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Okay, so it's like this.
12 years ago
General
I've been hearing people talk about me lately, so I'll say my peace on this.
For the past several weeks, I'd been sitting in on CaptainGerBear's livestreams, as he's been working on art and new games and such. He recently had expressed interest in using one of my creations in one of his future works, so I decided to stick around and maintain a positive contact.
And, well, apparently, all my autistic quirks started really getting on the nerves of several people, including CGB. I'd try to resolve them amicably, but apparently I don't have the most graceful social skills under pressure, and that affects the quality of my real-time judgment.
Yesterday, one user from a developing country mentioned his $8 is a large part of his weekly income. Then I recalled a memory, where CGB said that most everyone should be able to afford his game, and if even $8 is too steep for third world gamers, they should probably just pirate it. So I raised this point. CGB emphatically refuted that he had ever said that. ...I was immediately super-mortified. I withdrew my suggestion and recommended against it. And for the rest of my time in the stream, I found myself having a mental feedback loop, trying to figure out where that memory came from. The memory was so vivid on its own, but I realized I couldn't recall its context - I couldn't be sure if it came from reality or a dream, except that it continued to feel like a real episode. I wondered if I was losing my mind. When it became clear that I was losing my ability to function socially in the chat, I excused myself and left.
Then, I had a long talk with one of my friends, trying to sort this out. A great deal of counsel and advice. He told me I tended to be spineless in how I always immediately apologized if someone lashed out at me. And he's right - I hate to be in trouble, or be a source of trouble, and try very hard to be easier to coexist with. I have a very strong personal code of honor and integrity, and I strive to be forgiving and nonjudgmental. But having no guile, this can also easily make me into something of a doormat. But that's just the point - all people are imperfect and can have flaws, even with the best of intentions.
Anyway, returned to the stream chat today. Said hi...no one responded. But everyone was talking about me, and about my shameful moment yesterday where I suggested the sharing of one of CGB's commercial games - in CGB's active presence, no less. One person thought I was pretending it was okay. Another person didn't think I was pretending. CGB chipped in, and said he didn't think I was making any trouble on purpose, but that someone had privately contacted him and said they wouldn't be attending the stream anymore as long as I was there. CGB decided I was hindering his creativity, and he had banned me from the stream after I left. ...apparently that didn't prevent me from walking in and hearing them all talk about it. And realizing I had been banned from the stream, it suddenly made sense why no one was responding to my comments.
All in all, it sucks. Contextually, I'd have to agree - what happened made me hard to deal with. And yet I really wish I could have done even better than I did. And I wish I knew I could trust my memories too. In my friend's counsel, he said that people are not perfect, and they make mistakes, and sometimes even memories turn out to be wrong. Hell, even my dad told me that. But I'm tired of making so many mistakes all the time. I'd like my efforts to pan out more often than they do.
I still have a lot of respect for CGB. I really hoped I was adapting better to the stream chat, but I wasn't doing good enough, and his patience ran out. It is his stream, I was a guest, and it is his prerogative. It's embarrassing, but sometimes it happens. Sorry it couldn't work out better.
For the past several weeks, I'd been sitting in on CaptainGerBear's livestreams, as he's been working on art and new games and such. He recently had expressed interest in using one of my creations in one of his future works, so I decided to stick around and maintain a positive contact.
And, well, apparently, all my autistic quirks started really getting on the nerves of several people, including CGB. I'd try to resolve them amicably, but apparently I don't have the most graceful social skills under pressure, and that affects the quality of my real-time judgment.
Yesterday, one user from a developing country mentioned his $8 is a large part of his weekly income. Then I recalled a memory, where CGB said that most everyone should be able to afford his game, and if even $8 is too steep for third world gamers, they should probably just pirate it. So I raised this point. CGB emphatically refuted that he had ever said that. ...I was immediately super-mortified. I withdrew my suggestion and recommended against it. And for the rest of my time in the stream, I found myself having a mental feedback loop, trying to figure out where that memory came from. The memory was so vivid on its own, but I realized I couldn't recall its context - I couldn't be sure if it came from reality or a dream, except that it continued to feel like a real episode. I wondered if I was losing my mind. When it became clear that I was losing my ability to function socially in the chat, I excused myself and left.
Then, I had a long talk with one of my friends, trying to sort this out. A great deal of counsel and advice. He told me I tended to be spineless in how I always immediately apologized if someone lashed out at me. And he's right - I hate to be in trouble, or be a source of trouble, and try very hard to be easier to coexist with. I have a very strong personal code of honor and integrity, and I strive to be forgiving and nonjudgmental. But having no guile, this can also easily make me into something of a doormat. But that's just the point - all people are imperfect and can have flaws, even with the best of intentions.
Anyway, returned to the stream chat today. Said hi...no one responded. But everyone was talking about me, and about my shameful moment yesterday where I suggested the sharing of one of CGB's commercial games - in CGB's active presence, no less. One person thought I was pretending it was okay. Another person didn't think I was pretending. CGB chipped in, and said he didn't think I was making any trouble on purpose, but that someone had privately contacted him and said they wouldn't be attending the stream anymore as long as I was there. CGB decided I was hindering his creativity, and he had banned me from the stream after I left. ...apparently that didn't prevent me from walking in and hearing them all talk about it. And realizing I had been banned from the stream, it suddenly made sense why no one was responding to my comments.
All in all, it sucks. Contextually, I'd have to agree - what happened made me hard to deal with. And yet I really wish I could have done even better than I did. And I wish I knew I could trust my memories too. In my friend's counsel, he said that people are not perfect, and they make mistakes, and sometimes even memories turn out to be wrong. Hell, even my dad told me that. But I'm tired of making so many mistakes all the time. I'd like my efforts to pan out more often than they do.
I still have a lot of respect for CGB. I really hoped I was adapting better to the stream chat, but I wasn't doing good enough, and his patience ran out. It is his stream, I was a guest, and it is his prerogative. It's embarrassing, but sometimes it happens. Sorry it couldn't work out better.
