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Hmmmmmmmm do I or dont I
12 years ago
General
Sort of pondering atm if I should just vent my inner most thoughts and feelings into a journal atm.
It may help me, usually does all day ive felt like I was going to explode and cry at someone, left an hour early and now im back home cuddled up next to my raccoon plush with my lava lamp on and just enjoying the smell of some olbas oil as im a bit stuffy.
I get like this sometimes quite a lot actually, im just such a complicated person. I get upset when I shouldnt or rather it takes only slight things to upset me most times. In truth, I would love to meet someone. Someone who I can love and be loved back, it seems to never happen for some reason or another, now I dont blame anyone here I just need to get this out of my head. If anything I blame my own stupid emotions, im too sensitive no one really understands how much I dont think but well I feel like I experience the world 10x more intense then most other people. I dont know if its good or bad anymore.
Its funny im saying all this, I dont know why I am and im sort of picturing a scene from dr who again atm while saying this lol. I guess it was a good scene where the doctor pours his heart out too.
Honestly ive been though a lot, ive had lots of events in my life some amazing some aweful. Even nearly died once falling into a quarry, thankfully one of the older kids grabbed my arm as I was slipping in.
Ive had emotional times with my parents divorce that was hard but now its not so bad I guess time heals all wounds but I do remember the shouting and im glad they split up as I may not have the relationship with them I do now.
I honestly miss high school, college and uni. All were awesome in their own special way, especially college watching episodes of house and smallville and lost in our hours between lessons. To the crazy experiments in chemestry so many funny moments there.
The me back then was different though, I got depressed a lot still do sometimes I feel like I am always skirting the edges but some days im so giddy im bouncing off the walls. I guess we all have our off days mine seem to cripple me though and I need quiet and solitude in my room to cope seems to help somehow. Maybe the world is too busy for me, I know im always on edge outside in town and city centres, but if im in a park or something its like all my cares wash away.
Ive even been through some crazy things recently, like it caused me immense heart ache and I couldnt cope at work or anything. It was nothing to do with me really but a friend I met. You see they had two personalities, one male and one female and they wanted the female in control all the time. I came to really love the male personality as I tend to with most of my friends but this sort of broke any control I had on my emotions which I used to repress so not good. But anyway I broke down crying about what they wanted, I saw it like dying as when one was in control the other was asleep and I just couldnt understand who would want that. I did also love the female personality of my friend but she saw herself as totally seperate and an individual person in her own right. She wasent nasty she was lovely to me and helped me most times but still I went though greiving and constant fear if I had lost my friend. That was a few months ago now and well they are one personality which im really happy about I can see both when they talk to me and its lovely.
That trauma broke me and who I was hoenstly, I feel like a new person im so different than I used to be. I never before liked writing or drawing that much tbh. I love new music and new things like cooking and baking. It seems the old me broke and im the new me from the pieces. Honestly im happier now than before I feel so much more alive. I just have a lot of emotional ups and downs it seems lol.
But I have been through a lot and I seem to have a lot on my mind tonight and I just need to post all this as I need to let it out and not bottle it up.
Life to me is fun and hard and depressing all at the same time. Oh lol this was meant to be a quick post asking if I should post this but apparently my subconcious wants me to. I guess I want to find that special someone, I have for a long time. I just want to show how much love I have to give but it seems I fall down everytime and I dont know what to do any more. 'sigh'
Thanks for reading if anyone actually reads this wall of text. I think ill go sleep for a bit. *cuddles up to his raccoon*
Danny
It may help me, usually does all day ive felt like I was going to explode and cry at someone, left an hour early and now im back home cuddled up next to my raccoon plush with my lava lamp on and just enjoying the smell of some olbas oil as im a bit stuffy.
I get like this sometimes quite a lot actually, im just such a complicated person. I get upset when I shouldnt or rather it takes only slight things to upset me most times. In truth, I would love to meet someone. Someone who I can love and be loved back, it seems to never happen for some reason or another, now I dont blame anyone here I just need to get this out of my head. If anything I blame my own stupid emotions, im too sensitive no one really understands how much I dont think but well I feel like I experience the world 10x more intense then most other people. I dont know if its good or bad anymore.
Its funny im saying all this, I dont know why I am and im sort of picturing a scene from dr who again atm while saying this lol. I guess it was a good scene where the doctor pours his heart out too.
Honestly ive been though a lot, ive had lots of events in my life some amazing some aweful. Even nearly died once falling into a quarry, thankfully one of the older kids grabbed my arm as I was slipping in.
Ive had emotional times with my parents divorce that was hard but now its not so bad I guess time heals all wounds but I do remember the shouting and im glad they split up as I may not have the relationship with them I do now.
I honestly miss high school, college and uni. All were awesome in their own special way, especially college watching episodes of house and smallville and lost in our hours between lessons. To the crazy experiments in chemestry so many funny moments there.
The me back then was different though, I got depressed a lot still do sometimes I feel like I am always skirting the edges but some days im so giddy im bouncing off the walls. I guess we all have our off days mine seem to cripple me though and I need quiet and solitude in my room to cope seems to help somehow. Maybe the world is too busy for me, I know im always on edge outside in town and city centres, but if im in a park or something its like all my cares wash away.
Ive even been through some crazy things recently, like it caused me immense heart ache and I couldnt cope at work or anything. It was nothing to do with me really but a friend I met. You see they had two personalities, one male and one female and they wanted the female in control all the time. I came to really love the male personality as I tend to with most of my friends but this sort of broke any control I had on my emotions which I used to repress so not good. But anyway I broke down crying about what they wanted, I saw it like dying as when one was in control the other was asleep and I just couldnt understand who would want that. I did also love the female personality of my friend but she saw herself as totally seperate and an individual person in her own right. She wasent nasty she was lovely to me and helped me most times but still I went though greiving and constant fear if I had lost my friend. That was a few months ago now and well they are one personality which im really happy about I can see both when they talk to me and its lovely.
That trauma broke me and who I was hoenstly, I feel like a new person im so different than I used to be. I never before liked writing or drawing that much tbh. I love new music and new things like cooking and baking. It seems the old me broke and im the new me from the pieces. Honestly im happier now than before I feel so much more alive. I just have a lot of emotional ups and downs it seems lol.
But I have been through a lot and I seem to have a lot on my mind tonight and I just need to post all this as I need to let it out and not bottle it up.
Life to me is fun and hard and depressing all at the same time. Oh lol this was meant to be a quick post asking if I should post this but apparently my subconcious wants me to. I guess I want to find that special someone, I have for a long time. I just want to show how much love I have to give but it seems I fall down everytime and I dont know what to do any more. 'sigh'
Thanks for reading if anyone actually reads this wall of text. I think ill go sleep for a bit. *cuddles up to his raccoon*
Danny
I do have one more thing to say and it might just sound like bullshit to you, but try to cherish your emotions, even the bad. You do not want to go through enough shit to block out your feelings, it makes life dull and it's damned hard to "get better" from that, you at least have something to work with, so look at the bright side :)
I do understand where your coming from :) I did try that before blocking stuff out and it wasent good for me. Probably why I post emotional journals every so often I need to let it all out.
Its mainly to save be exploding at someone and I can just vent at the world lol.
It would be nice if your willing to listen though, but tonight im just not doing much, I need to sleep more I think. I have a bit of a headache now actually for some reason. Im just looking forward to weekend so much right now.