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Im tired... [vent]
12 years ago
It is not the darkness we should fear but the beings that corrupt and ruin from within.
I can honestly say Im tired. Emotionally, mentally, and Physically. I haven't felt this worn out ever but its just become so strong and its draggin me down. I can't concentrate, my insomnia and Sleep Deprivation has gotten a little worse and its like everything irritates me now but of course I rarely voice my irritation.
I didn't start suffering with this until After my dad moved his mother in. Its like now that she is here my stress and mental aches are doubled and honestly my thoughts have turned darker than before. I can't voice my opinions about here nor my desires for her to leave because my dad would be hurt and then I'd get a lecture about helping family and other christian-y Values as well as that there was no other choice but for her to live here.
The thing is when my parents discussed it when we were down in Florida over my fall break they never asked me what I thought and how I felt about it. Then again my dad and his siblings basically made the decision without ever really taking in account how me and my mom felt.
*sighs and sits down drawing my knees up to my chest* With my grandmother here Im under so much stress because I can't say what I want to because I love my dad too much to hurt him like that, and with school I just feel like im drowning in problems. Some days I just want to pack some clothes in a bag and just take off for a few days driving with no real destination in mind, just because im suffocating in this house.
Its like with Bea living here I just can't be myself, I have to smile and pretend to be a happy young lady when all i am inside is a broken hateful guy who just wants to be accepted as he is. She doesn't know I identify as Neutrois but express as Male, nor that Im not straight or a good little christian.
Its just too much sometimes. I mean I have college to look forward too in about two years [junior in HS now] but because I can't really afford to travel super long distances Im planning on going to a local Mortuary College if I possibly can so Im still going to be living at home.
And as it is I can't talk to my therapist for a while because we don't have the money and I really really need to because Im honestly afraid if things keep up the way they are Im going to hurt someone and not emotionally or mentally and honestly enjoy it.
Bah im just whining again, I'll probably end up deleting this in about an hour..
I didn't start suffering with this until After my dad moved his mother in. Its like now that she is here my stress and mental aches are doubled and honestly my thoughts have turned darker than before. I can't voice my opinions about here nor my desires for her to leave because my dad would be hurt and then I'd get a lecture about helping family and other christian-y Values as well as that there was no other choice but for her to live here.
The thing is when my parents discussed it when we were down in Florida over my fall break they never asked me what I thought and how I felt about it. Then again my dad and his siblings basically made the decision without ever really taking in account how me and my mom felt.
*sighs and sits down drawing my knees up to my chest* With my grandmother here Im under so much stress because I can't say what I want to because I love my dad too much to hurt him like that, and with school I just feel like im drowning in problems. Some days I just want to pack some clothes in a bag and just take off for a few days driving with no real destination in mind, just because im suffocating in this house.
Its like with Bea living here I just can't be myself, I have to smile and pretend to be a happy young lady when all i am inside is a broken hateful guy who just wants to be accepted as he is. She doesn't know I identify as Neutrois but express as Male, nor that Im not straight or a good little christian.
Its just too much sometimes. I mean I have college to look forward too in about two years [junior in HS now] but because I can't really afford to travel super long distances Im planning on going to a local Mortuary College if I possibly can so Im still going to be living at home.
And as it is I can't talk to my therapist for a while because we don't have the money and I really really need to because Im honestly afraid if things keep up the way they are Im going to hurt someone and not emotionally or mentally and honestly enjoy it.
Bah im just whining again, I'll probably end up deleting this in about an hour..
