my feelings for my partner started out as a really bizarre mixture of both fear of the actual person as well as the weird art-crush thing

so I ACTUALLY KIND OF KNOW WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT in some aspects sorta kinda maybe whatever

YEAH Tryst and I started as a porn art trade, same thing with Syri. My aussie girlfriend it was talking about her art (um...leatherworking and kink).

BUT LIKE. it is somewhat annoying that I kind of find it very easy to like people A LOT??? And then wind myself into knots over it because

my emotions are so excessive aaagh

i find an opposite problem most of the time where people get attached and emotive towards me and im either actually stupidly oblivious or unable to reciprocate due to chemistry being dead and nonexistent on my half

which leads to me looking like a heartless dICK when in reality im just dumb and asocial and inclined to really only truly chum around with a select few i feel rather fond of

people are dumb omg

See I don't mind if folks feel that way it's just kind of hard to tell what they do feel in general that is the problem. I have this weird...thing...where I don't seem to get conventional friendship patterns and struggle to maintain those kind of 'typical' relationships because I have literally no idea where people stand with me emotionally and I associate actual friendship with emotional closeness and intimate knowledge of each other, to the point where I've been very surprised that people (who I like! but don't consider 'friends' but 'nice people I know') consider me a close friend.

To be honest you've never really come across as much of a heartless dick, but more as someone who keeps their emotions private and close to themselves. I mean shit dude you have like twenty billion folks trying to chat you up no one can deal with that amount of stuff. I mean even with my number of folks who watch me it's probaly .9% of them that I actually feel like I have chemistry with, it's just that when it happens I kind of get a big old confusing rush of feels that are very distracting. :I

But yeah, people are really dumb. (I feel a little bad when folks who I chat with on the interwebs want my skype address and stuff when most of the time I wouldn't have anything to talk about with them without having a subject matter to play off.)

yeah i dont even really what are friends??? i grew up mostly lonely with only a couple companions so im just used to the idea of only partaking myself in a small amount of people i would consider actually being friends. friendship is a very...serious concept for me i suppose. its equated to companionship and a form of intimacy not shared with what i would call acquaintanceship, which comprise most of my connections with others as i do not feel particularly close to many

i mean when im not too down in the dumps of furtively slinking around im pretty game for idle chit chat online. only in public spaces tho like comments on journals n art cuz when people try to corner me to make small talk in private like through notes or asking for my skype i flee immediately as cornering startles me and pushes me away and i am tERRIBLE AT SMALL TALK SHRIEKS. its too shallow to me and it makes me feel gross so i dont enjoy it

like i only regularly talk to a couple of my skype contacts and those are the people i consider in that intimate tier of friendship and are therefor worth that time and me trying to conversate vague words and smash the keys all over the place

Small talk is the fucking devil. If I can't spend a whole day with someone not saying a fucking thing to them but existing in their company then I cannot consider them a Friend. If people don't have something worthwhile to say then why would you go looking for random shit when conversation is not happening naturally? if it's forced it should die. Not talking about non-serious conversation, that is totally legit. Just...conversation for the sake of talking though? I don't even. talking isn't the fun part, the fun part is learning and sharing thoughts that cannot be shared otherwise because sadly I am not telepathic.

Friendship is a very odd thing. I have kind of come to the conclusion that calling the gammut of relationships that happen between people 'friendship' is like trying to describe every different kind of fish in the ocean without having a word other than fish. There are so many complicated little relationship structures that agh holy crap. I also grew up mostly a loner, I did form compainionships and I was usually friendly with people but I very obviously did not grok how to interact within the 'common' patterns of friendship. I am finding that now a days I am having more trouble because I am meeting people who I can interact with meaningfully and who are comfortable with letting relationships develop into comfortable forms that fit each person involved, and then like there is the weird sensation of folks I like making overtures of mostly 'normalish' friendship at me and I'm kind of trying to figure out how it works and stuff. People are so complicated.

