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Fallen
12 years ago
General
For those I haven't told, on April 16th I lost my uncle to suicide. Someone have left me a message simply saying "I'm sorry for your loss" and I had no idea who or how many that meant, it kept me up most of the night and I finally found out the next morning.
Even if I wasn't there to witness and never saw his body, it makes me feel like I failed him somehow. I've never lost someone to suicide before and it's different than losing them to, for example, death by old age. I miss him. but I also feel something akin to guilt. Did we not talk enough? Was everyone's love not enough to pull him through his struggles? I still haven't heard what was on his suicide note, my only clue being that his health problems were possibly worsening.
He was part of the small collection of the friends and family who didn't react with ignorance, hostility, or coldness in my transitioning. Long before I even came out, he was always standing up to my mother about her anti-glbt attitude. When I was younger he and I had a lot of fun together. We loved goofing around, playing video games, going around doing all sorts of stuff. He was a big fan of wrestling, video games and karaoke parties. Over the last few years he came by a lot less often, which was saddening, but now I see it could have been due to depression or health issues. I got to see him before my move which I'm now very grateful for. Unlike some others I've lost recently, at-least I was able to be true and genuine with him in our last days together.
His memorial is coming up soon so I will be returning to my hometown for it. This is both exciting and frightening for me. My immediate family claims to have improved but I won't know for sure until I see how they act in person. When I first moved away I suffered a lot of loneliness and depression, especially missing my little sister, who appeared in my dreams every night for several months. Even when before my move, many people were ignorant and disrespectful to my wishes for acceptance. I fear for confrontations and ostracization, and have thankfully secured a safe place to stay if anything goes wrong. I've still got a long way to go in my transition but I am told I'm more confident now, and it's a huge relief to have accurate identification on most of my legal papers now, too. My birthday went by recently, as well, while i was initially very lonely on the day, things got better when i got a card from my friends daughter and my family took me out to dinner. we had a really nice time. This upcoming trip should be an interesting adventure.
Even if I wasn't there to witness and never saw his body, it makes me feel like I failed him somehow. I've never lost someone to suicide before and it's different than losing them to, for example, death by old age. I miss him. but I also feel something akin to guilt. Did we not talk enough? Was everyone's love not enough to pull him through his struggles? I still haven't heard what was on his suicide note, my only clue being that his health problems were possibly worsening.
He was part of the small collection of the friends and family who didn't react with ignorance, hostility, or coldness in my transitioning. Long before I even came out, he was always standing up to my mother about her anti-glbt attitude. When I was younger he and I had a lot of fun together. We loved goofing around, playing video games, going around doing all sorts of stuff. He was a big fan of wrestling, video games and karaoke parties. Over the last few years he came by a lot less often, which was saddening, but now I see it could have been due to depression or health issues. I got to see him before my move which I'm now very grateful for. Unlike some others I've lost recently, at-least I was able to be true and genuine with him in our last days together.
His memorial is coming up soon so I will be returning to my hometown for it. This is both exciting and frightening for me. My immediate family claims to have improved but I won't know for sure until I see how they act in person. When I first moved away I suffered a lot of loneliness and depression, especially missing my little sister, who appeared in my dreams every night for several months. Even when before my move, many people were ignorant and disrespectful to my wishes for acceptance. I fear for confrontations and ostracization, and have thankfully secured a safe place to stay if anything goes wrong. I've still got a long way to go in my transition but I am told I'm more confident now, and it's a huge relief to have accurate identification on most of my legal papers now, too. My birthday went by recently, as well, while i was initially very lonely on the day, things got better when i got a card from my friends daughter and my family took me out to dinner. we had a really nice time. This upcoming trip should be an interesting adventure.
parents...well...they're trying. I'm policing myself to ditch my horrid old habit of complaining about people behind their back. Hurt someone very special doing that and I've been trying to reconcile with people, including my parents. I know pretty much every teenager does that to their parents, but it's not ok.
To be fair, they could have reacted to me better, but they are raised in the same sexist, homophobic, transphobic rubbish as almost every one else is, so...it takes time, healing, education. Poor mom has such bad anxiety, so there is that too.
Also, sorry I don't get in touch enough. How are things with you? Tae and mom doing ok? how are all the little critters doing?
I still hope I get to visit sometime. I just hope it wouldn't be awkward.