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Death of my beloved Grandmother
12 years ago
Can is not the same as must..
Precisely Saturday night at about 11:45pm or so, my grandma died on the bed. This whole event was probably something that I would never ever forget and as do for other people, it pretty much says the same. Death of a close family member is the worse possible event that could happened but it comes... then it comes. It was to be expected actually cause Grandma has been fighting for quite some time. Two years ago, she suffered from diabetes and nearly had to cut a part of her foot off but due to early detection, we were able to fend it off. However, that was the beginning of everything. Her vision began to blur and couldn't walk as good as she used to and in the end, she had water retention. I'm not sure how many of you guys knows about it or actually happens but its a problem where the water is kept inside of your body rather than excreting out like a normal being. Due to this, her body got swollen, expanded and just... got really heavy.
She also suffered kidney failure due to water retention. Water was found in her lungs and around her body and even after medication (both western and eastern method), it wasn't good enough. Water was retained in her body up to the point where it needed to excrete through her legs. There was fluids running down her thighs and overall legs and these 'water' are extremely toxic; in fact, poison to a normal being. Thus... we couldn't do anything. She died on bed fighting this and just... couldn't take it any more.
Eventually, I watched her die as well, an event that I could never forget. I tried reviving her back based on the instructions noted from someone from 999 but just couldn't make it. As I pumped and tried my best to actually give life to her, I knew she was gone but I prayed for a single glimmer of hope that she would still be breathing. Eventually, it was too late as the ambulance came and pronounced her dead on bed. The first that I've ever wanted to hear: "She's gone." I am not fucking prepared to know that she's gone. She is NOT GONE but reality hits and she's gone.
Eventually, we had to call for an emergency undertaker as we did not expect her to just 'go' like that. Everything went well as per a usual and traditional Chinese funeral ceremony but I just couldn't take it any more. When she was pronounced dead, I cried. She was taken away to be cleanse and prepared, I cried. The first that I've actually seen her in the coffin, lying there, I cried. Every fucking reason to be there was just a sense of mourning and despair. I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to wake up and say "Holy shit! That was a fucking nightmare!" but it never was that way.
Relatives come and go to pay respect and for each bows that were given, my grandpa cried uncontrollably. At that point, I've ran out of tears. I was too tired to cry, I only had less than four hours of sleep and was up the whole night and day, just for the funeral. The hardest part of everything was the cremation. We had it on the very next day after a prayer funeral and... my god... I do not want to have another go at it. I didn't realized how much I could actually pour my tears out as her body was taken to the cremation room and just... burn... When the fires raged inside, I swear to God... I actually heard the cries of despair and death looming all over the room. You know... like those movie scenes with spirits wailing about in a ghostly fashion? Yeah, exactly like that but I know logically, it's just the machine burning and humming up but it scared me, it scared me to death and my mum couldn't accept the fact that her mother has passed on; deceased.
It was a tiring day and things did not help much back home. Grandma's stuff were lying about, here and there and everywhere. Her medications, her wheelchair, that walking stick, that old bag of hers and most of her, her powdery scent that surround her very room with my grandpa. It's just there, waiting for their owner but never to return. I hate this...
Before she died, a week ago, I had to help her around while at the clinic for a blood test and during that period, while both me and grandma were alone, she gave me something precious: a gold ring. Knowing me, I do not like accessories around my body. Rings, piercing, necklaces, bracelet, etc; I don't like them on me and I couldn't accept that. By accepting that very precious Gold Ring of hers, is an indication that she knows her time is up. I couldn't accept that fact as well. Eventually, I took it as a moment of respect and till now, I have it with me. It's the only thing that I knew that Grandma knows and cares about me. My God... I miss grandma...
...I missed her so much... She took care of me for 24 years, which is my age as of now and never left my side and now she's gone. She used to give me money and food... lots of food in fact. She was there and just... you know... there... She taught me a whole bunch of stuff about traditions and experiences in actually going through rituals and stuff. I may be a Christian in religion but it never harmed someone to know and participate in something new, as long as your faith is there with you. Now, Chinese New Year will never be the same again. The very sound of mahjong, her delicious soups and cooking; I'll missed it.
As of the moment, I'm too tired to think of anything else. Tomorrow, we'll be going over to collect her ashes and find peace in her. That is all.