Most of the folks in my intimate tier of friendship are folks who I also have romantic and other feelings towards, but that's kind of mostly because of my really fluid approach to romantic relationships. Even the main close friendship that is not romantic would probably LOOK like a romantic relationship from outside perspective simply due to the intimacy and mutually affectionate behaviour. /I am in an incoherent rambles mood tonight SORRY

like i get to certain points with actual friends when on skype our talking literally devolves into the word "ok" being parroted back and forth which is usually a sign that someone should take a nap probably. but i mean its different with friends. you can do those sorta bs one word conversations because they get dropped and both sides fall comfortably silent but no ones popping back in trying to bring it back to life with dribble like "so hows the weather". but just knowing even after a conversation with a friend has stopped for a couple hours but if i pop in saying whats up and theyll answer is something fine by me. i dont really feel its pestering like when its with people i dont really know nor care for

hell even my actual friendships are super different??? like each one calls for different actions oBVIOUSLY THO since everyones different. one friend may need more company than another, one more serious and not prone to jokes(then nevermind they probably arent a friend lAUGHS), whatever.

ah yeah i think thats pretty cool??? i would consider myself more or less monogamous sort of kind of eh??? i mean im not really sexually inclined(haha what even is libido i think mine died when i was a fetus) which at this point is not actually an issue for once in my life due to my partner sharing the aspect of asexuality with me unlike previous partners who were more normally sexual(if normals even the word i dont know fuck) and i felt pushed me into territory i am inherently alien and therefor uncomfortable in. but i guess with some forms of intimate contact i feel pretty blurred like i would smooch all my friends. totally smooch them and maybe licking i dont know im a dumb gross. more sexual things obviously not bECAUSE OF PREVIOUSLY STATED REASONS???? not that sexual is bad wHICH IS SOMETHING I HATE FROM PEOPLE BECAUSE THEYRE LIKE "oh youre asexual yOU MUST BE SEX NEGATIVE" and im like nO IM GOING TO PUNCH YOU because yeah i dont fucking care how many you bed and how you do it(just be smart/safe/frick and dont fucking hurt people ok) but since i just. lack the libido i cant sit there and really do the whole shebang and people get awkward and i get awkward and its like gomen not gomen i feel absolutely nothing. but like idek. i have one friend who actually is the one who introduced me to kata and im like???? super grossly close to him on a level near par with my partner and have considered it a form of romance even though hes a pretty gay male dude and im...a thING??? ? ??? ? ? what are labels i dont even but i mean at least its reciprocated in some form of closeness in that both sides are very important to one another and thats what i feel counts that and i would give him all the smooches and pets and cuddles i would give to kata. hell my number one emotional want is to have a big gay naked cuddle party with kata and my friend and then we watch out japanese animes together

i really think an asexual sapiophiles the closest term i can fit my. romantic. sexual. uh. uHM. UH?? stuff to since i find mental/intellectual/bleh stimulation and learning to be the thing that really jingles my jangles(please send help) and is imperative to a lot of bullshit i do like making friends or drawing or just staying up until 8 in the morning reading about plate tectonics i am a huge useless nerd who cant remember shit

im a dumb baby lays down and gurgles

ew what a long reply

also ps i may pass out at any second goodnight world it was nice knowin ya

I can often up just saying good morning to some folks on skype just so that they know I'm around and spending the whole day not saying anything to each other, but still feeling mutually better because of the shared sense of company.

I mean the thing with the sexual stuff is that it's different with everyone. Being in relationships which are kind of trapped with different libido levels issssss just fucking shit being in that situation is heartbreaking and really uncomfortable and so hard to resolve agh. The nice thing about mostly hanging around sexually open and kink-type folk has been that I know different people's libido and comfort levels BEFORE I end up tangled with them emotionally in an incompatable lump situation, I kind of wish more people would consider stuff like that because it makes relationships a lot more smooth, even if it is just something to be AWARE of before you commit to something. Informed descisions are good.

I don't get the asexual=sex negative thing??? That is weird as fuck. People kind of seem to view everyone in the world as having the same kind of libido level/type as them and then get confused by other people's behaviour seeming illogical (when it is in fact perfectly logical for how they're built). I dunno folks are weird.

I guess the thing with sex is that even I don't often end up going through with the huge sexual deallio? Yeah I do have sex and I like sex but I also like cuddles just as much (usually more, really). But then I get kind of intimate in cuddles and I like kissing and stuff and stroking and patting...usually I describe it as being sensual because it's not even necessarily sexual, and it's just as convoluted with kink stuff like having a friendly flogging or needleplay ffs. So much stuff is contextual. I like being able to interact with folks to the point that we're both comfortable, like I have a couple of friends with whom the boundaries include a lot of cuddling and hugging and affection but not kissing because they're in a monogamous relationship, to some friends with whom I just sit next to or lean on, to some with whom I sleep in the same bed with and kiss and cuddle and get very close and intimate with, both in nonsexual ways (just to feel warm bodies and close platonic affection) or in sexual ways. Touch is just nice on multiple levels and can be a really interesting way to communicate with someone. And it can be really good for health too I mean I like grooming people and massaging people and doing that kind of stuff and that is really good for your body, you know? Stimulates feel-good chemicals and can help ease muscle tension and can help with blood flow and some skin issues. It's kind of sad that a lot of people go touching=sexual, because that's super not true, it just doesn't work like that. Naked cuddle parties are pretty much the greatest (as is sleeping in a great big pile of friends and cuddling up)

