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I feel misunderstood.
12 years ago
(OBS the text might be unclear and have typos, i am not good at describing)
I dont know why, but i just felt like writing this thing. Lately, alot have taken over my mind, after learning and discovering myself.
I dont talk to alot of people, and i have allways been nice, well i thought so ..
Its hard to point out, but when i didnt talk to any, i had this thing i kept telling myself:
"When i meet someone .. im gonna be tolerative .. i want to be the most open minded person .. i wont give him or her bounderies at all.. i want to be the one i am now, i want to be myself"
To be one self .. i learned the hard way that, it really is hard to be .. one self.
I have been encountering alot of emotion during the past time: Decieve, jalleouxy, anger, sadness..
Things i NEVER thought would be a problem for me AT ALL!
I was SURE i wouldnt turn out to be a jalleoux type, furthermore, i am known to be very happy on others behalfs ..
I was SURE i never ment to harm any of my friends, i could never hurt em or do anything to harm em .. but it still turned out that NOT talking, is a harm itself.
Anger. I never thought i would feel direct anger on another being. heck i even have a heart for most criminals and wanna know their past because i dont like judging others. But i also learned, that i am very judgemental.. I never thought of it, but most things i say, is acturally a label i put on another person..
Its a big open wound, to find out all of these things at once..
It hurts to know that, im not who i really think i am.
I have been afraid of talking for long, and when i did, i was confirmed being nice and all .. but in the long run, it turns out im much more a bad person, then i thought.
Its hard to make out and im not good at describing my feelings, but its really brining one down, to think of it.
I have gone so far, so far i cannot return, and convince people, that i am not who i show to be ..
I have shown jalleuxy, to such great extend, that i can no longer say, that i am not a jalleux person .. deep inside, im really not that person, and i hope i can reach out, and say that.. even if i have talked about said object before, and said why i was jalleoux.. i feel that im lost with this judgement placed on me, as a jalleux type.
I have talked to friends, and others who also follow my art and so, i made friends, but i lost em too, because i dont talk enough. I want to say it is as simple as it is, i have alot to talk to and i dont got time for it all.
This statement alone makes me an attentionist.. one i fear to be, i dont want to be like that, but i fear that it is what is happening. I try to talk to everyone as friends.. but when my messages gets short and uninterresting, it gets insulting for em, as if i dont interrest me in them and what they do ..but i simply dont have time.
Mind me, i play alot of games, most of the day, to relax and have fun. Alot asks me what i do, and i can sadly nly reply very shortly. This shows clear uninterrest, and it makes me sad to think of.
Have you ever felt that feeling .. that there is something you are very good at .. something you are certain you know about.. and then get to know, that its perhaps not what you are afterall? all this time? all this work just for nothing?
This is what im battling now.
Im not sure if i should try to defend my personality .. or accept that i am indeed a bad person.
I dont know why, but i just felt like writing this thing. Lately, alot have taken over my mind, after learning and discovering myself.
I dont talk to alot of people, and i have allways been nice, well i thought so ..
Its hard to point out, but when i didnt talk to any, i had this thing i kept telling myself:
"When i meet someone .. im gonna be tolerative .. i want to be the most open minded person .. i wont give him or her bounderies at all.. i want to be the one i am now, i want to be myself"
To be one self .. i learned the hard way that, it really is hard to be .. one self.
I have been encountering alot of emotion during the past time: Decieve, jalleouxy, anger, sadness..
Things i NEVER thought would be a problem for me AT ALL!
I was SURE i wouldnt turn out to be a jalleoux type, furthermore, i am known to be very happy on others behalfs ..
I was SURE i never ment to harm any of my friends, i could never hurt em or do anything to harm em .. but it still turned out that NOT talking, is a harm itself.
Anger. I never thought i would feel direct anger on another being. heck i even have a heart for most criminals and wanna know their past because i dont like judging others. But i also learned, that i am very judgemental.. I never thought of it, but most things i say, is acturally a label i put on another person..
Its a big open wound, to find out all of these things at once..
It hurts to know that, im not who i really think i am.
