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one vent post to rule them all, a life's journey
12 years ago
General
ok, so, here we go. There is a lot fucking wrong with this country and I just seemed to have gotten a lot of the short ends of the stick in life. I had a extraordinarily bad day at my incredibly shitty job and that is what sparked this post. Before I get into what my job gets away with because of this bullshit country I need to fill in some details about my life. warning this is about to get really depressing and VERY personal.
Basically this all starts many years ago, when I still spoke to my biological father. My parents were divorced at a very young age but that I took pretty well. What I didn’t take very well was all the counseling. I was labeled as ADHD and a possible trouble student shortly after my parents divorce. After my father left the picture for the time being our house was forclosed and all our stuff reposessed. Me, my autistic little brother, and my other even younger brother (presented male at the time now presents female) were out of a home so we had to move into a single room, all four of us, in my grandparents house. Enter, father is back in the picture now fighting for full custody of me and my siblings.
Now here is where everything starts going down hill. I wasn’t adapting to the new environment well so I often ran off and hid somewhere crying. I got teased mercilessly for it and so this began a trend that would continue my entire schooling. I was put into all lower grade level classes and daily had to see the school counselor and a psychiatrist weekly. This happened because they felt that I was at risk because I was crying so often and pretty much down all the time.
skipping along to grade 5. The school feels like I am not paying attention well so they recommend I see a doctor to see If I have ADHD. So I was prescribed adderall. This single pill would put me in a really bad condition. but more on that later on. During grade 5 is when my Father became increasingly more physically violent in addition to verbal abuse. Due to a court order me and my siblings were forced to spend weekends with the man. He starved us, worked us like dogs, neglected us, and beat us constantly. Often we weren’t even allowed to eat until we finished the work assigned for us and more often then not it was more than we could handle in one day so we resorted to eating his food scraps from the garbage. My mother now working overnights as a police dispatch tried to put an end to this but we just didn’t have the resources because my father put us into $200,000 of debt.
moving onto eighth grade now. Because of how the school system chose to handle me I was now in special classes due to how far behind my peers I was. With adderall still in my system I was dangerously under weight. The medicine suppressed my appetite so much that I only ate once ever day or two. I was 15 and only weighed 70 pounds. The school system noticed and recommended I see a nutricionist. Due to the lack of food up to this time my body developed an eating disorder of sorts. Since I wasn’t exposed to many types of food textures growing up a lot of foods made me gag the second they entered my mouth so I just couldn’t eat.
at this point I was still under the grip of incredibly religious side of my family as well. It was so bad that at this point I couldn’t think for myself at all. I only did as I was told. This I learned from my abusive father and the church I had attended at the time. To stray from the church would be straying from my family and that’s all I have going for me because I virtually had no friends due to an ongoing undiagnosed depression and anxiety disorder that made me act in a manner that made people not want to approach me and often make fun of me.
A few months later my mother meets someone and eventually me and my siblings move out with my mother into his place. 6 months pass living here while during this time my father keeps twisting my mind to try and blame my mother for why I am so unhappy and that I should live with him because if I didn’t he and my stepsisters (he remarried at a point) would end up on the streets. so he had me write a letter to the court which he basically wrote, he spoke to me and I wrote it down and gave it to the court which caused a lot more drama but nothing came of it.
August rolls around and we all move into a slightly larger place and I am ready to start high school. THIS is where my issues with this country and the Ideals it spreads starts. Due to my eating disorder My puberty was delayed until freshman year of high school. With puberty came a lot of things I didn’t like. One being I realized that I was trans* but at this current time I didn’t know how to put the feelings together. As an unforeseen result of me gaining weight I gained way too much. Shortly after the weight gain I was taken off adderall which caused me to develop anoerexia. So I now only ate every 3 days and it was usually something incredibly small. Now that I got to high school, no one paid attention to me. It seems as if I became invisible. So my anxiety disorders and Depression begin to go unchecked.
April comes around and I get my first job. It’s a cashier job at a chain from the area. It paid $7.25 an hour so I was happy to finally have an income. Unfortunately some months later my father shows up and demands I leave the job because I wasn’t spending enough time with him (landscape work for him so he could make money) He screams at my manager and drags me off. Once inside the car he grabs me by the collar and smashes my head against the car window. He yells at me to stop crying and just focus on the work I am going to have to do for him. That is how I lost my first job.
