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I'm lost, and I honestly don't know what to think.
12 years ago
General
That's the problem.
Yes, I do like CaptainGerBear, as a creator. I have for years.
No, I wasn't trying to be a close friend. I was trying to be supportive and kind. I believe in that sort of thing. I recall he generally doesn't care about the dramas of random fans, and I tried to proceed on this assumption. That he made a mental note of my autism upon learning about it, was itself a surprise at first.
Yes, sometimes he gets on my nerves. I get on his. This doesn't necessarily mean something to me - I expect it because I'm autistic, as I tend to get on a lot of people's nerves, and they on mine. It tends to be part of the package, so I expect at least some of it. I can still like people in spite of it.
No, I wasn't trying to offend or anger him. Most of the time when he gets angry, I didn't see it coming. Sometimes I don't know why he gets mad, and it just plain looks like meanness, unless someone can explain it to me. I very much don't want to jump to fast conclusions, but neither do I necessarily know how to jump to slow ones, especially when I'm trying to figure it out by myself.
Yes, I did decompile ChubPan, years ago, for fair use and for technological curiosity.
No, I didn't think anything of doing so. Maybe I should have, I don't know. But for me it was as easy as view-source. Flash is an insecure media format that has never been difficult for tech geeks to examine, and we routinely examine readily available data.
Yes, as it turns out, CGB and I do fundamentally philosophically disagree on matters of fair use and reverse engineering. I have since tried to ask him more directly about such things, and he asked me to pledge not to try to reverse engineer his newest game project. I agreed to it as a personal request. That, and I currently know nothing about Unity formats.
No, I didn't even know he temp-banned me for decompiling ChubPan back when he asked if I had done so. The next day might have been one of those days I decided to spend a day away from the stream, which might have been likely if I felt the previous day didn't go so well.
Yes, I did suggest filesharing CGB's game for people in developing countries with very low incomes. I said this in CGB's presence, because:
Yes, I also really thought that CGB previously openly suggested it as an option in that case. I recalled a rather vivid memory about it. I would have never brought it up again at all if I thought it offensive or insulting.
No, I didn't foresee him denying it or angering over it. I was horribly embarrassed, and recommended against the suggestion immediately. I felt horrible and wanted to get past it. I also found myself doubting whether my own memories actually occurred, which in itself was especially hard. I found myself seriously wondering if I was losing my mind. I still can't say for certain where that memory comes from, except that it still feels real and memory-like.
No, I didn't foresee being banned from the stream or being blocked on FA.
No, I don't always necessarily figure out what will or will not offend or anger a person, and CGB in particular was never very easy to predict. I have to try to figure these things out in real-time without adequate social instincts to do so, and it is very, very hard when the stakes are high or I'm already under pressure.
Yes, I sought advice from friends over this. I didn't foresee these things happening, and I wanted some clarity and insight. I was told I was spineless and unassertive. I was told that CGB isn't a nice person to begin with. I was told that CGB is a prima donna. And someone even suggested that I'll get a lot of bad advice, casting all the previous advice into doubt. DrakeDragon also said some things that sound perfectly logical, perhaps more than anyone else - CGB's situation is nowhere near simple, and he's the way he is for some very good reasons. But to be perfectly honest, I don't know what to think, at all. And certainly not without help. And while I struggle for answers and foresight, I'm also trying not to leap to judgments if I can help it. But I'd like to have a grasp on something solid.
Yes, I had a panic attack over what's happened. I keep getting waves of physical pain, and I'm sick to the very pit of my stomach.
Yes, I do care if I have done something wrong, or if I have made someone mad. I don't want to do wrong, and I don't want to make people mad.
No, I don't know what do about it all, and I don't know what's coming. I try very, very hard to understand the best I can, and I hope for understanding in kind. But right now, I'm lost, and I don't know what to think or what to do.
And yes...I do figure CGB and I have very, very different personalities like oil and water, which may have made it unwise to attempt to spend so much time in the same place. Sometimes hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is too often blind as a bat.
Call me an idiot, call me a moron, call me clueless, call me thick-headed. All I know for certain is that something bad happened, and I don't know how to make it better, nor do I know for certain what to think about any of it. I don't know what I'm doing, or what to do. I want to know how to make things right, the right way. I want to do something right, for once.
Yes, I do like CaptainGerBear, as a creator. I have for years.
