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More life updates because I need to rant!
12 years ago
Okay, so, I got my rent paid x__x Thank the heavens. My landlord wanted me to pay security this month to make sure I wasn't gonna screw her over with the place, and I was being rather irresponsible with my money all month but still managed to make it. Now I'm stress-free kind of until next month~!
I feel really out of the loop. For the past year my life had been very simple and carefree and I would just draw and paint all day. Nowadays I feel the itch to go out and do more, and my restlessness is through the roof and I can't even find the time to sit down, relax, and draw. I don't even really feel like drawing any more, I really wish I could just throw out my style but I also don't want to do that because I'm the only person who can draw like I do, and I don't want to throw that away. But I really think it's time for a change. No matter how much I change my real life or my appearance, or musical tastes or states of mind, my art always seems to remain the same. I really want to go to school to learn to be a better artist but I don't want to be in debt. I hate debt. I need more people to not be afraid to teach me how to do new things, but I'm also so stubborn I don't learn unless I want to. I keep saying all of these energy-sucking things, I think it's just because it's been so goddamn rainy for the past month. We've barely had any sunlight and I'm trying to be a sunchild now, like be awake in the morning instead of at night, but I feel like this is a really difficult routine for my soul to bear with, I'm a night hawk and I love the quiet but I'm transitioning into something different and the growing pain is rather unpleasant, especially when night is the same weather - dark, where as with sunlight you either have cloudy days or sunny days, so it's a gamble for me and my mentality. I haven't wrapped my head around absorbing energy from the rain. sdfjkgds
I don't know, I'm doing the whole soul searching thing again. I did it when I was 17 and here I am at 21 repeating it over again. I forgot how lifeless it was to heal, how long it takes, I'm a believer that sickness is in the mind fdjsk so the more i put myself down, idkfdsj the more i'm not going to have any motivation until i wake up and say enough is enough.
I really want control of my life and I think my next step is getting a car so I can go out, and be free and alone and inspired by what life has to give me. I would go out on my own but I... I don't know. I'm honestly just letting my hands go and letting my mind talk. Maybe I'm PMSing? I kind of hate emotions. I miss feeling content all of the time, it was like apathy, but the more... optimistic side of it.
I'll find it someday I guess.
I'm also at a loss of why good things happen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and it makes me wonder why karma rewards me in some ways sometimes. The Universe is my God so sometimes I like to think that it's giving back to me because I'm trying so hard to make this world a better place... very subtly, and slowly, but I know making people smile is what I love to do... Sometimes I make people sad but sadness doesn't really last as long as you let it. I don't know. I'm confused.
I also feel like a drone a lot more lately, just saying yes to whatever comes my way and not thinking too far ahead to see how it might turn out... well, I do see what will happen (or all the different possibilities) but I ignore whatever warning signs I get... and I have been for a while. I want to take hold of my own life again, see the truth for what it is, do what I want to do and be as free as I want to be. I don't want to be caged but for some reason I'm one of those stupid birds that always gets caught in a trap. I really don't want any relationships, or intimacy, or to be touched by anyone but at the same time I do. I want to love everyone, but that makes most people angry that they can't covet me, and if someone wants to love me and I let them and give myself only to them, it hurts me because I just love everyone, to say I love just one person is a lie beyond measure. fgksdlhfsd i just want everyone to be happy but it's hard being a girl and being sensitive and not wanting to hurt anyone and you hurt yourself for their expense.
I'll figure this out I guess
I'm done ranting~
I feel really out of the loop. For the past year my life had been very simple and carefree and I would just draw and paint all day. Nowadays I feel the itch to go out and do more, and my restlessness is through the roof and I can't even find the time to sit down, relax, and draw. I don't even really feel like drawing any more, I really wish I could just throw out my style but I also don't want to do that because I'm the only person who can draw like I do, and I don't want to throw that away. But I really think it's time for a change. No matter how much I change my real life or my appearance, or musical tastes or states of mind, my art always seems to remain the same. I really want to go to school to learn to be a better artist but I don't want to be in debt. I hate debt. I need more people to not be afraid to teach me how to do new things, but I'm also so stubborn I don't learn unless I want to. I keep saying all of these energy-sucking things, I think it's just because it's been so goddamn rainy for the past month. We've barely had any sunlight and I'm trying to be a sunchild now, like be awake in the morning instead of at night, but I feel like this is a really difficult routine for my soul to bear with, I'm a night hawk and I love the quiet but I'm transitioning into something different and the growing pain is rather unpleasant, especially when night is the same weather - dark, where as with sunlight you either have cloudy days or sunny days, so it's a gamble for me and my mentality. I haven't wrapped my head around absorbing energy from the rain. sdfjkgds
I don't know, I'm doing the whole soul searching thing again. I did it when I was 17 and here I am at 21 repeating it over again. I forgot how lifeless it was to heal, how long it takes, I'm a believer that sickness is in the mind fdjsk so the more i put myself down, idkfdsj the more i'm not going to have any motivation until i wake up and say enough is enough.
