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Some info and more i should have wrote A LONG time ago.
12 years ago
(OBS keep in mind that this text will be abit sloggy written and may have alot of errors in it)
Hai there.
As meny of you have probably noticed, there isnt much info about me on the web.I have thrown a blog here and there on ekas about myself, but i dont really feel that i have given enough info in depths of my personality and life. What im about to write will probably make you think abit different of me, than the one you thought i was, but to some, it will be very similar of what they have experienced.It is nothing new, that i draw NSFW stuff and livestreams too, but as you may have noticed, i do it very rarely, even when i sometimes tell someone that im going to draw something for them sometime.
I try to avoid making promisses, because i know myself well enough, that they are hard to keep because of my spontanious nature, this is in no way to be inrespectable of those i promissed to draw to, i just feel like doing whatever comes natural to me, everyday, what i want, when i want, if its possible.
I understand it have caused some .. trubble and confusion among some i know at least, but i have also tried to explain myself the best way i possibly can without assistance from anyone. I will reopen a description of myself, and open with my diagnosis, I have the asberger syndrome. It as formerly known to be a categori within the autism spectrum, but quickly became a more studied form of autism. Its a very wide spectrum, which differs from person to person, some persons, its easy to see, and others, not so much, and are firstly diagnosed in a later year, in my case, the age of 21. While some would think, that this would be bad news for me, i can sorta relate to what they mean, but in an honest view, i was so happy to recieve answer to my long lived question: Whats wrong with me? I had a great sense of relief, a burden lifted off my shoulders. At first, i was happy about it all, i could relax, but not a long time later, i was confused with the thought of "what now?"
Yes, at that time, i had problems accepting myself with the diagnosis, you might not believe it, but i were through a harsh depression a few months before i had my diagnoses, not after.
It all started at my job, i had just ended my 4 year education, and were hired as an industrial technician, one who works with CNC controlled machines to cut metal and whatso. I worked at a factory. During my apprentist periode, i worked hard, but oddly, i didnt find any reason, i just did. Most like a robot, and that was what i felt for a long time, i didnt feel depression, i didnt feel joy, i simply went. I were enlightened one day, and i began to look out at my homies at the work, i was repeating this thought in my head while i looked around: "what keeps em going? why do we do this?"
And day by day, it got worse, i found less and less meaning in what to do in general, to me, making money were .. a horrible reason to work.
I usually dreamt of working, just to get a smile, it was rare to me that time, to smile. I did simply not had the sense, of feeling rewarded, rewards ment nothing. One day, i chose not to leave the bed, i couldnt, i was frozen en the spot, i didnt want to take another step in that place i call my work, i made a very sudden quit and went into depression.
My deppresion were more sadness than anger, i were still harmless, and i wasnt feeling anger, or thoughts of rage towards the system or anything like that at all, i kept blaming myself, for being an outsider, and that pulled me deep down into a selfquestional abyss. I tore myself to be so insecure, i didnt know what i liked, i didnt know what to do, and i was afraid of everything. I lived home at my parents that time, and i still do today . They helped me abit, and we found a psychologist, but it seemed rather useless, sure, it helped for a few ours after the session, but it never gave any great answers, i couldnt focus or talk streight, its no wonder i couldnt get help if i didnt talk, and i was afraid to talk, because i didnt know what i was saying most of the time, i didnt know myself, so i didnt know the answers she questioned me. It ended after 14 sessions, with no forward step, and i got told, that she couldnt help me. It was a hard struck, but i kept visiting my docter, who i talk to regualy. He looked at me with inspecious eyes, and gave a sudden question: "Do you .. know what aspergers is?"
I was blank, i had never heard of the word, untill he said it. At first, i was just thinking: "yeah .. just label me something to make me feel my question is answered ..lie to me right .."
But as he told me more and more about it, i was .. not exited but, very curious, i wanted to know more about it, and that was a great feeling, just to have that thought of wanting to do something now, just that little rush, it was fantastic. I was curious, because in all that time, i felt alien in this world, i felt like everyone around me could relate somewhat to each others, but whenever i spoke, it ended up like some curled and twisted words only i could understand in my head.
However, the way my docter descripet it, it was so shocking, it was an exact description of how i was thinking and doing all the time, it was SO unreal.
He adviced me to go to a specialist, and see what he can say about me, and so i did.
I went to a specialist, who i should visit quite a few times before he made a final diagnosis, and it was positive, i had the aspergers syndrome.
During the next coupple of months, i felt, enlightened to know more about it, and see if, there are others than me, i arrived everytime i had a time at him, to learn more about it, and in the end, he asked if i wanted to visit a resolution center, where i can meet others as me, a place i can relate with others, and possibly, learn to cope with life in this state.
