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Transition anxiety
12 years ago
The past couple of days I've been feeling a lot of anxiety in regards of my transition.
On sunday, my Mother basically called me and tried to convince me that I shouldn't be trans. Not blatantly but she was trying to imply to me that I could be happy without going on hormones or getting surgery, something which is not possible. She just COULD NOT understand what it feels like to be trans. She also outted me to my father which has made me extremely upset and now I feel incredibly guilty over the pain that he feels about my transition.
I know that my family is trying to be supportive, but now I just feel like they don't understand and that being with them is no longer a "safe space" for me. (I mean in mental health)
I've been having panic attacks again, anytime some one tries to make me second guess myself about my decision to medically transition really freaks me out. Since it makes me actually hesitate it's extremely anxiety producing because it makes me question if this is actually right for me.
Ultimately it is, I feel so stupid about my body everyday, every time I talk to some one and they address me as "miss" or "ma'am" I feel crushed and defeated.
I hate my body, and I want to correct it. Taking hormones is the only way to achieve the appearance I need.
If all goes well I should be starting T in July/August.
I just wish I was born Male, or sometimes, not even born at all.
On sunday, my Mother basically called me and tried to convince me that I shouldn't be trans. Not blatantly but she was trying to imply to me that I could be happy without going on hormones or getting surgery, something which is not possible. She just COULD NOT understand what it feels like to be trans. She also outted me to my father which has made me extremely upset and now I feel incredibly guilty over the pain that he feels about my transition.
I know that my family is trying to be supportive, but now I just feel like they don't understand and that being with them is no longer a "safe space" for me. (I mean in mental health)
I've been having panic attacks again, anytime some one tries to make me second guess myself about my decision to medically transition really freaks me out. Since it makes me actually hesitate it's extremely anxiety producing because it makes me question if this is actually right for me.
Ultimately it is, I feel so stupid about my body everyday, every time I talk to some one and they address me as "miss" or "ma'am" I feel crushed and defeated.
I hate my body, and I want to correct it. Taking hormones is the only way to achieve the appearance I need.
If all goes well I should be starting T in July/August.
I just wish I was born Male, or sometimes, not even born at all.
I'm already seeing two therapist I'm trying to work on it. The point of this post is that it really freaks me out that my mom was trying to make me second guess myself.
Sorry if I seem rather blunt but this stuff just gets to me. Though I also want to say congrats on starting your transition! I too hope to start mine within the next few years. I doubt my parents will take that well but in the end it's my life and I'm gonna be the one to live it, so yeah haha. Keep your chin up dude, you're not alone.
It is my life but I can't help that by me being myself I'm causing them pain. I know it's not my fault but I still feel partially responsible.
I'm very fortunate to be starting my transition as young as I am, but it is never too late.
Thank you for the kind words.
A lot of people really don't realize they're doing it. When random shmo calls you Miss, they're trying to be polite, they don't know what you're going through. While I don't know your mom's motivations, taking hormones and getting surgery is a long, expensive, and sometimes painful road. She probably doesn't want that for you and doesn't understand it's what you need, regardless of any notion that she doesn't want you to be who you are.
I understand my mom's motivations, it is after all much easier to be cisgendered in a cisgendered world. But honestly, I've wanted this since puberty, I just didn't know that it was possible until about a year ago. (Though I was making active plans for top surgery since I was 15, when I realized that breast reduction was a thing)
I know she ultimately wants the best for me, but her actions still caused/causes me a great deal of distress.
It's just such a complicated situation, I'll talk to her about it soon, but I need to let myself rest a little before I can bring it up with her again.
I think you know exactly what you need to do, and that you should go with your gut. It's going to be hard, but you can do it - and you can build a support system outside of the norm.
Hope that things can look up a bit, and that you can look forward to starting on T soon!
Thank you for the kind thoughtful words though.
its like
lol
its ok to get a boob job
or a nose job
but heaven forbid i do something more than skin-deep that is vital to my happiness & will make me comfortable in my body.
THANK GOD MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED
I'm glad that you don't have to deal with your dad on that level though.
I hadn't realized that you are trans*! What are your preferred pronouns?
The main issue is that my Mom just cannot wrap her head around it. Hopefully if she talks to my gender therapist about it it'll help.
Hang in there.
I can't even begin to imagine having unsupportive parents but it sounds like having unsupportive friends except it's from people that are generally much closer to you than that.
Not sure how my mom would take it if I told her about how I'm all genderqueer 'n stuff. If it's anything like how when I told her that I might be manic-depressive, it won't turn out well...
Which is kind of weird to me, since being non-binary is probably weirder than being a binary gender like male or female. :/
Still good luck, though at the same time you really don't need to tell her unless you feel it necessary. Do you have any preferred pronouns?
I hope that she'd be fine with it but I can't really know until I've talked to her about it.
It might take time for her to understand. Personally my mom is more upset since I want to medically transition.