Sophomore year. I’ve made a few friends now and things start to look up for me. I find a job as a lifeguard that pays $8.00 an hour and was pretty happy with that even though I dealt with 3,000 people daily. This is also the year I came out as gay (wasn’t sure at this point still the feelings I was dealing with inside) I was surprised with how well the family took it, not much had changed. same old bullshit with my parents always fighting putting me in the middle goes on but this year is the year I drop contact with my father completely seeing as I was 16 and no longer had to legally see him.
November, Junior year. This year Is where shit gets bad, really really bad. It starts off with me having to leave my job due to threats from other life guards. I brought it to HR’s attention but they did nothing so I had to leave or risk my well being. This is the first death threat I had received this year. I had come to the realization that I was trans* this year as well so I was dealing with that too and at this point decided transitioning while living with family is way too dangerous for me. So I decided to try and ignore it. For whatever reason a few months later my depression and anxiety kicked into full gear but I will go into that next paragraph. I had now become an athiest and came out to my first friend that I was trans*, it didn’t end well. They ended up telling me that I was incapable of knowing that, that I was wasting my body and that being transgender is disgusting and vile.
I was able to get hooked up with a pizza delivery job shortly after that. It was $4.25 an hour plus tips so I usually averaged out a bit under minimum wage in income. A few months into this job and suddenly I experienced a complete mental breakdown. I absolutely lost it and had almost completely lost my grip on sanity, during this time I did something I thought I wasn’t capable of doing. I drank a few shots of vodka and walked into traffic in the middle of the night. I walked across all 8 lanes and nothing hit me.
I returned home, having failed on what the only thing my mind had itself set to I got to my room and noticed my knife. I, completely drunk and mental state somewhere distant I took it to my arm and leg. This is something that happened off and on for the next few months. I awoke sobbing in my closet, parents thinking I am making this all up I tell them what happened. I was checked into the hospital so they could monitor me to see if I got any worse. I was locked in an all white room that was silent except for the screams of the people just a few rooms down from me. This was truly one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. I was released and over the next few days regained my composure and was able to function once again. sadly, due to this I had lost my job because it happened when I was scheduled for a shift.
Months later after countless psych evaluations It was found that I had manic depression, a few anxiety disorders, and possibly bipolar. I went on countless meds and saw countless doctors and now one had it right for me so I stopped it all. I tried to focus on myself and making myself happy and taking care of my mental state.
Senior year, nothing much happens here except that during my electronics tech class while the teacher was out I had to baracade myself in a closet to avoid being stabbed by two other students. I didn’t report them out of fear of more violence. Luckily no further violence stemmed from the two. The year ends, I graduate, and I decide that I will transition as soon as I can.
Here is life after high school. I enroll in a community college and I get a job at a joann fabric and craft.This is the job that sets the tone for every other job I will have. Shit pay and shit treatment. My job was to cut fabric, run the register, receive shipments of stock which was always either one or two full 18 wheelers and it was only me and one other person unloading, stocking until 3 am and then opening the following day, customer service, and cart duty. This job only paid me $7.45 an hr but I had learned that everyone else from my group that was hired got paid a dollar more than me. January comes along and I was promised to be on staff still seeing as I was hired seasonal. They let me go, so once again I was unemployed.
Nothing happens for a while, I have another breakdown but nowhere near as bad, see a few more psychiatrists, be on a few new meds off and on but nothing major until I turned 20. I decided this was the year I will start hormones, I go secretly into the city and start hormones while living with family. Trying my best to hide it. 2 months on hormones and I procure a place to live with my friends. I get my stuff over there and come out to my mother and stepfather. Unfortunately I was met with disgust from my stepfather and I was told I am no longer welcome in his house.
I find a job now living where I am now working at a michaels making $8.50 an hour. I was so happy to have found a job that wasn’t paying terribly. I was promised 20 hours a week so I happily started working. My first week I was given 20 hours as promised but after that I was knocked down to 4 due to “cuts” which I think meant I made other people uncomfortable so we are going to force you to quit. which I did
A few months go by me selling off my possessions to pay for bills and I finally find another job. This time Its delivering pizza for papa johns at $5 an hour plus tips. Unfortunately even with 30 hours a week I was only making that $5 an hour due to our crazy large 30 minute away delivery radius and people not tipping me at all. So some weeks all my money from the previous week went into gas to work this week. Then began the awkward and disgusting shit my manager pulled. He would now frequently ask “how I have sex” “do you tell people you’re a Tr***y before dating them?” “even though I know what you got down there I think you look pretty damn good”. so after a few months of that and being overworked I quit.