I agreed to the decision, but only just! i was terrified of the thought, i never meet people or talk or anything, i had a strong anxiety towards social life (a quite generic part of aspergers), but, he convinced me, that it was the best for me.
I met up, at the autismcenter, and saw all kinds of people there, they were all, so nice to me, a lightningstruck of happiness at first, but i shaked alot for the first 2 weeks, it was so terrifying. It may be abit hard for one to understadn the feeling.
I still have the social anxiety, but on a more controlled level now.
I never take downtown and drink with my friends, one reason is i dont drink, but mainly, the feeling of being surrounded by spontanious decision by my friends, ones i might not like, and not able to tell directly, it scares me deeply, so i avoid it, and i easily grew to dislike the city life.
One odd think about my sociality is, that i dont got problems buying stuff in the supermarket or watching a movie in the cinema or anything like that, not that i do it often, but i still do it sometimes. It has something to do with the focus of the people, we are all sitting in the room, focussing on the same thing, there is no thoughts tossing around about each others, there is something to do.
What i have a big problem is, mainly parties. Where people meet up and discuss what others have been doing, what others think about each other and what their social status are. This is the WORST case scenario for me, if i find myself in the middle of this, its hard to understand, but just tossing a thought about another, and share it, its terrifying in my head, my heart will skip fast and i continue to angst about what others thinks of me and the feeling of not knowing, makes it even more trubblish. I end up leaving very early, having problems to breath, i simply cannot stand it.
It have cause some problems with my irl mates, as they think its so odd, that a simply party request is declined by me, from time to time. They casually think that i dislike em and not want anything to do with em, and that is heartbreaking, because that is never my intention to show that.
I do what i can to maintain contact with em, through online connections, cellphone and games of all sorts and i even shared out my little diagnosis for them to understand. They respect my point of view, but they hardly understand it, because even though i do what i can, its easy to see, that they are having much much more fun, than with me, and i can't blame em for that.
This has led me to live my life a little different, a life that i have acturally accepted, and i was willing to live that life, for as long it would last. I wanted to live my life, as i like it most, yes, mostly, infront of a computer.
Sounds sad doesnt it? hah well, its much less sad if you think about it, or look at it from my perspective right?
My mind is just wired differently, most would find it needy to be social, but thats in no way my case, because social in general, means to have physical contact, face to face with another.
Meny around me, think that, the life i live, seems sad, and dont know how i can be happy with myself.
Well, it is very simple really, a great interrest, something to follow for a long time, and something that makes you smile all day, making you not think of anything bad? yes, that is my idea of total happiness.
In my vision, some means its love, others means its career, but for me? its just essencial to follow this simple interrest.
I ofcause talk about a very certain show, that you certainly can guess, based on my works.
My little pony.
To think a show can have such an impact on me? well, you were not the only one, but deep down, it just makes me happy all together, and thats whats most important, being happy. I see cringes here and there, because people doesnt believe i can be happy like that, but it is all, really true.
I wont go deep down in details about the show itself, but all i can say is, it is great, all together, the show, the fanbase, and the artworks.
It might not be different from other communities, but its the one I am part of.
Alot of time went by, and then, i felt empty, yes, with all that i just said, u would think it would be the perfect life for me? well, no it isnt.
I used alot of time philosophing, talking around with people as i arrived on FA and so, it was all great and fun.
... But also .. my old social flaws came to show again .. meny times over.
If you might read this, you might be one of the affected targets of my horrible social sence here.
I happened to show affection rather then kindness, people fell.. in love with me, for my kindness. I just said what i felt casual, because i dont want to make enamies at all, but it allways backfired. This is not the only issue i have, i have meny more problems with talking:
I have no sense of identiy, reading body langauge is a challenge for me, sometimes simple questions towards me feels like attacks.. this also goes the other way around, i think alot in my head, but when i talk, its like i have shipped 2 or 3 sentences, because i thought i told em, but in reality, i just thought em in my head.
There is so meny more issues with my speaking and communicating, and it had led to hate and decieving of me.
I stopped having my skype info on my profile page for awhile, because i didnt want to hurt anyone anymore, and this is here i felt empty, i felt like i shouldnt talk, i didnt want to talk, and then i felt, i had noone to share my interrests with.
I went into a short depression, but also one of the strongest ive ever had, i were desperate, i made a random decision, and sent a random message to a random person on fa, my time of silence was over.
