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Talking About Myself (Contemplative Ramblings)
12 years ago
I find myself increasingly circling around telling my best friend about all this. Perhaps I should clarify a few things to make that make sense a little more.
Firstly, this particular best friend of mine is the one I do my talking to, that particular friend I call on for the times when I need to talk to someone about things. Accordingly, she knows pretty much everything about me; I lean on her fairly heavily when I have girl problems (she, in turn, generally relies on me as a good friend to get her out of the house periodically and interacting with people. She's deliberately avoiding having girl problems in order to focus on getting her masters in Holy Crap You're Smart). We both know about the internet - hell, we first really started talking after a university tutorial when we both admitted to having LiveJournals, and she admitted to using hers for fanfiction. So she could indeed take all of this without being at least actively shocked that it exists. But, that said, I can't quite figure out how to get the noises that make "I like furry stuff specifically this TF fetish thing" come out of my mouth.
There's no objective reason to tell her - she can live without the knowledge, and it's not like she'd consider it a betrayal not to tell her about some fetish I have. But, as some of you may know, I'm just about to up sticks on a fairly hefty trip, and included in that is going to AC in - geeze, just over a month. I want to be able to talk to her about that; to have some uninvolved marker back home I can discuss things with while I immerse myself in all of this, so that even as I lie back and let "werewolves with tits ahhhh!" wash over me I can still have that one line to pull on and ground me to, someone I can call back on and discuss things with from the outside, as necessary.
In a lot of ways, it doesn't really make sense. I'm supposed to be a pretty secretive guy (even if I'm not necessarily very good at being secretive, as I soon discovered approximately noone was fooled by my "use American spellings rather than British" trick given I freely admitted where I was from when even remotely asked). But I keep having serious urges to talk seriously about all of this to someone outside of it all, perhaps just as a check on things, only to run up against the very real thought of; dude, friends don't need to know what you boner over. She's not going to answer "oh my god, me too!" - she's reacted to the concept of furries in the past in the manner of "sure, I guess, but nope nope nope for seeing/thinking about it" - so the best case scenario is; what? She knows this about me, and then can never un-know it. She wouldn't disown me, but she could very well go "hey that's great now please let's never talk about that again." That doesn't seem like a very good deal.
And yet every time we hang out I really want to talk about it. I think it's because we talk about so much else; we literally spend hours just talking every time we meet up, and yet having this gaping hole of big things I'm doing that I can't even mention, I guess is getting to me.
I genuinely don't know which way I'm going to fall on this one. I guess I'm going to have to make the call sooner rather than later though, given I leave in a little over a week and a half. I know you all can't exactly say what to do given it's not like you know the both of us and our relationship, but still, I wanted to put this here for some reason. I'll let you know how it turns out, I guess.
Firstly, this particular best friend of mine is the one I do my talking to, that particular friend I call on for the times when I need to talk to someone about things. Accordingly, she knows pretty much everything about me; I lean on her fairly heavily when I have girl problems (she, in turn, generally relies on me as a good friend to get her out of the house periodically and interacting with people. She's deliberately avoiding having girl problems in order to focus on getting her masters in Holy Crap You're Smart). We both know about the internet - hell, we first really started talking after a university tutorial when we both admitted to having LiveJournals, and she admitted to using hers for fanfiction. So she could indeed take all of this without being at least actively shocked that it exists. But, that said, I can't quite figure out how to get the noises that make "I like furry stuff specifically this TF fetish thing" come out of my mouth.
There's no objective reason to tell her - she can live without the knowledge, and it's not like she'd consider it a betrayal not to tell her about some fetish I have. But, as some of you may know, I'm just about to up sticks on a fairly hefty trip, and included in that is going to AC in - geeze, just over a month. I want to be able to talk to her about that; to have some uninvolved marker back home I can discuss things with while I immerse myself in all of this, so that even as I lie back and let "werewolves with tits ahhhh!" wash over me I can still have that one line to pull on and ground me to, someone I can call back on and discuss things with from the outside, as necessary.
In a lot of ways, it doesn't really make sense. I'm supposed to be a pretty secretive guy (even if I'm not necessarily very good at being secretive, as I soon discovered approximately noone was fooled by my "use American spellings rather than British" trick given I freely admitted where I was from when even remotely asked). But I keep having serious urges to talk seriously about all of this to someone outside of it all, perhaps just as a check on things, only to run up against the very real thought of; dude, friends don't need to know what you boner over. She's not going to answer "oh my god, me too!" - she's reacted to the concept of furries in the past in the manner of "sure, I guess, but nope nope nope for seeing/thinking about it" - so the best case scenario is; what? She knows this about me, and then can never un-know it. She wouldn't disown me, but she could very well go "hey that's great now please let's never talk about that again." That doesn't seem like a very good deal.
And yet every time we hang out I really want to talk about it. I think it's because we talk about so much else; we literally spend hours just talking every time we meet up, and yet having this gaping hole of big things I'm doing that I can't even mention, I guess is getting to me.
I genuinely don't know which way I'm going to fall on this one. I guess I'm going to have to make the call sooner rather than later though, given I leave in a little over a week and a half. I know you all can't exactly say what to do given it's not like you know the both of us and our relationship, but still, I wanted to put this here for some reason. I'll let you know how it turns out, I guess.
She might think it's cool!
And, to be honest, I sincerely doubt she would! At best she might think it was good for me; letting myself do stuff I like and such, but I suspect thinking it's objectively cool wouldn't be too likely.
You're an excellent writer, so I think you could pull it off, and it might help others in that fandom (At least the non-creepy ones) in the fandom explain themselves better. And while I'm not in the fandom per-say, I do think it's reputation is worse than it deserves (Mostly thanks to the equation of the anthro fetish with bestiality which underlies most hatred of furries, which to my experience seems mostly not the case), and I'm all for increasing tolerance of other's weird fetishes.
Besides, It'd probably be nice to have someone in the "real" world to talk about your interests with, and writing would probably be the least awkward format to tell her in.
So, nice idea, but I feel like that's a level or two above what I'd want to shoot for. That said, I've figured I probably won't talk to her about it anyway - I think fetishes are probably something that's best not to just volunteer like that, even in this case where I'm going to attend a convention for them. So it might come up, but it won't be something I bring up deliberately.