No, I wasn't trying to be a close friend. I was trying to be supportive and kind. I believe in that sort of thing. I recall he generally doesn't care about the dramas of random fans, and I tried to proceed on this assumption. That he made a mental note of my autism upon learning about it, was itself a surprise at first.
Yes, sometimes he gets on my nerves. I get on his. This doesn't necessarily mean something to me - I expect it because I'm autistic, as I tend to get on a lot of people's nerves, and they on mine. It tends to be part of the package, so I expect at least some of it. I can still like people in spite of it.
No, I wasn't trying to offend or anger him. Most of the time when he gets angry, I didn't see it coming. Sometimes I don't know why he gets mad, and it just plain looks like meanness, unless someone can explain it to me. I very much don't want to jump to fast conclusions, but neither do I necessarily know how to jump to slow ones, especially when I'm trying to figure it out by myself.
Yes, I did decompile ChubPan, years ago, for fair use and for technological curiosity.
No, I didn't think anything of doing so. Maybe I should have, I don't know. But for me it was as easy as view-source. Flash is an insecure media format that has never been difficult for tech geeks to examine, and we routinely examine readily available data.
Yes, as it turns out, CGB and I do fundamentally philosophically disagree on matters of fair use and reverse engineering. I have since tried to ask him more directly about such things, and he asked me to pledge not to try to reverse engineer his newest game project. I agreed to it as a personal request. That, and I currently know nothing about Unity formats.
No, I didn't even know he temp-banned me for decompiling ChubPan back when he asked if I had done so. The next day might have been one of those days I decided to spend a day away from the stream, which might have been likely if I felt the previous day didn't go so well.
Yes, I did suggest filesharing CGB's game for people in developing countries with very low incomes. I said this in CGB's presence, because:
Yes, I also really thought that CGB previously openly suggested it as an option in that case. I recalled a rather vivid memory about it. I would have never brought it up again at all if I thought it offensive or insulting.
No, I didn't foresee him denying it or angering over it. I was horribly embarrassed, and recommended against the suggestion immediately. I felt horrible and wanted to get past it. I also found myself doubting whether my own memories actually occurred, which in itself was especially hard. I found myself seriously wondering if I was losing my mind. I still can't say for certain where that memory comes from, except that it still feels real and memory-like.
No, I didn't foresee being banned from the stream or being blocked on FA.
No, I don't always necessarily figure out what will or will not offend or anger a person, and CGB in particular was never very easy to predict. I have to try to figure these things out in real-time without adequate social instincts to do so, and it is very, very hard when the stakes are high or I'm already under pressure.
Yes, I sought advice from friends over this. I didn't foresee these things happening, and I wanted some clarity and insight. I was told I was spineless and unassertive. I was told that CGB isn't a nice person to begin with. I was told that CGB is a prima donna. And someone even suggested that I'll get a lot of bad advice, casting all the previous advice into doubt. DrakeDragon also said some things that sound perfectly logical, perhaps more than anyone else - CGB's situation is nowhere near simple, and he's the way he is for some very good reasons. But to be perfectly honest, I don't know what to think, at all. And certainly not without help. And while I struggle for answers and foresight, I'm also trying not to leap to judgments if I can help it. But I'd like to have a grasp on something solid.
Yes, I had a panic attack over what's happened. I keep getting waves of physical pain, and I'm sick to the very pit of my stomach.
Yes, I do care if I have done something wrong, or if I have made someone mad. I don't want to do wrong, and I don't want to make people mad.
No, I don't know what do about it all, and I don't know what's coming. I try very, very hard to understand the best I can, and I hope for understanding in kind. But right now, I'm lost, and I don't know what to think or what to do.
And yes...I do figure CGB and I have very, very different personalities like oil and water, which may have made it unwise to attempt to spend so much time in the same place. Sometimes hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is too often blind as a bat.
Call me an idiot, call me a moron, call me clueless, call me thick-headed. All I know for certain is that something bad happened, and I don't know how to make it better, nor do I know for certain what to think about any of it. I don't know what I'm doing, or what to do. I want to know how to make things right, the right way. I want to do something right, for once.
2) Sometimes when you make someone really mad, there's nothing you can do but sigh, recognize that the relationship wasn't meant to be, and move on. Not every social conflict has a happy "Sorry!" "I accept you're apology! Let's be friends!" ending.