I usually just call myself pansexual because it's easier but a lot of my behaviour is more demisexual/romantic and heavily sapiosexual (but that's part of why I lump it under pan because it's so much easier to just say 'I'm attracted to all kinds of things, including friggin shades of blue' than to try and tack on labels and shit to other more narrow fields).

YOU don't beat yourself for liking learning and brain stimulation holy shit that's like...really good stuff? Nerd is good? I am confused because that stuff is like the best? (I mean god Tryst and I get really gross at each other when we have a big old debate discussion thing I swear the aftermath of it feels like a mental afterglow? Or having a big philosophical ramble with Cal or discussing music and physicality with or art or just yeah brain stuff)

You are probably asleep now BUT I REPLIED ANYWAY so like have good rest n shit :>

hi im awak now barely but yes that was a good commetn

I mean jeez back on the heartless dick thing I can't imagine how you could be a heartless dick considering the emotional depth and consideration I've seen in your art, and especially the pieces you've drawn for folks you're close to. Like how can you be a heartless dick you obviously have a big ol heart it's just that there are waaaaaay too many folk out there for anyone to be close to everyone

i mEAN WHEN YOU PUSH THE WRONG BUTTONS i can get p snappy and its gross and no one needs to see it case and point a situation that happened several days ago because i opened my mouth and pooped out an opinion and reacted harshly to someone elses opinion that i felt infringed upon the personal choices of others(which i hold very dear as an incredibly important part of human existence) bLUH GRUMBLES

but yeah no if youre like up in those tiers im going to dote on you in some way shape or form, even if its not art. dont always gotta be gift art sometimes its me incessantly checking up on you and trying to make you laugh and/or tormenting you with things we both find terrible(like bad fan fiction) so we can suffer together

I get where you're coming from there, I have a few rather well hidden buttons that I try to avoid pushing or letting other people push, I don't really like how I get when I start getting super snappy. I kind of have a few issues with being cornered that result in me behaving kind of beserk or irrationally, embarrassingly so.

I have this funny thing with gift art, I like making gift art for people I'm close to but some people set it off more than others jut because they inspire me to draw more for whatever reason, not necessarily because I care any more or less. I tend to get very maternal/paternal with folks I care about (I kind of have to be a bit careful because I get kind of OVERPROTECTIVE which is usually a little bit obstructive when it comes to resolving things)

i think outta all my friends kata gets the most gifts but thats also bullshit that doesnt count cuz i draw them for myself lAUGHSGSH

but yeah no i can get that?? like the whole inspiring thing i guess yep

I probably draw the most of stuff for Tryst but that's kind of the same deal? It's also kind of tied with the fact that we're really similar and I just flat out enjoy drawing her critters, they give a similar buzz as drawing my own stuff. Usually though it's just because we talk the most often haha the more I talk with someone the easier it is to draw stuff for them.

imagine my glee when i was like kATA SO YOU EVISCERATED ME WHILE WEARING VERY NICE LINGERIE IN A DREAM ONCE and they were like thas p cool evisceration and lingerie should happen more often. since we have a disproportionate amount of shared interests i can share all sorts of things and draw to my hearts content without repercussion

that and hahah the thighs kata draws

tho s e t h i g h s

so yeah i would say i definitely feel ya on that buzz thing yeah

I am really pleased that I can draw my characters romantically eviscerating Tryst and pretty much all kinds of really taboo stuff that we share an interest in it is very nice yeap

And yeah KATA DRAWS AMAZING THIGHS HOLY SHIT?? HOW??

I do a little happy dance every time one of you posts something because I love the themes in your art so cool

Oh man, and I thought I was the only one with that problem. D: Phew.

