I was filled with an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and regret and grief over what happened with CGB, making my stomach hurt and bringing back the chilling sensations. I've been trying really, really hard to cope with this, but the truth is that what happened was pretty mind-shattering and scarring.

Thing is, he was always so no-drama, and I tried especially hard to spare him from that. But the one drama that I couldn't cap was the chronic clumsiness and faux pas that come with being so very autistic and having so little useful social foresight or active intuition when it matters. My friends don't necessarily ignore that, but they excuse and tolerate it and develop an affinity for it, and accept me anyway. I (possibly foolishly) believed that since someone told CGB I was autistic and he said he'd try to treat me differently because of that, that all would likely be well if only I tried my very hardest and had the best intentions. In the end, all that made me was mentally overextended and socially brittle, and when I broke, I broke hard.

I'm not going to be socially graceful by neurotypical standards. I'm not. And yet...I still feel so very, very bad about the things that happened. My friends and family have tried to temper my inner chaos with logic and reason over the past week, and my superego has learnt much. I think it has, anyway - higher reasoning is a thought discipline largely theoretical and foreign to the side of me that feels emotion, embarrassment and pain - may as well try to explain it rationally to a house cat for all the good it does. This side of me mostly just wants to forgive and be forgiven, and have things be okay again. But for now, I feel like I effectively know nothing, understand nothing, and foresee nothing, because I feel a seething uneasiness over whether any intuition I might have will be in any way constructive or reliable.