To my luck, this individual was the most understanding and caring persons .. i could ever wish to talk to me. I wanted to talk so much with her that time, and i did, we spoke and spoke, we talked alot and we shared so much in common! it was so fantastic, but i also held back, i was so afraid of saying something odd, but thats not all that happended, i felt in love for the first time, real love. Again, this backfired horribly, it turned out that .. when i said something to my friends, it turned out to be, annoying or rather irritating to listen to, i soon only talked with her, i was crushed, suddenly, none to talk to, and i attached myself close to talk to her, i simply didnt want to lose her too, i was in stress, sadness and despair, i wanted to do abselutely everything for her, and that, turned out to be the worst decision in my life.
I didnt know what i did myself, before it was too late, i had turned into an unattractive shell, one with no personality, as those years back, i felt, unloved, and my love died quickly too, and it was all my fault. Soon, we only talked annoyingly to each other, and i had to end it, i couldnt stand anymore despair after losing all i had. During that time, i tried to explain my, friends how i were, and have a messege, somewhat like this journal, to make them understand me better.
I finally felt i had some friends again.
And this, is how my life is, this day today. I love to smile, i love to make friends, and sometimes .. i SEEM affectionate .. but please dont take it too personal.
This is who i am, i am happy, but i keep feeling, i live a curse each day, a challenge to overcome, which only becomes harder and harder, but one thing is for sure.
I have my interrests to keep me going, and im so sorry for anyone i have hurt, with the person i can turn out to be.
Sorry all.
Hai there.
As meny of you have probably noticed, there isnt much info about me on the web.I have thrown a blog here and there on ekas about myself, but i dont really feel that i have given enough info in depths of my personality and life. What im about to write will probably make you think abit different of me, than the one you thought i was, but to some, it will be very similar of what they have experienced.It is nothing new, that i draw NSFW stuff and livestreams too, but as you may have noticed, i do it very rarely, even when i sometimes tell someone that im going to draw something for them sometime.
I try to avoid making promisses, because i know myself well enough, that they are hard to keep because of my spontanious nature, this is in no way to be inrespectable of those i promissed to draw to, i just feel like doing whatever comes natural to me, everyday, what i want, when i want, if its possible.
I understand it have caused some .. trubble and confusion among some i know at least, but i have also tried to explain myself the best way i possibly can without assistance from anyone. I will reopen a description of myself, and open with my diagnosis, I have the asberger syndrome. It as formerly known to be a categori within the autism spectrum, but quickly became a more studied form of autism. Its a very wide spectrum, which differs from person to person, some persons, its easy to see, and others, not so much, and are firstly diagnosed in a later year, in my case, the age of 21. While some would think, that this would be bad news for me, i can sorta relate to what they mean, but in an honest view, i was so happy to recieve answer to my long lived question: Whats wrong with me? I had a great sense of relief, a burden lifted off my shoulders. At first, i was happy about it all, i could relax, but not a long time later, i was confused with the thought of "what now?"
Yes, at that time, i had problems accepting myself with the diagnosis, you might not believe it, but i were through a harsh depression a few months before i had my diagnoses, not after.
It all started at my job, i had just ended my 4 year education, and were hired as an industrial technician, one who works with CNC controlled machines to cut metal and whatso. I worked at a factory. During my apprentist periode, i worked hard, but oddly, i didnt find any reason, i just did. Most like a robot, and that was what i felt for a long time, i didnt feel depression, i didnt feel joy, i simply went. I were enlightened one day, and i began to look out at my homies at the work, i was repeating this thought in my head while i looked around: "what keeps em going? why do we do this?"
And day by day, it got worse, i found less and less meaning in what to do in general, to me, making money were .. a horrible reason to work.
I usually dreamt of working, just to get a smile, it was rare to me that time, to smile. I did simply not had the sense, of feeling rewarded, rewards ment nothing. One day, i chose not to leave the bed, i couldnt, i was frozen en the spot, i didnt want to take another step in that place i call my work, i made a very sudden quit and went into depression.
My deppresion were more sadness than anger, i were still harmless, and i wasnt feeling anger, or thoughts of rage towards the system or anything like that at all, i kept blaming myself, for being an outsider, and that pulled me deep down into a selfquestional abyss. I tore myself to be so insecure, i didnt know what i liked, i didnt know what to do, and i was afraid of everything. I lived home at my parents that time, and i still do today . They helped me abit, and we found a psychologist, but it seemed rather useless, sure, it helped for a few ours after the session, but it never gave any great answers, i couldnt focus or talk streight, its no wonder i couldnt get help if i didnt talk, and i was afraid to talk, because i didnt know what i was saying most of the time, i didnt know myself, so i didnt know the answers she questioned me. It ended after 14 sessions, with no forward step, and i got told, that she couldnt help me. It was a hard struck, but i kept visiting my docter, who i talk to regualy. He looked at me with inspecious eyes, and gave a sudden question: "Do you .. know what aspergers is?"
