So, my half brother and his wife came for the weekend, since he had kind of disappeared for many years after not being able to pay my father a debt he had. But that's neither here nor there. The last time he was here, about 7 years ago, I had lost a lot of respect for him after he rambled about how evolution is bullshit and gays are immoral and the usual social conservative schtick.

Apparently nothing has changed.

I had to sit through an hour of him basically trying to convert me, though he would never say he was pressuring me into anything. Sorry, but you don't get to say that you aren't pushing me one minute and then say that whoever doesn't find god will end up in the lake of fucking fire the next. Fuck you. Then came the whole gay spiel. You can imagine what bs he was spewing.

To be honest, I was hoping that something had changed, that maybe I would have some family to grow close to. I basically have no family in my mind. Sure, I'm related to many people by blood, but everyone's a fucking bigot. I can't come out, I would have no one to support me. I thought that I would just be able to brush off that my brother's an idiot, but instead it fucking tore me apart. I had to sit there, smiling and nodding while he bashed the lgbt community completely unaware that I was part of it. But I didn't dare protest, because first I'm a fucking wuss, and secondly I didn't want to add more turbulence to our already dysfunctional family.

I HATE that I have no one to talk to in person that I can be open with.
I HATE that my brother keeps telling me he wants to get close to his younger sibling, being me. It hurts.. Part of me has always... craved a close familiar bond with someone where I can tell them truly everything, but I have no one I can sit next to and truly feel at ease. I have never, ever been that close to anyone. But I want it every fucking day. It's just that all the shit my brother said fucking punctuated how alone I am here. I have never had my blood boiling so fucking hard and I had to just keep my mouth shut for the sake of everyone else having peace. I am fucking sick and tired of basing my whole life on fear and the opinions of others and living like a fucking hermit because I'm so damn /weak/. I don't go out, I don't have friends to go to, I have no family who knows me. I have -nothing- here for me.

All I have is the community here. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing this site is here, and there are people who understand. The internet is the only place I've gotten any meaningful relationship, even if I don't get that close. This is the only refuge I have, especially on this site. Really... I realize that there's a lot of people here who I've talked to and tried to make a friendship and then sort of stopped talking. I hate that I do that. It's not that I don't like someone and stop talking to them, I just.. that's how I am. After some point I just scare myself and stop talking for fear of looking stupid, which in itself is stupid and counterproductive to what I'm trying to do, but I can't help it. Even if I don't talk much I'm grateful for your presence, even though I just watch. Knowing you guys is really the only thing that's keeping me from giving up and jumping off the nearest bridge. So... thanks. I don't know, I'm a bit off track here, maybe. I don't know anymore.

I don't know how disjointed or stupid this rant is, I just barely escaped my brother's proselytizing and bigotry and I'm fucking livid and in tears. I'll try to get some sleep now. Hopefully they'll have left the house if I sleep in enough.