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Life updates.
12 years ago
General
Well... after missing out on the REMSA job, I applied at a few other places, including a carpet cleaning company, because my dad knows the owner or something? And Best Buy. Best Buy got back to me and I got to have a phone interview with them, and it went quite well. I got hopeful. Then I got rejected. And now I'm feeling bad all over again. I have so much to offer to an employer, and I really don't want to waste that by having to settle for something lousy, but if no one worthwhile is willing to give me a chance then I may not have a choice, especially after working so hard to improve myself, and that's depressing.
I really wish REMSA had hired me. I'd feel so much better about everything right now. I'd be out doing things -- not only getting to see the fun things Reno has to offer, but I'd be doing a job that lets me use the potential I know I have. I'd be serving a purpose. I'd be gaining experience and helping people in a meaningful way. I'd be making money, so I could afford to do fun things -- or at least to just buy gas for my car more than $5 at a time every few weeks. I could start saving money to begin an independent life. I wouldn't have to worry about looking for work, AND my further EMS education would be free.
For the past month I've only left home to take things to the Post Office and occasionally visit Goodwill while I'm at it. While I'm there I buy records, because I enjoy them and I can pay for them with spare change that I've collected after finding it on the ground or in vending machines. The last time I had any reason to go somewhere else was the Starfucker concert a month ago, which is also the last time I've gotten to hang out with any of my friends.
Ah, friends... I feel like most of them don't care. A few keep in contact with me, but a lot of them I only get to see once in a while and more or less don't exist the rest of the time. Some of them straight-up have no respect for me, though. I get made fun of for being straight, among other things -- which is stupid -- and I've had more than one "friend" that actually said they want to "convert" me away from straight, which makes me wonder just how fucking little respect you have to have for a person to think that's acceptable. Despite all my efforts, I've had so few good RL friends in my life, and end up with "friends" like this, and I don't know why. One of the only people I ever knew who was the friend I'd always wanted but never had -- the Turk to my J.D., so to speak -- ended up hurting me and ruining everything, then despised me and treated me like scum.
My internet friends are mostly great, but being on the internet there's only so much contact you can have with them, and it kills me not being able to hang out with them in person. But now one of my closest ones, it turns out, isn't so close. I guess I'm not actually trusted, and that hurts.
So... I'm feeling rather down about things. I'm trying to keep positive, but it's becoming harder and harder. My grandma died, which sucks, but I'm glad she's not in pain. It's gonna throw the whole family into turmoil, though. I can see it now. Life has become so dull and boring, and my anxiety issues have gotten worse. I just generally feel isolated and depressed. I'm really hoping to land a decent job somewhere... maybe then my issues would begin to go away. Maybe I could make some new friends. Making money and doing something would give me a sense of purpose.
In the meanwhile, I've taken up hiking. Nature helps me feel at ease... maybe it's seeing that outside of my world, everything else continues just as it always has. It's reassuring somehow. The physical exertion makes me feel better about spending so much time doing nothing, because at least my body isn't decaying. And no matter what, I've always got my music. People have felt the way I do, and they turned it into art. Kind of puts my feelings into a real tangible form, just like writing does.
Sorry for the rant, but I feel better having gotten this all out there. I'm off to hike. Have a good day, FA.
I really wish REMSA had hired me. I'd feel so much better about everything right now. I'd be out doing things -- not only getting to see the fun things Reno has to offer, but I'd be doing a job that lets me use the potential I know I have. I'd be serving a purpose. I'd be gaining experience and helping people in a meaningful way. I'd be making money, so I could afford to do fun things -- or at least to just buy gas for my car more than $5 at a time every few weeks. I could start saving money to begin an independent life. I wouldn't have to worry about looking for work, AND my further EMS education would be free.
For the past month I've only left home to take things to the Post Office and occasionally visit Goodwill while I'm at it. While I'm there I buy records, because I enjoy them and I can pay for them with spare change that I've collected after finding it on the ground or in vending machines. The last time I had any reason to go somewhere else was the Starfucker concert a month ago, which is also the last time I've gotten to hang out with any of my friends.
Ah, friends... I feel like most of them don't care. A few keep in contact with me, but a lot of them I only get to see once in a while and more or less don't exist the rest of the time. Some of them straight-up have no respect for me, though. I get made fun of for being straight, among other things -- which is stupid -- and I've had more than one "friend" that actually said they want to "convert" me away from straight, which makes me wonder just how fucking little respect you have to have for a person to think that's acceptable. Despite all my efforts, I've had so few good RL friends in my life, and end up with "friends" like this, and I don't know why. One of the only people I ever knew who was the friend I'd always wanted but never had -- the Turk to my J.D., so to speak -- ended up hurting me and ruining everything, then despised me and treated me like scum.
My internet friends are mostly great, but being on the internet there's only so much contact you can have with them, and it kills me not being able to hang out with them in person. But now one of my closest ones, it turns out, isn't so close. I guess I'm not actually trusted, and that hurts.
So... I'm feeling rather down about things. I'm trying to keep positive, but it's becoming harder and harder. My grandma died, which sucks, but I'm glad she's not in pain. It's gonna throw the whole family into turmoil, though. I can see it now. Life has become so dull and boring, and my anxiety issues have gotten worse. I just generally feel isolated and depressed. I'm really hoping to land a decent job somewhere... maybe then my issues would begin to go away. Maybe I could make some new friends. Making money and doing something would give me a sense of purpose.
In the meanwhile, I've taken up hiking. Nature helps me feel at ease... maybe it's seeing that outside of my world, everything else continues just as it always has. It's reassuring somehow. The physical exertion makes me feel better about spending so much time doing nothing, because at least my body isn't decaying. And no matter what, I've always got my music. People have felt the way I do, and they turned it into art. Kind of puts my feelings into a real tangible form, just like writing does.
Sorry for the rant, but I feel better having gotten this all out there. I'm off to hike. Have a good day, FA.
And yeah, that's a good way to put it -- nature is real. All the stress and complication is manmade. Something you've gotta live with, though, but if I can escape it for a while, it helps.