I was blank, i had never heard of the word, untill he said it. At first, i was just thinking: "yeah .. just label me something to make me feel my question is answered ..lie to me right .."
But as he told me more and more about it, i was .. not exited but, very curious, i wanted to know more about it, and that was a great feeling, just to have that thought of wanting to do something now, just that little rush, it was fantastic. I was curious, because in all that time, i felt alien in this world, i felt like everyone around me could relate somewhat to each others, but whenever i spoke, it ended up like some curled and twisted words only i could understand in my head.
However, the way my docter descripet it, it was so shocking, it was an exact description of how i was thinking and doing all the time, it was SO unreal.
He adviced me to go to a specialist, and see what he can say about me, and so i did.
I went to a specialist, who i should visit quite a few times before he made a final diagnosis, and it was positive, i had the aspergers syndrome.
During the next coupple of months, i felt, enlightened to know more about it, and see if, there are others than me, i arrived everytime i had a time at him, to learn more about it, and in the end, he asked if i wanted to visit a resolution center, where i can meet others as me, a place i can relate with others, and possibly, learn to cope with life in this state.
I agreed to the decision, but only just! i was terrified of the thought, i never meet people or talk or anything, i had a strong anxiety towards social life (a quite generic part of aspergers), but, he convinced me, that it was the best for me.
I met up, at the autismcenter, and saw all kinds of people there, they were all, so nice to me, a lightningstruck of happiness at first, but i shaked alot for the first 2 weeks, it was so terrifying. It may be abit hard for one to understadn the feeling.
I still have the social anxiety, but on a more controlled level now.
I never take downtown and drink with my friends, one reason is i dont drink, but mainly, the feeling of being surrounded by spontanious decision by my friends, ones i might not like, and not able to tell directly, it scares me deeply, so i avoid it, and i easily grew to dislike the city life.
One odd think about my sociality is, that i dont got problems buying stuff in the supermarket or watching a movie in the cinema or anything like that, not that i do it often, but i still do it sometimes. It has something to do with the focus of the people, we are all sitting in the room, focussing on the same thing, there is no thoughts tossing around about each others, there is something to do.
What i have a big problem is, mainly parties. Where people meet up and discuss what others have been doing, what others think about each other and what their social status are. This is the WORST case scenario for me, if i find myself in the middle of this, its hard to understand, but just tossing a thought about another, and share it, its terrifying in my head, my heart will skip fast and i continue to angst about what others thinks of me and the feeling of not knowing, makes it even more trubblish. I end up leaving very early, having problems to breath, i simply cannot stand it.
It have cause some problems with my irl mates, as they think its so odd, that a simply party request is declined by me, from time to time. They casually think that i dislike em and not want anything to do with em, and that is heartbreaking, because that is never my intention to show that.
I do what i can to maintain contact with em, through online connections, cellphone and games of all sorts and i even shared out my little diagnosis for them to understand. They respect my point of view, but they hardly understand it, because even though i do what i can, its easy to see, that they are having much much more fun, than with me, and i can't blame em for that.
This has led me to live my life a little different, a life that i have acturally accepted, and i was willing to live that life, for as long it would last. I wanted to live my life, as i like it most, yes, mostly, infront of a computer.
Sounds sad doesnt it? hah well, its much less sad if you think about it, or look at it from my perspective right?
My mind is just wired differently, most would find it needy to be social, but thats in no way my case, because social in general, means to have physical contact, face to face with another.
Meny around me, think that, the life i live, seems sad, and dont know how i can be happy with myself.
Well, it is very simple really, a great interrest, something to follow for a long time, and something that makes you smile all day, making you not think of anything bad? yes, that is my idea of total happiness.
In my vision, some means its love, others means its career, but for me? its just essencial to follow this simple interrest.
I ofcause talk about a very certain show, that you certainly can guess, based on my works.
My little pony.
To think a show can have such an impact on me? well, you were not the only one, but deep down, it just makes me happy all together, and thats whats most important, being happy. I see cringes here and there, because people doesnt believe i can be happy like that, but it is all, really true.
I wont go deep down in details about the show itself, but all i can say is, it is great, all together, the show, the fanbase, and the artworks.
It might not be different from other communities, but its the one I am part of.
Alot of time went by, and then, i felt empty, yes, with all that i just said, u would think it would be the perfect life for me? well, no it isnt.
I used alot of time philosophing, talking around with people as i arrived on FA and so, it was all great and fun.
... But also .. my old social flaws came to show again .. meny times over.
