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Dasha isn't dead update. (long journal, roller coastery)
12 years ago
Hi folks.
So. I guess it's been a while since I posted a journal with more than a "Hey help these guys out" type thing.
The first thing I want to do is apologize. I know that while I've been dealing with my own hurt and problems, I have neglected the people around me when it would have been a helluva lot smarter to just get on the phone or computer or whatevs and say "hey, I really can't handle anything right now". And I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, I'm going to understand if I have fucked up beyond a basic "sorry-fix-it". I will need to work my ass off to regain trust, if it can be regained. Specific people will be getting phone calls very soon. A couple of you, I am sure you know who you are.
Because I'm me...I'm gonna go ahead and lay it all out there on the table. The folks that are going to judge, knock yourselves out. You can't do any worse to me than I've done to myself.
So, if you're a new watcher (Where the poop did y'all come from???), you probably are unaware that I lost my job in January, and as such, have been relying on the rent I received from
Liedt (who's a helluva roommate, and a person that I have so much respect for it's silly), funds from quilting projects, and funds from my grandmother to keep from losing my home and paying my bills.
Between January 9th and May 8th, I filled out 323 job applications/sent my resume to places that were hiring locally. By locally, I mean within a 40 mile radius of Peoria IL. I applied for EVERYTHING I thought I might be qualified or over qualified for. I did not file for unemployment, because I have too much pride, like a jackass. I should have. I had 14 job interviews, and 5 2nd interviews. I even had one job promise me that I'd start Monday and then they disappeared.
That takes a toll on your soul. I know there's a lot of folks out there, not just furries that are job hunting and are facing homelessness. At this point, I have no need or want for pity, I just want folks to understand.
Depression is something I've fought with for years, but have never taken the jump for medical help because I know that will limit jobs I want to have in the future if it's on my record, god forbid I try to get my own health insurance with that looming over me.
I am not proud, I am ashamed but am using this as a tool to keep myself from ever falling this far again. I admit that in the past month, I have more than once thought about ending it. Looked things up, started setting up a Last Will & Testament, the works. Had people that had agreed to take Grace & Quigley if "something happened to me".
And then, I hit my absolute rock bottom. I found out I was pregnant...but it was a moot point. Physical and emotional duress led to me being not pregnant real quick. I'm going to grieve over this for a long time. It's not the first time I've lost one...pretty sure I can't carry to term at this point, but let's face it, I'd be a shitty mom. I'm insecure and needy and selfish and want a million things out of life that I wouldn't be able to pursue if I was to bring a child into the world. I -refuse- to be like my aunt or my cousin, who have abandoned their children because they had better things to do. I still love babies, and to my friends that -are- pregnant, I am so happy for you. I wish you all of the wonder and magic and happiness that comes with being a parent. Please, don't even try to shield your happiness about it from me because that'll just make it more awkward and painful. Life is going to go on. ((That happened last time...I may be hurting, but I can still smile and be happy))
Then... one afternoon, just a little over a week ago, my mother called me. We have not had a smooth relationship since her sister passed away, and she tends to passive aggressively take her frustration at everyone out on me. I still bend over backwards to do things for her and help out with her store (Nonnie's Attic Fabric Shop) because I figure one day it'll be mine, and ummm. Yeah, she's family.
"Do you like fabric?" Mom don't ask me stupid questions. I don't feel good. "That's not an answer." *sigh* Yes. I love fabric, as evidenced by the room full and 2 sewing machines. "Do you like people?" HA. Um. Oh. Most days of the week. "Do you like to travel?" ...I about stopped breathing. I knew that those were the requisites for being a traveling sales rep for any of the textile companies that come through the shop to peddle beautiful fabrics for craft, quilts, and clothing. "Blank needs a new rep since Stacey just transferred to Checkers."
She gave me the phone number for the poor New Yorker that was touring the midwest looking for a rep for IL/IN as well as a rep for IA. I called him immediately and left a message. What the hell, it couldn't hurt to try. He called me back and we set up a meeting. The meeting came and went, at Mom's shop...I barely got a word in edgewise since Mom KEPT TALKING over me. I figured I'd never hear back from him. 3 days later, he would be back in Pekin/Peoria, and we'd talk again, he said. He -DID- call back. The only other candidate he found was 87 and owns a shop already. Me, at 24, with no children, not married, with a very creative mind, quilting experience, and an eye for color and design, became the perfect candidate. I had the job.
I nailed the job. Holy FUCK what? A job where I'm given expensive fabric before it hits store shelves, let alone SHIPS from the warehouses?! A job where I can travel, set my own hours, go to as many cons as I can afford, and make 5x as much $$$ as I've EVER made? I think I may just die from the excitement.
So...Northern/central Indiana furs, Northern IL furs, Northeastern MO furs, and Southwestern MI furs...anybody mind if I crash on some couches every once in a while? Be hella cheaper than hotels lol.
I will still need a roommate as I only get one paycheck per month. Opting to turn the smaller bedroom into my home office/sewing room because I officially need one now, but the basement efficiency is still up for grabs. If you know anyone interested, I have pictures that I can text and a full description of the space since Liedt was amazing and fixed it all up and put in a bath tub.
So there you have it. Dasha's not dead. Dasha is now busier than bucky the beaver and still recovering from problems. And by DOG I am going to overcome my issues and make it up to the people I have let down.
Thank you to the friends that have been there or offered to be there even though I'm a stubborn little shit who doesn't like to open up. You're all wonderful, and I love you.
TL;DR: Lol if you didn't read, you don't need to know. I'm still breathing.
So. I guess it's been a while since I posted a journal with more than a "Hey help these guys out" type thing.
