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Shattered Illusions (Warning: Depression Imminent)
12 years ago
If you would, please indulge me in a selfish and one-sided piece.
All this time, I've been so caught up in an illusion that everything would be great all the time. Until then, all the troubles seemed minor and only hard work and smiles would help; that even during a lot of trying times all that's ever needed is to shrug them all off and keep on moving forward. Of course, for most times they worked along with frequent rest and weekends with friends.
But of course, nothing could prepare me for this. When my source of grief would come from my source of inspiration. And that made it all the more unbearable; drove the hammer right into a presumably harmless crack in the glass.
When you think enthusiasm can mask life's hardships, having it backfire in a most unusual way just makes it even more painful to accept. Makes you think what the point was in even thinking such an absurd idea. And seeing reality for what it really is becomes too hard to accept. That these feelings I've been harboring were more than occasional ugly tendencies.
Of course, the natural way to handle this would be to keep on moving forward and accept that I have to deal with such burdens. Even I'm capable of such a rational thought. But it still doesn't help ease this heavy feeling in my heart. And human as we are still, emotions will keep dwelling within. Picking up the broken fragments will take time, and even when pieced together, it might not end up looking the same. The canvas that is my world will never be what I saw all this time.
I suppose at some point I could slowly learn to deal with it. Learn from what happened and make it my own reality. But I think I'll always look back to the world I once had. One of the many I've had to reform to fit my life as it is now. Would it be so bad to yearn for the past, even while moving towards the future?
It sure has been a while since I dug through my old writing habit, and I'm glad I don't anymore. Not when it's about being so weak-willed. At this point I think I'll just stay off the radar for a bit. Here's hoping I could still be bright and enthusiastic soon. Sigh
All this time, I've been so caught up in an illusion that everything would be great all the time. Until then, all the troubles seemed minor and only hard work and smiles would help; that even during a lot of trying times all that's ever needed is to shrug them all off and keep on moving forward. Of course, for most times they worked along with frequent rest and weekends with friends.
But of course, nothing could prepare me for this. When my source of grief would come from my source of inspiration. And that made it all the more unbearable; drove the hammer right into a presumably harmless crack in the glass.
When you think enthusiasm can mask life's hardships, having it backfire in a most unusual way just makes it even more painful to accept. Makes you think what the point was in even thinking such an absurd idea. And seeing reality for what it really is becomes too hard to accept. That these feelings I've been harboring were more than occasional ugly tendencies.
Of course, the natural way to handle this would be to keep on moving forward and accept that I have to deal with such burdens. Even I'm capable of such a rational thought. But it still doesn't help ease this heavy feeling in my heart. And human as we are still, emotions will keep dwelling within. Picking up the broken fragments will take time, and even when pieced together, it might not end up looking the same. The canvas that is my world will never be what I saw all this time.
I suppose at some point I could slowly learn to deal with it. Learn from what happened and make it my own reality. But I think I'll always look back to the world I once had. One of the many I've had to reform to fit my life as it is now. Would it be so bad to yearn for the past, even while moving towards the future?
It sure has been a while since I dug through my old writing habit, and I'm glad I don't anymore. Not when it's about being so weak-willed. At this point I think I'll just stay off the radar for a bit. Here's hoping I could still be bright and enthusiastic soon. Sigh
The only thing that is constant is change. No matter how much we yearn for the past, it just doesn't happen. I know that feeling, and still kinda look back as well.
I hope you'll feel better soon izzeh. :<