More and more months pass and I finally find my current job at quick chek. I was so happy upon starting but that was short lived. I managed to get the over night shift so I wasn’t to happy about that but It was full time hours. I soon found out that I was not allowed to have breaks due to it being overnight, I was forced into 52 hour workweeks with the threat of being fired If I didn’t and then most recently I ended up getting very very sick. It started out as strep, I tried calling out but I was promptly told I would be fired if I did so, so I went In only to be told If i pass out from my fever I am also fired. So I barely made it through that shift, a few days pass and then I end up in the hospital with pneumonia. after being out for a week I return to find my boss doesn’t trust me anymore and I am no longer allowed to get sick and my hours are now cut to 32. Not only this but with all this going on ever since I started working there morning shift has ALWAYS been 15 minutes or more late to relieve me causing me to end up working 9 hour shifts without breaks constantly on my feet.
Now, today. I have sold a lot of my possessions and almost all my clothes are either torn to hell or stained. I have only 2 pairs of pants and they are full of holes, one pair of shoes on its last legs, and a few shirts. those shirts are either full of holes or full of bleach stains. since moving in a year ago I the biggest purchase I have made was my current work shift for $25. and here lies my issues with this fucking country. I work my fucking ass off at almost 7 different jobs, all of which are just above minumum wage and that alone is not enough to pay off my bills and pay for me to have clothes. that is TOTAL BULLSHIT. I hope one day to at least make above $10 an hour but with how this country is headed I just don’t see it. I wish shit would get better for me but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t quit this job even though its hell because I have nowhere else to go if my rent payments get any further behind….I really also wish that I had just a tad bit of extra money to start saving up for my bottom surgery so every day isn’t another living hell ontop of the hell work has made for me.
Thank you for reading, this is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a very very long time and if you stuck with it reading the whole thing I really really thank you with all of my heart <3
Basically this all starts many years ago, when I still spoke to my biological father. My parents were divorced at a very young age but that I took pretty well. What I didn’t take very well was all the counseling. I was labeled as ADHD and a possible trouble student shortly after my parents divorce. After my father left the picture for the time being our house was forclosed and all our stuff reposessed. Me, my autistic little brother, and my other even younger brother (presented male at the time now presents female) were out of a home so we had to move into a single room, all four of us, in my grandparents house. Enter, father is back in the picture now fighting for full custody of me and my siblings.
Now here is where everything starts going down hill. I wasn’t adapting to the new environment well so I often ran off and hid somewhere crying. I got teased mercilessly for it and so this began a trend that would continue my entire schooling. I was put into all lower grade level classes and daily had to see the school counselor and a psychiatrist weekly. This happened because they felt that I was at risk because I was crying so often and pretty much down all the time.
skipping along to grade 5. The school feels like I am not paying attention well so they recommend I see a doctor to see If I have ADHD. So I was prescribed adderall. This single pill would put me in a really bad condition. but more on that later on. During grade 5 is when my Father became increasingly more physically violent in addition to verbal abuse. Due to a court order me and my siblings were forced to spend weekends with the man. He starved us, worked us like dogs, neglected us, and beat us constantly. Often we weren’t even allowed to eat until we finished the work assigned for us and more often then not it was more than we could handle in one day so we resorted to eating his food scraps from the garbage. My mother now working overnights as a police dispatch tried to put an end to this but we just didn’t have the resources because my father put us into $200,000 of debt.
moving onto eighth grade now. Because of how the school system chose to handle me I was now in special classes due to how far behind my peers I was. With adderall still in my system I was dangerously under weight. The medicine suppressed my appetite so much that I only ate once ever day or two. I was 15 and only weighed 70 pounds. The school system noticed and recommended I see a nutricionist. Due to the lack of food up to this time my body developed an eating disorder of sorts. Since I wasn’t exposed to many types of food textures growing up a lot of foods made me gag the second they entered my mouth so I just couldn’t eat.
at this point I was still under the grip of incredibly religious side of my family as well. It was so bad that at this point I couldn’t think for myself at all. I only did as I was told. This I learned from my abusive father and the church I had attended at the time. To stray from the church would be straying from my family and that’s all I have going for me because I virtually had no friends due to an ongoing undiagnosed depression and anxiety disorder that made me act in a manner that made people not want to approach me and often make fun of me.