I really want control of my life and I think my next step is getting a car so I can go out, and be free and alone and inspired by what life has to give me. I would go out on my own but I... I don't know. I'm honestly just letting my hands go and letting my mind talk. Maybe I'm PMSing? I kind of hate emotions. I miss feeling content all of the time, it was like apathy, but the more... optimistic side of it.
I'll find it someday I guess.
I'm also at a loss of why good things happen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and it makes me wonder why karma rewards me in some ways sometimes. The Universe is my God so sometimes I like to think that it's giving back to me because I'm trying so hard to make this world a better place... very subtly, and slowly, but I know making people smile is what I love to do... Sometimes I make people sad but sadness doesn't really last as long as you let it. I don't know. I'm confused.
I also feel like a drone a lot more lately, just saying yes to whatever comes my way and not thinking too far ahead to see how it might turn out... well, I do see what will happen (or all the different possibilities) but I ignore whatever warning signs I get... and I have been for a while. I want to take hold of my own life again, see the truth for what it is, do what I want to do and be as free as I want to be. I don't want to be caged but for some reason I'm one of those stupid birds that always gets caught in a trap. I really don't want any relationships, or intimacy, or to be touched by anyone but at the same time I do. I want to love everyone, but that makes most people angry that they can't covet me, and if someone wants to love me and I let them and give myself only to them, it hurts me because I just love everyone, to say I love just one person is a lie beyond measure. fgksdlhfsd i just want everyone to be happy but it's hard being a girl and being sensitive and not wanting to hurt anyone and you hurt yourself for their expense.
I'll figure this out I guess
I'm done ranting~
I don't really know if I understood all of your big big text (my english is not thaat good :3) but I think I really understand what you're talking about.
You try to make everyone around you happy - but you forget about yourself! I know, drawing is wonderful and maybe you do it for a living. But wouldn't it better to take a break of all those commissions? Noone would mind if you gave them their pictures later (so do I, if you remembered me :P) .. And if you really need all the money you could simple do some more character auctions. This gives you the possibility to work how you'd like to work and you're also able to change your style and so on. (I saw you got about 300$ for an adoptable, this is why I'm mentioning this xD)
Your fans will support you with everything - you know that.
It's normal to feel "burnt out" (like we call it in german). You're working that hard! You should really take a break.
And if you want to visit those drawing-classes please visit them (: Though you're perfect enough at the moment ^-^
I hope you feel better very soon (:
Best wishes
~ Crescent.
dunno, I just hoped this would make you smile a bit
http://www.gnomonschool.com/high-sc.....ummer-camp.php
It's expensive but not debt-worthy.
They also do a workshop pass for 500$ for a year, for you to view their instructional videos/teachers.
Keep your head up. You've come a long way and done a lot of great things. If you really are like me, you'll find your inner peace soon enough. But you have to remember that it isn't all about where you're going, it's really about what you do along the way. You're always going to have to balance enjoying where you are in your life with striving for the goals ahead, and if you work things out right, both will fill your life with joy.
I guess this is the battle for a lot of highly driven creatives, who constantly draw from the soul and look into the soul. Sometimes you look in too much and you think about things too much.
But I guarantee you that although you might have felt that you have made a lot of mistakes, the universe will always reward you, because you are so aware of the universe being able to reward you,
and because, you recognise a consciousness and an entity within the universe which you constantly strive to connect with. I think the universe would reward you for even striving to make this connection.
I also think that you are a very good person who deserves the kindness of others anyway! x
And it is completely true what nicoya says; every time I see your name or artwork come up in my inbox I get happy. I look forward to each new thing you create.