The first thing I want to do is apologize. I know that while I've been dealing with my own hurt and problems, I have neglected the people around me when it would have been a helluva lot smarter to just get on the phone or computer or whatevs and say "hey, I really can't handle anything right now". And I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, I'm going to understand if I have fucked up beyond a basic "sorry-fix-it". I will need to work my ass off to regain trust, if it can be regained. Specific people will be getting phone calls very soon. A couple of you, I am sure you know who you are.
Because I'm me...I'm gonna go ahead and lay it all out there on the table. The folks that are going to judge, knock yourselves out. You can't do any worse to me than I've done to myself.
So, if you're a new watcher (Where the poop did y'all come from???), you probably are unaware that I lost my job in January, and as such, have been relying on the rent I received from
Liedt (who's a helluva roommate, and a person that I have so much respect for it's silly), funds from quilting projects, and funds from my grandmother to keep from losing my home and paying my bills. Between January 9th and May 8th, I filled out 323 job applications/sent my resume to places that were hiring locally. By locally, I mean within a 40 mile radius of Peoria IL. I applied for EVERYTHING I thought I might be qualified or over qualified for. I did not file for unemployment, because I have too much pride, like a jackass. I should have. I had 14 job interviews, and 5 2nd interviews. I even had one job promise me that I'd start Monday and then they disappeared.
That takes a toll on your soul. I know there's a lot of folks out there, not just furries that are job hunting and are facing homelessness. At this point, I have no need or want for pity, I just want folks to understand.
Depression is something I've fought with for years, but have never taken the jump for medical help because I know that will limit jobs I want to have in the future if it's on my record, god forbid I try to get my own health insurance with that looming over me.
I am not proud, I am ashamed but am using this as a tool to keep myself from ever falling this far again. I admit that in the past month, I have more than once thought about ending it. Looked things up, started setting up a Last Will & Testament, the works. Had people that had agreed to take Grace & Quigley if "something happened to me".
And then, I hit my absolute rock bottom. I found out I was pregnant...but it was a moot point. Physical and emotional duress led to me being not pregnant real quick. I'm going to grieve over this for a long time. It's not the first time I've lost one...pretty sure I can't carry to term at this point, but let's face it, I'd be a shitty mom. I'm insecure and needy and selfish and want a million things out of life that I wouldn't be able to pursue if I was to bring a child into the world. I -refuse- to be like my aunt or my cousin, who have abandoned their children because they had better things to do. I still love babies, and to my friends that -are- pregnant, I am so happy for you. I wish you all of the wonder and magic and happiness that comes with being a parent. Please, don't even try to shield your happiness about it from me because that'll just make it more awkward and painful. Life is going to go on. ((That happened last time...I may be hurting, but I can still smile and be happy))
Then... one afternoon, just a little over a week ago, my mother called me. We have not had a smooth relationship since her sister passed away, and she tends to passive aggressively take her frustration at everyone out on me. I still bend over backwards to do things for her and help out with her store (Nonnie's Attic Fabric Shop) because I figure one day it'll be mine, and ummm. Yeah, she's family.
"Do you like fabric?" Mom don't ask me stupid questions. I don't feel good. "That's not an answer." *sigh* Yes. I love fabric, as evidenced by the room full and 2 sewing machines. "Do you like people?" HA. Um. Oh. Most days of the week. "Do you like to travel?" ...I about stopped breathing. I knew that those were the requisites for being a traveling sales rep for any of the textile companies that come through the shop to peddle beautiful fabrics for craft, quilts, and clothing. "Blank needs a new rep since Stacey just transferred to Checkers."
She gave me the phone number for the poor New Yorker that was touring the midwest looking for a rep for IL/IN as well as a rep for IA. I called him immediately and left a message. What the hell, it couldn't hurt to try. He called me back and we set up a meeting. The meeting came and went, at Mom's shop...I barely got a word in edgewise since Mom KEPT TALKING over me. I figured I'd never hear back from him. 3 days later, he would be back in Pekin/Peoria, and we'd talk again, he said. He -DID- call back. The only other candidate he found was 87 and owns a shop already. Me, at 24, with no children, not married, with a very creative mind, quilting experience, and an eye for color and design, became the perfect candidate. I had the job.
I nailed the job. Holy FUCK what? A job where I'm given expensive fabric before it hits store shelves, let alone SHIPS from the warehouses?! A job where I can travel, set my own hours, go to as many cons as I can afford, and make 5x as much $$$ as I've EVER made? I think I may just die from the excitement.
So...Northern/central Indiana furs, Northern IL furs, Northeastern MO furs, and Southwestern MI furs...anybody mind if I crash on some couches every once in a while? Be hella cheaper than hotels lol.
I will still need a roommate as I only get one paycheck per month. Opting to turn the smaller bedroom into my home office/sewing room because I officially need one now, but the basement efficiency is still up for grabs. If you know anyone interested, I have pictures that I can text and a full description of the space since Liedt was amazing and fixed it all up and put in a bath tub.
So there you have it. Dasha's not dead. Dasha is now busier than bucky the beaver and still recovering from problems. And by DOG I am going to overcome my issues and make it up to the people I have let down.
Thank you to the friends that have been there or offered to be there even though I'm a stubborn little shit who doesn't like to open up. You're all wonderful, and I love you.
TL;DR: Lol if you didn't read, you don't need to know. I'm still breathing.
At least it is looking better. The darkest before the dawn really seemed to apply. Your stuff going on is inspirational for me right now, as stressful as it is/was.
The way I've always seen it, there is almost always someone out there having a worse day than me. I just had to pull my head out of a hole in the ground to remember it there for a while. :) I'm glad that my craziness can do something for you. You've got talent coming out of your ears lol, and I bet whatever it inspires will be super cool.