Hhhh I get like this to kind of but it usually manifests as a bizarre urge to get to know the person and it sometimes scares people away ahaha

YEAH That happens too :I Usually I just try to dial myself back before I get too excited and make an effort to talk to the person while preventing my brain from doing that dumb building-up-fantasies-about-a-person thing. Sometimes that ends up in me having some chats, sometimes it doesn't, but it usually seems to make the feelings a bit easier to deal with if I cna get up the balls (and the brainpower) to actually say stuff.

the only problem is that there are some occassional folks who just go and hit a bunch of my buttons and then oops big old crush shyness IT IS WORSE IF THEY IDENTIFY FEMININE. I have a an excessive amount of shyness and nervousness about that for some weird reason.

Aaaah I used to have this really low self-esteem thing that I had to work out of, when it was still bad it was the hardest to talk to people I admired, because I was like dang no I'm not worthy. I would try to just break away from those dumb feelings and talk to the person but it usually came out kind of strong because of the force it took to get myself to actually say something eheh

Or it came out really pitiful idk

aaah I'm better now though, been working on raising my self-esteem and stuff for like two or three years now and have started to finally show improvement eheh

I WISH it was just people who identified as one or the other but I get feelings for everyone regardless ugh. I don't get actual very strong sexual feelings usually though, more like just super affectionate and I CARE TOO MUCH and I think some people avoid that hhh

The low self esteem thing yeeeeeah. I have been working on mine and I usually manage to bury it, but a lot of the fear tends to also come from embarrassment and being afraid of making the other person uncomfortable if my over-enthusiam comes through or I make a social booboo. But I guess that is self esteem related anyway because I tend to value other's comfort and opinions WAAAAY above my own.

See the weird thing about the having trouble talking to feminine identified folks is that I am attracted to all kinds of people, femme, butch and other? So as far as I can tell my main issue is just that I associate feminine behaviours with the shitton of bullying I have recieved at the hands of girly girls in school, who were less tolerant of my social oddities and misunderstandings than tomboyish girls or boys. I have this ingrained "I don't know how to talk to girls D:" thing. I get really affectionate but the line between affectionate, sensual and sexual for me is really blurred and gradiented and mixed up with a bunch of other things too.

I do this... but I've always been weird like that. Music and other forms of art and and and... guh.

Well, if you were weird and got a crush on me (yeah, not likely, you're talking about art. hehe) go for it. *snicker*

Oh god you just reminded me of my other problem with crushes

being told to go for it makes me squeak with embarrassment and curl up into a little ball of blushing? omg

*snicker*

*patpat*

I have problems receiving affection D: oh, you think I'm cute? Excuse me while I go crawl into a hole.

Which is really weird, considering I'm a very friendly and affectionate person. I love giving hugs or cuddles, but the moment someone tries to reciprocate, I get nervous and very blushy and uncomfortable. Physical contact from another person is really hard to accept, even though I have no problem giving someone a massage or hug or such. And whether it's my art or my shirt, I can't stand compliments because of the way they make me feel.

And things get so much more awkward when gender plays a role. I'm female, but fluid. I don't bother correcting pronouns because it's really a matter of how people perceive me, but I lean toward the more masculine end of the spectrum. My female friends typically consider me a gay man, and most of my male friends treat me like I'm just one of the guys. Things get very awkward, however, when I hang out with some of my best friends, who are gay and tend to see me as a gay guy as well. The amount of sexual tension and confusion is suffocating and has led to some interesting identity crises over the years, for myself and for others. It's likely to be one out the reasons I have such a hard time accepting affection.

Awkward Kraz is awkward. -sigh-

I somewhat understand the art crush thin, I think... It's always so disappointing to find out they're either mimicking someone else or just adopted a style because it was easy. It sucks to be attracted to their drawing personality, only to find out that they're not like that at all.

Anywho, here's hoping you have better luck at solving your problems than I've had!

YEAH I KNOW THE CRAWL IN A HOLE FEELING. or hide under a pillow.

I used to have a bit of trouble with being on the recieving end of things, but it kind of helps (me personally, at least) to see what enjoyment the other person gets out if being on the giving side and such. I had a lot more trouble with it when I had less coping mechanisms for my low self esteem, it's a hard thing ;3;

PRONOUNS are the absolute butts. I can't figure out what the fuck's up with me but I've kind of apparently quite suddenly had a big flip in my gender presentation and my friends, while attempting to be supportive, are definitely mostly still in the adjustment stage. I can never figure out where I stand with women or gay men. Ok, fuck it, I have a hard time figuring out where I stand with ANYBODY, I just have an extra layer of weird fears around those two groups. I never know where I stand with people and it's so hard to figure out how much anyone is comfortable with.