I look forward to each new story you have and to each journey you want to reveal or the interesting symbolism which you incorporate into you’re work and talk about in your descriptions. You are a very inspiring individual. And I’ve been inspired by your work and you since I’ve found you online. And you are making changes. You are making gradual changes in your work. I do agree that going to art school, or finding something different may be very wonderful for you if you feel that urge, to expand your knowledge and experience and that it is totally natural you should feel that way after working so hard at the same thing over a period of time. You are a hard worker Falvie, and that character trait will only ever help you to excel in anything you do.
And don’t worry about your feelings. You’ll get a hold of everything. You will because you always seem to pull through. ;) and with flying colours too.
As for your art style, don't change it. It's just fine the way it is.
"I need more people to not be afraid to teach me how to do new things," Anything in particular, or is it more art related?
You live in a town that looks pretty interesting, so why not start off just putting on a good pair of shoes, grab a knapsack/shoulder bag, put a sketch book and note pad in and go for a walk. You don't need a destination. Just go where your feet take you. It's a small step, but it's a start.
The reason good things happen to you is because you're kind to the universe so it has no reason not to be kind to you back. Plus, you've touched peoples' lives in ways you can't even begin to imagine, planting seeds that likely won't bloom for years but they are there, make no mistake. And besides, I believe in reincarnation so maybe you've built up really good karma from past lives. :3
I'm not a fortune teller or anything like that but I am intuitive and I would bet good money that you're gonna hit a place in your life pretty soon that's going to knock you to the ground and shake your life up like nothing else ever has. In a good way I mean (at least eventually, it might hurt a bit). I dunno, take that for what it's worth, but that's what my instinct tells me and I felt it wouldn't be good to keep that to myself. :T
Oh, one more thing. Don't ever forget that you are fucking amazing and you're here for a very important reason. Yeah okay, my rambling is over. Cheers and have a great day!
but I want you to know that you were the one that inspired me
to start drawing. It's not going to be a profession, and I'm not
going to try and make anything of it, but I do enjoy it, and that's
thanks to you.
-Owl
Ugh! sometimes it stinks having a engineer's brain!
You can't get out what you want to say!
(Part of that may have been that I wrote it at 4:30 AM.)
I need a major change in my life, but I'm terrified of what that change could mean.
I can't trust myself and I can't trust other people. I cut myself off from the world for months at a time. Stuck in my own mind, I drive myself crazy.
Mixing daydreams up with reality, I feel tortured. But it's all in my head. It's all in my head but it still causes damage. Damaged goods.
I call out for help repeatedly in my mind. Over and over. But I don't respond to my own cries. I'm scared. Hiding.
Always hiding.
Like you, I kinda wish I had gone to school for art. I went for animation, and I learned what I wanted--yes-- but animation isn't what I want to do, and some times I feel as though I'm trying to play catch up with artists my age, who did take the classes, and learned the skills. In a way though, I think the internet is the best resource for learning-- if you apply yourself to set out and do it. That's something I have to do, too. I mean, there's just so much out there, and it is for free, I just need to apply myself to my learning the same way I do to my queue.
As for why good things happen? I'm a firm believer in karma, and I think you're a great person and a very prolific and talented artist, so why shouldn't some nice things happen once in a while? <3
Also, a tip from a fellow night hawk-- if you love the sun, but insist on staying up, change your desktop to a beautiful summer scene. It does lift the spirits, and can do a lot for the mood, even if it's just a picture. ;D
Hmm, a thought. .. Falvie .. . This name is unforgettable and nice ! Be Lucky ! Best wishes !
Laeion
First of all, I don't really think you should take an art degree. Yes it'll teach some stuff, you'll pratice a lot and will improve a bit. But for it's price and time spent, I don't think it'll worth for you. I know A LOT of people who regret taking an art college or similar. You already draw pretty well, so I think an art degree won't bring you many benefits. After all, it's stressing, and since you won't learn that much, I think you're better without one.
I don't own a car yet but I do agree it'll bring you some freedom. Even if it's only for the ride. Nonetheless you'll be able to visit more places and/or more often. Sadly, car = expenses, 1st the car itself then it's other stuff like gas, cleaning and semestrial maintenances. Maintenance is important since you're probably buying an used or even old car, so it might require them more often, and sometimes they're quite expensive.
And you might not know me at all but I read your journals, follow your arts, and I like you! *hugs* =^_^=