If you might read this, you might be one of the affected targets of my horrible social sence here.
I happened to show affection rather then kindness, people fell.. in love with me, for my kindness. I just said what i felt casual, because i dont want to make enamies at all, but it allways backfired. This is not the only issue i have, i have meny more problems with talking:
I have no sense of identiy, reading body langauge is a challenge for me, sometimes simple questions towards me feels like attacks.. this also goes the other way around, i think alot in my head, but when i talk, its like i have shipped 2 or 3 sentences, because i thought i told em, but in reality, i just thought em in my head.
There is so meny more issues with my speaking and communicating, and it had led to hate and decieving of me.
I stopped having my skype info on my profile page for awhile, because i didnt want to hurt anyone anymore, and this is here i felt empty, i felt like i shouldnt talk, i didnt want to talk, and then i felt, i had noone to share my interrests with.
I went into a short depression, but also one of the strongest ive ever had, i were desperate, i made a random decision, and sent a random message to a random person on fa, my time of silence was over.
To my luck, this individual was the most understanding and caring persons .. i could ever wish to talk to me. I wanted to talk so much with her that time, and i did, we spoke and spoke, we talked alot and we shared so much in common! it was so fantastic, but i also held back, i was so afraid of saying something odd, but thats not all that happended, i felt in love for the first time, real love. Again, this backfired horribly, it turned out that .. when i said something to my friends, it turned out to be, annoying or rather irritating to listen to, i soon only talked with her, i was crushed, suddenly, none to talk to, and i attached myself close to talk to her, i simply didnt want to lose her too, i was in stress, sadness and despair, i wanted to do abselutely everything for her, and that, turned out to be the worst decision in my life.
I didnt know what i did myself, before it was too late, i had turned into an unattractive shell, one with no personality, as those years back, i felt, unloved, and my love died quickly too, and it was all my fault. Soon, we only talked annoyingly to each other, and i had to end it, i couldnt stand anymore despair after losing all i had. During that time, i tried to explain my, friends how i were, and have a messege, somewhat like this journal, to make them understand me better.
I finally felt i had some friends again.
And this, is how my life is, this day today. I love to smile, i love to make friends, and sometimes .. i SEEM affectionate .. but please dont take it too personal.
This is who i am, i am happy, but i keep feeling, i live a curse each day, a challenge to overcome, which only becomes harder and harder, but one thing is for sure.
I have my interrests to keep me going, and im so sorry for anyone i have hurt, with the person i can turn out to be.
Sorry all.
But I too live with Asperger syndrome, I was diagnosed at a very young thankfully, so I've had time to grow into my "Problem" and get used to it while knowing what it was, but I know all too well what you mean in this journal.
Try and keep your chin up and remember that there are others out there that have the very same problems that you do.
I can relate to your social anxiety issues ^^; I absolutely hate crowded areas, less I risk having a panic attack.
I am also very bad at making friends in general, and not because I don't want to, but usually because I'm scared to try.
Thanks for sharing all of that, it was very insightful :3
Couldn't have been easy for you.
Anyway, much love to ya buddy. If you're interested in making a new friend, I'd be willing to be there for ya if possible.
Anyway*sigh*.....*hugs* I know that feel bro. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at age six. I have trouble with understanding other peoples body language and normally I'm not very social. Up until two years ago I only had like four or five friends, and I was never close with any of them. I just hated to interact with people. I stated to fall in to a depression as well, not a suicidal one at all, I just felt depressed.(course this was also caused by me coming out of the closet to my mom and she basically said that I didn't know what I was talking about but that's another story) I'm still kind of terrified of interacting with people I don't know.
Luckily there was something that got me out of my depression, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, or in actuality, its fandom. Bronies surprised me to no end with how they had taken the show's message of making friends to heart. I got drawn into the fandom more and more reading my fanfiction, and finding Fallout Equestria(It all went by like a blur from there). Through it all, my depression got better, even going away all together. Over that summer, I read some fan fics with M/M shipping i them, I had discovered the bronies small gay community, and finally accepted my sexuality. I found that I enjoyed clop and accepted that, along with coming to terms with my macrophilia. I felt closer with the two friends of mine who were bronies before me, and made a lot more close friends. I still not really very social, but now i am enough I don't hate myself for it.
But the day that I still call the best day of my life was when I went to a convention. I managed to talk to so many people. I shook Poni1Kenobi's hand(which led to much fanboy squealing), and even acted out and episode with fan VAs. I finally came out of my shell completely that day. The brony fandom means so much to me because of how it's helped me.
Just know that your not alone. And if you need somepony to relate with, I've come to realize that a certain new princess in the show may be actually be autistic herself.