conversation between me an someone else relationg to my last journal >>> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4557223/

Him- Uhmm...

wow sorry i hadnt even read that

you shoulda gone for it so you didnt feel so lonely

ME- idk, i might... but its kinda akwerd.

mabye when my parents arnt in the room, its one think to walk in on them by accidaet, its anouther to fuck infront of them :/

HIM- it'd be in the past as soon as it was over and you could just leave

if I had sex for pleasure I'd probably think about it

Me- yea.... no. it woulds cause drama. and thats the last thing i need right now.

their other other guys that are local id rather try with. and sex isent the same thing as comfert.

i want cuddles not sex.

if all i wanted was sex id have gotten it by now.

HIM- You've had it though- a lot of it. its sapose to be special

ME- i want it to be, but...

fucking my stepfathers toys boyfriend deffinalty isent special.

the only way to make it spaecial again is to wait.

HIM- even then, you have so much experience already some things are impossible to become innocent to ever again

ME- thanx for making me feel like shit.

HIM- Those are facts, not opinions. You want something you really won't ever again have again. Innocence and the magic of the first touch by someone you love. Thing is, you've been corrupted to the point of no return and when you're out there searching for cuddles it really doesn't even feel special anymore.
:/ I'm really sorry but I don't know what to say to make you feel better if I know it's really not going to happen.

ME- and thanx for rubbing it in even more!

HIM- In that case- if you know all of this why don't you just stop looking?

ME- because not everyone was a god damn goody two shoes who got to have that special moment like you!

While my father was blowing money one fucking dope and hotel rooms for dumb bitches he'd rather fuck then taking care of his own children somone had pay for everything else!

I DID WHAT I HAD TO! i gave my father half of what i made every week and he never once even asked ware it came from!
im glad you got to have the special first time with once grate love, but i was in a house of 6 and only one was working. and he blew his fucking money on chicks and drugs and promised my sisters a car, and promised to pay for trips with their honner society. how the fuck our we gonna pay 200 dollars in grosheries 100 in gas and 300 for a trip if hes blowing 400 on drugs an a hotel every week!?

i was 13, and my sister was crying because she wouldnt get to go and it would interfer with her abillity to do other more important things latter, and my granmother was worried she was going tpo have to ask the church for money.

so i whent i got my sister her damn trip money, and i gave father what he needed for gas.


FUCK YOU AND YOUR PERFECT FUCKING LIFE.


i still look becase i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life and i honestly beleve that theirs someone out their who will look past it, and acctually car about who i am not what ive done.