She also suffered kidney failure due to water retention. Water was found in her lungs and around her body and even after medication (both western and eastern method), it wasn't good enough. Water was retained in her body up to the point where it needed to excrete through her legs. There was fluids running down her thighs and overall legs and these 'water' are extremely toxic; in fact, poison to a normal being. Thus... we couldn't do anything. She died on bed fighting this and just... couldn't take it any more.
Eventually, I watched her die as well, an event that I could never forget. I tried reviving her back based on the instructions noted from someone from 999 but just couldn't make it. As I pumped and tried my best to actually give life to her, I knew she was gone but I prayed for a single glimmer of hope that she would still be breathing. Eventually, it was too late as the ambulance came and pronounced her dead on bed. The first that I've ever wanted to hear: "She's gone." I am not fucking prepared to know that she's gone. She is NOT GONE but reality hits and she's gone.
Eventually, we had to call for an emergency undertaker as we did not expect her to just 'go' like that. Everything went well as per a usual and traditional Chinese funeral ceremony but I just couldn't take it any more. When she was pronounced dead, I cried. She was taken away to be cleanse and prepared, I cried. The first that I've actually seen her in the coffin, lying there, I cried. Every fucking reason to be there was just a sense of mourning and despair. I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to wake up and say "Holy shit! That was a fucking nightmare!" but it never was that way.
Relatives come and go to pay respect and for each bows that were given, my grandpa cried uncontrollably. At that point, I've ran out of tears. I was too tired to cry, I only had less than four hours of sleep and was up the whole night and day, just for the funeral. The hardest part of everything was the cremation. We had it on the very next day after a prayer funeral and... my god... I do not want to have another go at it. I didn't realized how much I could actually pour my tears out as her body was taken to the cremation room and just... burn... When the fires raged inside, I swear to God... I actually heard the cries of despair and death looming all over the room. You know... like those movie scenes with spirits wailing about in a ghostly fashion? Yeah, exactly like that but I know logically, it's just the machine burning and humming up but it scared me, it scared me to death and my mum couldn't accept the fact that her mother has passed on; deceased.
It was a tiring day and things did not help much back home. Grandma's stuff were lying about, here and there and everywhere. Her medications, her wheelchair, that walking stick, that old bag of hers and most of her, her powdery scent that surround her very room with my grandpa. It's just there, waiting for their owner but never to return. I hate this...
Before she died, a week ago, I had to help her around while at the clinic for a blood test and during that period, while both me and grandma were alone, she gave me something precious: a gold ring. Knowing me, I do not like accessories around my body. Rings, piercing, necklaces, bracelet, etc; I don't like them on me and I couldn't accept that. By accepting that very precious Gold Ring of hers, is an indication that she knows her time is up. I couldn't accept that fact as well. Eventually, I took it as a moment of respect and till now, I have it with me. It's the only thing that I knew that Grandma knows and cares about me. My God... I miss grandma...
...I missed her so much... She took care of me for 24 years, which is my age as of now and never left my side and now she's gone. She used to give me money and food... lots of food in fact. She was there and just... you know... there... She taught me a whole bunch of stuff about traditions and experiences in actually going through rituals and stuff. I may be a Christian in religion but it never harmed someone to know and participate in something new, as long as your faith is there with you. Now, Chinese New Year will never be the same again. The very sound of mahjong, her delicious soups and cooking; I'll missed it.
As of the moment, I'm too tired to think of anything else. Tomorrow, we'll be going over to collect her ashes and find peace in her. That is all.
May she rest in peace, and may you too find peace.
-Sura Al-Baqara, Verse 156
Good luck getting through this tough time.
My grandfather sometimes comes to me and it helps to ease what pains I have for his absence.
I know exactly how you feel, what with my mom getting cancer and getting sicker and sicker until eventually she died on our couch, in my arms... I was numb with shock for a long time, since even though she was fading fast her death still came unexpectedly IMO. But I definitely cried at the funeral, and probably a number of times before and after...I can't remember really, it's all a blur.
But yeah. It's a terrible thing and you have my deepest sympathies. I remember you writing about your grandma before, the diabetes, what she was going through...at the time you were sure you'd lose her, but you didn't until now. Whether the extra time you got with her is a good thing or not depends, weighing it against her qualify of life and suffering...but the fact you got to find out, or be reminded, how much she did love you is very important, I think.
And heh, well sometimes things stick with me and I remember them, even after a long time.