A few months later my mother meets someone and eventually me and my siblings move out with my mother into his place. 6 months pass living here while during this time my father keeps twisting my mind to try and blame my mother for why I am so unhappy and that I should live with him because if I didn’t he and my stepsisters (he remarried at a point) would end up on the streets. so he had me write a letter to the court which he basically wrote, he spoke to me and I wrote it down and gave it to the court which caused a lot more drama but nothing came of it.
August rolls around and we all move into a slightly larger place and I am ready to start high school. THIS is where my issues with this country and the Ideals it spreads starts. Due to my eating disorder My puberty was delayed until freshman year of high school. With puberty came a lot of things I didn’t like. One being I realized that I was trans* but at this current time I didn’t know how to put the feelings together. As an unforeseen result of me gaining weight I gained way too much. Shortly after the weight gain I was taken off adderall which caused me to develop anoerexia. So I now only ate every 3 days and it was usually something incredibly small. Now that I got to high school, no one paid attention to me. It seems as if I became invisible. So my anxiety disorders and Depression begin to go unchecked.
April comes around and I get my first job. It’s a cashier job at a chain from the area. It paid $7.25 an hour so I was happy to finally have an income. Unfortunately some months later my father shows up and demands I leave the job because I wasn’t spending enough time with him (landscape work for him so he could make money) He screams at my manager and drags me off. Once inside the car he grabs me by the collar and smashes my head against the car window. He yells at me to stop crying and just focus on the work I am going to have to do for him. That is how I lost my first job.
Sophomore year. I’ve made a few friends now and things start to look up for me. I find a job as a lifeguard that pays $8.00 an hour and was pretty happy with that even though I dealt with 3,000 people daily. This is also the year I came out as gay (wasn’t sure at this point still the feelings I was dealing with inside) I was surprised with how well the family took it, not much had changed. same old bullshit with my parents always fighting putting me in the middle goes on but this year is the year I drop contact with my father completely seeing as I was 16 and no longer had to legally see him.
November, Junior year. This year Is where shit gets bad, really really bad. It starts off with me having to leave my job due to threats from other life guards. I brought it to HR’s attention but they did nothing so I had to leave or risk my well being. This is the first death threat I had received this year. I had come to the realization that I was trans* this year as well so I was dealing with that too and at this point decided transitioning while living with family is way too dangerous for me. So I decided to try and ignore it. For whatever reason a few months later my depression and anxiety kicked into full gear but I will go into that next paragraph. I had now become an athiest and came out to my first friend that I was trans*, it didn’t end well. They ended up telling me that I was incapable of knowing that, that I was wasting my body and that being transgender is disgusting and vile.
I was able to get hooked up with a pizza delivery job shortly after that. It was $4.25 an hour plus tips so I usually averaged out a bit under minimum wage in income. A few months into this job and suddenly I experienced a complete mental breakdown. I absolutely lost it and had almost completely lost my grip on sanity, during this time I did something I thought I wasn’t capable of doing. I drank a few shots of vodka and walked into traffic in the middle of the night. I walked across all 8 lanes and nothing hit me.
I returned home, having failed on what the only thing my mind had itself set to I got to my room and noticed my knife. I, completely drunk and mental state somewhere distant I took it to my arm and leg. This is something that happened off and on for the next few months. I awoke sobbing in my closet, parents thinking I am making this all up I tell them what happened. I was checked into the hospital so they could monitor me to see if I got any worse. I was locked in an all white room that was silent except for the screams of the people just a few rooms down from me. This was truly one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. I was released and over the next few days regained my composure and was able to function once again. sadly, due to this I had lost my job because it happened when I was scheduled for a shift.
Months later after countless psych evaluations It was found that I had manic depression, a few anxiety disorders, and possibly bipolar. I went on countless meds and saw countless doctors and now one had it right for me so I stopped it all. I tried to focus on myself and making myself happy and taking care of my mental state.
