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Hurray for Near Sex!!!
17 years ago
The Rantings of an Art Crazed Chow, Second verse, same as the first.
And what is "Near Sex" you ask? Well, it's going through the motions but going nowhere with your mate.
My whole weekend have been nothing more but a trip through an emotional grinder. Little arguments between me and my GF starting on Monday, and lasting through Friday when I finally had enough and shut off all my phones. I laid there on the couch, angry, sad, hurt and such, too depressed to even take what little free time I've won to do any art.
Saturday morning I got up, feeling like hell and made the first mistake of turning on the phones. She called, began to chew me out for turning off my phones, and then the waterworks started, on my end. They said that men are not supposed to express their emotions in such a way that seems female, yet there I was, broken voice and all, announcing my trip to fail-ville. She knew I wanted to call it quits and break up, yet she used every trick in the book to keep me. At this point in our relationship, I do the grunt work, while she supervises. Hell, I'm am a male, I have needs, or at least my needs until they begin to wane, which I suspect is happening. She allowed me to keep my distance Saturday, a moment apart to allow me to compose myself, in which time I managed to finish some art.
Sunday arrives and as usual, my ritual begins, later on that day, I arrive to her place to clean her animals, do my laundry, and run errands. I try to keep up a public face, hiding my pain yet she saw right through it. After cleaning her animals, allowing her cuddle time with them and such, as well as change a lightbulb and walk the dog several times, she motioned me to have a seat, sitting in my lap, she allowed me a moment to cuddle and near sex. (sigh)
I know, some of you out there ask, why am I putting myself through this, well, I guess it is just par of the course for damaged good such as myself, to feel needed, to do without looking for something in return. I would think this may be the beginnings of a submissive/dominate relationship which some might not find too healthy. At this point I don't know what to think of it. In times of desperation some folks feel the need to move towards someone or something that could prove dangerous to their well being. That may be the case with me but until I can either muster the courage to finally cut the ties, without threats of her giving up her animals, which I love dearly, facing the fact that if I do leave, I will be alone again without any chance of meeting anyone new, (male or female) because I've become too jaded, get that notion out of my head that I'm too old to have a meaningful relationship, thus it would be better for me to just drop dead...
Strike that last part, I'm not ready to cash in my chips just yet. I got nothing left to lose by being with her, and maybe pain is the best thing for me. In the end when I'm laid to rest they will, or might say that he died with a sensitive heart and a kind soul and where he is going, he will finally be rewarded.
Yea, a bit emo for sure and I'm learning that you are never too old to be emo. Please, don't take these words too seriously, I'm just venting in hopes of helping me cope. There are folks out there with good intentions to try and comfort me, I will try not to turn them away but please understand that sometimes I must suffer alone to find myself. Cheers.
My whole weekend have been nothing more but a trip through an emotional grinder. Little arguments between me and my GF starting on Monday, and lasting through Friday when I finally had enough and shut off all my phones. I laid there on the couch, angry, sad, hurt and such, too depressed to even take what little free time I've won to do any art.
Saturday morning I got up, feeling like hell and made the first mistake of turning on the phones. She called, began to chew me out for turning off my phones, and then the waterworks started, on my end. They said that men are not supposed to express their emotions in such a way that seems female, yet there I was, broken voice and all, announcing my trip to fail-ville. She knew I wanted to call it quits and break up, yet she used every trick in the book to keep me. At this point in our relationship, I do the grunt work, while she supervises. Hell, I'm am a male, I have needs, or at least my needs until they begin to wane, which I suspect is happening. She allowed me to keep my distance Saturday, a moment apart to allow me to compose myself, in which time I managed to finish some art.
Sunday arrives and as usual, my ritual begins, later on that day, I arrive to her place to clean her animals, do my laundry, and run errands. I try to keep up a public face, hiding my pain yet she saw right through it. After cleaning her animals, allowing her cuddle time with them and such, as well as change a lightbulb and walk the dog several times, she motioned me to have a seat, sitting in my lap, she allowed me a moment to cuddle and near sex. (sigh)
I know, some of you out there ask, why am I putting myself through this, well, I guess it is just par of the course for damaged good such as myself, to feel needed, to do without looking for something in return. I would think this may be the beginnings of a submissive/dominate relationship which some might not find too healthy. At this point I don't know what to think of it. In times of desperation some folks feel the need to move towards someone or something that could prove dangerous to their well being. That may be the case with me but until I can either muster the courage to finally cut the ties, without threats of her giving up her animals, which I love dearly, facing the fact that if I do leave, I will be alone again without any chance of meeting anyone new, (male or female) because I've become too jaded, get that notion out of my head that I'm too old to have a meaningful relationship, thus it would be better for me to just drop dead...
Strike that last part, I'm not ready to cash in my chips just yet. I got nothing left to lose by being with her, and maybe pain is the best thing for me. In the end when I'm laid to rest they will, or might say that he died with a sensitive heart and a kind soul and where he is going, he will finally be rewarded.
Yea, a bit emo for sure and I'm learning that you are never too old to be emo. Please, don't take these words too seriously, I'm just venting in hopes of helping me cope. There are folks out there with good intentions to try and comfort me, I will try not to turn them away but please understand that sometimes I must suffer alone to find myself. Cheers.
Kitchen sink cookies is just as it sounds, everything in it but the kitchen sink, mostly because I have to scrounge ingredients from here and there. The outcome? Lets just say that whatever does not kill me in the cookies only makes me stronger. Thanks again for the ear and cheers.
Again I thank you, for listening, for understanding, for being there. I can try and look up, moving forward and feeling better knowing that somebody is there and also knowing that such kindness is doubled when returned. Cheers.