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Guess it's time for another deep thought journal
12 years ago
General
So first off, Happy Fathers Day to anyone out there, if you don't have one or anything like that, i give you all my hugs and such, because i care.
So, to the point of this journal. Um, I spent some time with my dad today, and we were talking about what would happen in my future. What kind of accomplishments would I achieve and all that stuff. And something, kinda hit me hard.....I....kinda don't know, what I want in my life. I mean the past two years, has been the same routine for me. Find a job, lose it within months, find another one, lose it within months, so on and so on. With family, visit mom and dad, have them talk about my relatives and how they're struggling with each other and fighting and such. With friends, well, I still keep in touch and we hang out, and on here....well.....I'm not sure anymore.
Ever since I joined FA, the main goal on here, was try to make as much friends as I can, to be the best I can be to people, to respect them with kindness and care for them. And over the years, I made so many amazing friends, being able to skype with a good amount of them, hang with them, chat, and......be important....to someone. I guess nowadays, I kinda notice that....I dunno, I might of overstayed my welcome sometimes. I understand that they have hectic schedules and such, and I'm okay with that, I respect them for that. But a lot of times, I get quite a few folks, who when i try to talk to.....they just kinda....rudely throw me off. Not sure if they were just having a bad day or whatever, but it just seems to happen with me often.
However, the main reason why I wrote this journal, is.....well.....my purpose on FA really. Cause to be honest.....I don't know.....what my purpose is really. I mean, I met so many people and such, and they got to do so many awesome stuff together. But sometimes......I kinda feel, that I don't, really have a.....I guess you can say, "group". Like I'm one who can just, come into a group and kinda fit in, for the most part. But for one that says "Hey, you belong here, we like you here" and such, I'm not.....sure I have one.....to be honest. I mean I want to believe I do, but.....I dunno, I kinda second guess myself sometimes.
And there's a part of me, that really is scared to think of the day where......I just, give up here. Cause, I always dreamed of having a family, marry someone, have a kid or two, and spend the rest of my life with them. But I know, if I do this....I'm gonna have to leave all this behind. My friends, my FA family (kinda weird saying now that I think about it).....everyone. And I know, if I do, a good majority of me is gonna be torn apart, cause all the people I meet on here is a part of me (yes, even to those who do not like me).
There's a part of me that says "If you go, it won't be a big lost to the community really. I mean, you weren't even a furry to begin with, it'll like nothing happened." But another says "You do this, and you will not only hurt yourself, but everyone else you met on here."
I mean.....I really don't know, what exactly, the right thing is for me anymore. Do I matter?.....i mean.....to anyone? Like, if I left, for, whatever reason.....would anyone notice?.....i dunno....Sometimes I feel like some UPS guy dropped me off cause I don't really belong....or something
Anyways, if this causes drama, I sincerely apologize and will be more than happy to take this down.....I just wanted to get it off my chest since I feel like I can't personally tell anyone.
So, to the point of this journal. Um, I spent some time with my dad today, and we were talking about what would happen in my future. What kind of accomplishments would I achieve and all that stuff. And something, kinda hit me hard.....I....kinda don't know, what I want in my life. I mean the past two years, has been the same routine for me. Find a job, lose it within months, find another one, lose it within months, so on and so on. With family, visit mom and dad, have them talk about my relatives and how they're struggling with each other and fighting and such. With friends, well, I still keep in touch and we hang out, and on here....well.....I'm not sure anymore.
Ever since I joined FA, the main goal on here, was try to make as much friends as I can, to be the best I can be to people, to respect them with kindness and care for them. And over the years, I made so many amazing friends, being able to skype with a good amount of them, hang with them, chat, and......be important....to someone. I guess nowadays, I kinda notice that....I dunno, I might of overstayed my welcome sometimes. I understand that they have hectic schedules and such, and I'm okay with that, I respect them for that. But a lot of times, I get quite a few folks, who when i try to talk to.....they just kinda....rudely throw me off. Not sure if they were just having a bad day or whatever, but it just seems to happen with me often.
However, the main reason why I wrote this journal, is.....well.....my purpose on FA really. Cause to be honest.....I don't know.....what my purpose is really. I mean, I met so many people and such, and they got to do so many awesome stuff together. But sometimes......I kinda feel, that I don't, really have a.....I guess you can say, "group". Like I'm one who can just, come into a group and kinda fit in, for the most part. But for one that says "Hey, you belong here, we like you here" and such, I'm not.....sure I have one.....to be honest. I mean I want to believe I do, but.....I dunno, I kinda second guess myself sometimes.
And there's a part of me, that really is scared to think of the day where......I just, give up here. Cause, I always dreamed of having a family, marry someone, have a kid or two, and spend the rest of my life with them. But I know, if I do this....I'm gonna have to leave all this behind. My friends, my FA family (kinda weird saying now that I think about it).....everyone. And I know, if I do, a good majority of me is gonna be torn apart, cause all the people I meet on here is a part of me (yes, even to those who do not like me).
There's a part of me that says "If you go, it won't be a big lost to the community really. I mean, you weren't even a furry to begin with, it'll like nothing happened." But another says "You do this, and you will not only hurt yourself, but everyone else you met on here."
I mean.....I really don't know, what exactly, the right thing is for me anymore. Do I matter?.....i mean.....to anyone? Like, if I left, for, whatever reason.....would anyone notice?.....i dunno....Sometimes I feel like some UPS guy dropped me off cause I don't really belong....or something
Anyways, if this causes drama, I sincerely apologize and will be more than happy to take this down.....I just wanted to get it off my chest since I feel like I can't personally tell anyone.
But, in the end, its your choice we all just either whine about it or respect it and let you move on. Let bygones be bygones, i suppose.
At least know this; you are important to a lot of us. You've made it clear that you want to be with friends, people you love and people you can love you back for it. While its not my job to speak for all of us, but I think you did make an impact in our lives, big and small. And when its time to move on we just have to move on. As much as we want to stay and enjoy a bit longer, one way or another, you just have to leave us behind. For better or worse.
But, ... you know, at least respect our memories and remember us <:3 Mew~
There, proper account :3
Also, I just met you. Think not having a group is making you a wanderer and a free man, you can move from places and talk to everyone! While I have no defined group I belong to, I have an group of IRL friends, but when I talked less to them it all broke appart. Groups are nice sometimes, but freedom of choice and real friends is what matters most! 0w0