Senior year, nothing much happens here except that during my electronics tech class while the teacher was out I had to baracade myself in a closet to avoid being stabbed by two other students. I didn’t report them out of fear of more violence. Luckily no further violence stemmed from the two. The year ends, I graduate, and I decide that I will transition as soon as I can.
Here is life after high school. I enroll in a community college and I get a job at a joann fabric and craft.This is the job that sets the tone for every other job I will have. Shit pay and shit treatment. My job was to cut fabric, run the register, receive shipments of stock which was always either one or two full 18 wheelers and it was only me and one other person unloading, stocking until 3 am and then opening the following day, customer service, and cart duty. This job only paid me $7.45 an hr but I had learned that everyone else from my group that was hired got paid a dollar more than me. January comes along and I was promised to be on staff still seeing as I was hired seasonal. They let me go, so once again I was unemployed.
Nothing happens for a while, I have another breakdown but nowhere near as bad, see a few more psychiatrists, be on a few new meds off and on but nothing major until I turned 20. I decided this was the year I will start hormones, I go secretly into the city and start hormones while living with family. Trying my best to hide it. 2 months on hormones and I procure a place to live with my friends. I get my stuff over there and come out to my mother and stepfather. Unfortunately I was met with disgust from my stepfather and I was told I am no longer welcome in his house.
I find a job now living where I am now working at a michaels making $8.50 an hour. I was so happy to have found a job that wasn’t paying terribly. I was promised 20 hours a week so I happily started working. My first week I was given 20 hours as promised but after that I was knocked down to 4 due to “cuts” which I think meant I made other people uncomfortable so we are going to force you to quit. which I did
A few months go by me selling off my possessions to pay for bills and I finally find another job. This time Its delivering pizza for papa johns at $5 an hour plus tips. Unfortunately even with 30 hours a week I was only making that $5 an hour due to our crazy large 30 minute away delivery radius and people not tipping me at all. So some weeks all my money from the previous week went into gas to work this week. Then began the awkward and disgusting shit my manager pulled. He would now frequently ask “how I have sex” “do you tell people you’re a Tr***y before dating them?” “even though I know what you got down there I think you look pretty damn good”. so after a few months of that and being overworked I quit.
More and more months pass and I finally find my current job at quick chek. I was so happy upon starting but that was short lived. I managed to get the over night shift so I wasn’t to happy about that but It was full time hours. I soon found out that I was not allowed to have breaks due to it being overnight, I was forced into 52 hour workweeks with the threat of being fired If I didn’t and then most recently I ended up getting very very sick. It started out as strep, I tried calling out but I was promptly told I would be fired if I did so, so I went In only to be told If i pass out from my fever I am also fired. So I barely made it through that shift, a few days pass and then I end up in the hospital with pneumonia. after being out for a week I return to find my boss doesn’t trust me anymore and I am no longer allowed to get sick and my hours are now cut to 32. Not only this but with all this going on ever since I started working there morning shift has ALWAYS been 15 minutes or more late to relieve me causing me to end up working 9 hour shifts without breaks constantly on my feet.
Now, today. I have sold a lot of my possessions and almost all my clothes are either torn to hell or stained. I have only 2 pairs of pants and they are full of holes, one pair of shoes on its last legs, and a few shirts. those shirts are either full of holes or full of bleach stains. since moving in a year ago I the biggest purchase I have made was my current work shift for $25. and here lies my issues with this fucking country. I work my fucking ass off at almost 7 different jobs, all of which are just above minumum wage and that alone is not enough to pay off my bills and pay for me to have clothes. that is TOTAL BULLSHIT. I hope one day to at least make above $10 an hour but with how this country is headed I just don’t see it. I wish shit would get better for me but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t quit this job even though its hell because I have nowhere else to go if my rent payments get any further behind….I really also wish that I had just a tad bit of extra money to start saving up for my bottom surgery so every day isn’t another living hell ontop of the hell work has made for me.
Thank you for reading, this is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a very very long time and if you stuck with it reading the whole thing I really really thank you with all of my heart <3
Deary, I don't quite know what to say! I was halfway to crying before I even reached the half of it. >:
I hope things get better for you, though!