been a long time and a lot of shit has gone down in my llife i finaly going to school job is ok socialy im doing good but for some resone im just not happy or even content far from im feel fucking empty and i cant put my finger on it it like an itch in the back of my head and its drivimg me ape shit. its like im just watching the world go by from my own skin tether to astake and forced to impotence as i snap at all the things that i have know control of while on the outside i put on my mask every day and go through the movments of pleasentrys with people i dont like laughing at jokes that arnt funny and fanning concern for people i dont care about while at the same time feeling so helpless to help those i do care about to the point that id tear my own arm off and beat my self seansless if i thought that for one moment it wounld bring a smile to there face or a chuckl even if its becouse of a specticle as pervers as some one pulling there own arm off and beating them self with it, im sick of not being in control of my own life im sick of being looked down on by those that desrver tobe looked down on and im sick of watching the events of the worled go by see the patern thats being put forth and aside from yelling in the midle of the streets being powerles to stop it.

ijust dont know who i am any more . am i the careing person that wants to put a smile on the world am i the im personal creature that dosent care for any body but my self or am i the mad beast that claws up my in sides trying to get out and lash at ever one around me un til the red mist finaly lifts and hates the othe to for making things so complicated and its at times that i wonder why i dont just put my self into a dire situation let all the hate rage lose against my atacers as i bite kick claw puch and gouge ny to the enevitable where i find my self exoasted and breathing my last but bein able to smile at the fact that against every thing the world through at me no mater how hard ot tried to contole me i died as i chose and its is by my will alone that brought me here so that i go while im still strong and still potent enough to spit in the worlds eye in stead of dying in an in dignant way lying in my death bed an old man haing tobe help with even the smallest of tasks like tacking a piss but i wonder if it would not be a fitting punishment that this is to be my life and i shall go in to anominity to be for got as jus some old relative he did nothing important in his life. so as i sit here he beast finaly quiting down and falling dormant again the taste of coper in my mouth and the burn behind my eyes the only sign of its passing im left to think should i walk the path of humanity with its macivelience and greed or should i take the road of the unburdend beast and live by insincts will alone.

or perhaos there is anouther way and i can finaly find harmony between the two.


well thats it for tonight thanks for leting me rant [pou ryou all a shot of scotch for your trobele]

promis ill put somthing down with a sunnyer disposition next time well till then sweet dreams

SKOLL