.This is the man you need someone who can make you happy; someone who you can smile and say that is my man.
I’m just trying to help him overcome this, because its really the biggest problem in our relationship, and has been since this started. He makes me extremely happy. He makes me feel loved and beautiful and wonderful. And he treats me good. We both have issues we need to work on, being young and having spent 2 of our 3 years together doing long distance. I don’t feel like its beyond saving.
If you love him, you love him. Smoking is one of those things people need love and support, not just being told, quit or im gone... You can't just do that to someone and expect it to make them BETTER.
As for telling friends they are really horny cause they 'never' get sex, I'm not sure how true that is, nor how much is put out, but its how he feels, and just because he said it to a female doesn't mean he's going to cheat.
Confronting him is probably the thing to do, but not in the Rambo, jump in all guns blazing sense, just talk to him, try to understand him, and then try to discuss it. Try to show him you are worried because you love him, not because you are trying to be controlling.
It seems like you are pushing too much for what you want, and you haven't fully discussed what the relationship needs.
the entire problem with me being supporting and loving rather than angry and yelling, is that through this he has never given me a chance to be. because he was never honest with me about it. he always snuck behind my back and lied to my face. I told him over and over that I just wanted to try to help him and he kept lying and hiding.
it just got to the point that i was too bitter about it to care because of all the deception.
Really, you /know/ he's doing things he promised not to, things you hate. Repeatedly. So you have to choose -- whether you confront him on that and break up, or just accept it and deal with it. There's no way you'd get him behave otherwise. You can break up, or tell him to just make sure you don't see it happen and stop snooping, or you can accept it completely...