I have been afraid of talking for long, and when i did, i was confirmed being nice and all .. but in the long run, it turns out im much more a bad person, then i thought.
Its hard to make out and im not good at describing my feelings, but its really brining one down, to think of it.
I have gone so far, so far i cannot return, and convince people, that i am not who i show to be ..
I have shown jalleuxy, to such great extend, that i can no longer say, that i am not a jalleux person .. deep inside, im really not that person, and i hope i can reach out, and say that.. even if i have talked about said object before, and said why i was jalleoux.. i feel that im lost with this judgement placed on me, as a jalleux type.
I have talked to friends, and others who also follow my art and so, i made friends, but i lost em too, because i dont talk enough. I want to say it is as simple as it is, i have alot to talk to and i dont got time for it all.
This statement alone makes me an attentionist.. one i fear to be, i dont want to be like that, but i fear that it is what is happening. I try to talk to everyone as friends.. but when my messages gets short and uninterresting, it gets insulting for em, as if i dont interrest me in them and what they do ..but i simply dont have time.
Mind me, i play alot of games, most of the day, to relax and have fun. Alot asks me what i do, and i can sadly nly reply very shortly. This shows clear uninterrest, and it makes me sad to think of.
Have you ever felt that feeling .. that there is something you are very good at .. something you are certain you know about.. and then get to know, that its perhaps not what you are afterall? all this time? all this work just for nothing?
This is what im battling now.
Im not sure if i should try to defend my personality .. or accept that i am indeed a bad person.
I know The feeling. Its hard to say your one thing then do the complete opposite when put into that type of situation. Its good to be judge mantel its a survival thing. Can't trust everyone :P
I could have tons more friends if I was willing to spend all of my spare time dealing with them. But I just can't be that person. I just keep a few close friends and try to maintain as much time as I can for them.
The right amount of jealousy drives us forward, and anger can be the right way to deal with injustice. Looking for attention makes most artists what they are, but it all needs to be kept in moderation.
Every now and then I notice I overdid it a little.. I snapped and shouted at someone, I catered to the fans too much and deluded my own work. Then I feel bad about it, and I learn from it, hoping that I can become a better person.
I think my main problem is that I leave the chat program running too long, and I don't tell people when I am busy. So sometimes when someone messages me and we get to a good start, we chat till the late hours of the night. But sometimes I don't actually feel like talking, I just have the chat program open to not feel alone, and instead I play games. Those are the times when people get very short replies from me.
And once I feel like talking again I feel bad about acting like that.
Its basicly how it is.
It does not make sense to feel bad if you cannot be friends with everyone, and yes, you need to talk to people to be friends with them, but I can understand sometimes wishing people will start the conversations with you instead.
for me, when someone talks to me it says that they wanna talk to me, and that I am not annoying them, so I can understand the compulsion to not talk sometimes. I am a quiet person and I don't want to bother people if I do not think I have anything particularly exciting to share with them.
But the friends you need will be the friends who understand you and your needs and your quirks.
And also, emotions are an important part of a person. Don't feel bad that you have what we think of as "bad" emotions. Nature put them there for a reason. The only time emotions are bad is when it leads us to make bad decisions.
Think about how in Ponies, in "Green Isn't your Color", Rarity was jealous of Fluttershy but never did anything about it, and tried to help Fluttershy stay a model even though it made Rarity more jealous. Was Rarity bad because of her emotions? I do not think so.
Make changes to yourself that make you happier, but feel free to make them at your own pace.
ALSO I LOVE ALL YOUR VORE.
It's understandable, and not something you should feel guilty about. It's not your fault you feel how you feel... I learned that over time. That said, do always try your best never to let it harm anyone! That also includes yourself. Find healthy and safe outlets for it... if you let it build up it will result in more harm as well. I wish I could help more, but those things don't have easy solutions unfortunately... just gotta live with certain parts and discover the best ways to handle them.
Other than that, you haven't hurt me and likely never would, so I'm sure it's ok. But I will admit I indeed miss talking with you, and do feel sad I haven't been around (but again that's not a fault). I hope you will still be here and on Skype wish to talk again dear