I know how the awkward feeling goes. I doubt however that you're as awkward as you feel yourself, because most people are focusing so much on themselves (how awkward/awesome/normal/whatever they are). I know that doesn't always help, but hopefully it's a thought that could take off a bit of the pressure?

Funny thing, I've not really run across the problem of stylization, I usually tend to end up going for things that are distinctly born from someone's personality.

Here's hoping you have more luck solving yours!

Haha well if it helps at all I think that's kind of cute! xD

That was kind of how my first relationship manifested before we both realized we were just being silly and just decided to stick to being good friends instead of something greater ( at the very least that relationship let off super easy! ). Fell in love with the person's art before I fell in love with the person. ( Admittedly I still get giddy when this person comments positively on my art ).

It makes sense though. Speaking specifically of those who draw what they feel rather than those that simply draw for money, art is a very powerful, very expressive medium to the artist. It's like putting down a little bit of yourself for display for all to see, so its understandable to like a person simply because their art strikes you in a certain way ( even if it isn't as simple as that really ). Happens with musicians too, why so many younger people have bad crushes for say rock stars and the like -- they love the music so much they're sure they'll love the person who sings it, however that's obviously less likely to go well :}

nooooooo *hides under pillow* ;///;

Oh, geez, I love having my art commented on by someone who's art I enjoy, though my reaction is often OMG NOT WORTHY (which isn't particularly healthy but I'm working on that...slowly..)

we are twins

are you the sister I never had???

if you are even a girl??? I don't even know these things gosh

WELL ER KINDA? I was born with a vagina

I consider myself a dude though (that gets inconvenient let me tell you)

I sometimes consider myself a dude sometimes a lady maybe i'm just kinda androgynous I don't care what pronouns to call me by

but if you prefer male pronouns ive no qualms about calling you by them! just please forgive innacuracies because i'm pretty gender confused as it is and tend to refer to my coworkers by the wrong gender sometimes as well LOL

Haha no worries, I'm not too fussed.

ALL IS FULL OF LOOOOVE

I get that way haha ;; but I have a super low opinion of myself a lot of the time so it makes approaching anyone very difficult; I tend to wait for people to come to me. Though I am sort of not talkative at times which probably makes people fear me because it's very hard to emote over the internet in general. Aaha.

My best friend I met over dA eons ago and we are still best friends; I am so glad to have met her, pretty much a life changer. Through her I met another best friend, they...kind of come as a set in my mind.
I've actually broke the ice with a lot of artists I admired a long time ago when I felt more confident and formed really amazing friendships! I'm a little more quiet now though sadly...

/ramble ramble ramble haha...

yeapyeap all of that. As for emoting over the internet I've kinda taken to writing out actions just because I need SOME way of conveying meanings.

Aaaah that's so great, I love finding friends through art ;_; I've made many friends over the years, though I kind of havea bit of a wandering personality and tend to end up becoming friendly without making anything I feel is a lasting connection...and then sometimes finding out I've accidentally hurt someone who felt more for me than I knew, but I didn't know ;_; aaaaah. Especially when the thing we had in common was an activity/theme, and we can't really interact outside of that context...gets kinda weird

rambling good

I approve of rambles

33rd comment, *feels like no room to get in on this conversation party* D:



I love your work mostly because of how you express your arts freely from yourself, where as my imagination factory is a exhausted water balloon of a fictional universe..... when I attempt to create on a surface... it comes out like gritty mudwater from rusted piping.



In other words, I look up to you on how you create arts, the talented artists with a tradiotional hand that do mostly clean work but are still sexually devious in their own way, be it small or large.. is attractive indeed.
I get art addictive, as if artists were alcoholz... when I see an artist I can relate to or someone I can adore for their skillsets.. I wanna watch em
>.-.>

*Understands what you mean in the journal, tries going to sleep*

Well, I guess the thing about my art is that it does come from myself, but it is pretty much the byproduct of me processing all that comes into me. Daily experiences, books, learning in general. I need a tremendous amount of input to keep my creativity going and if I let it stagnate inside me for too long, or build on itself excessively, it tends to go kinda sour.

Art addiction is my drug. Thankyou for the kind words eee ;3;

<3 your plenty welcome flowerbutt