So I have gotten exactly no work done this year with the sole exception of a mural I've been working on, some pieces I sold in the early months of this year, and a large sale I made in I think it was April.

I've managed to post exactly nothing to Etsy.

I've gained back all the weight I lost (and gained and lost) in pretty much perfect tune to my bipolar episodes.

I'm learning a lot about myself. I really think that the intensity of my mental instability lately might actually be a sign that I'm making a lot of internal progress. I'm stirring up old stuff that's been festering undisturbed just under the surface for a long time, and I'm generally very irritable.

One of the things that I've been most upset about is actually a threefold problem of mine.

The first is this: I get these ideas, and I get really convicted about them, like, life change stuff, and I wanna do it, and I start doing it, but because my circumstances aren't really under my direct control and I can only influence them in cooperation with the person who makes sure I can eat and type these things where people can read them, my whole set of goals eventually falls out of the sky like the early American rocket program, failing catastrophically and usually leaving an even shittier situation behind. I had a lot of goals this year that I'm having to make peace with failing to achieve because for the most part, it's too late now. I hate to make myself the victim, I prefer to shoulder the responsibility for my circumstances everywhere I can because that empowers me to change them, but in this case, I keep trusting in others for help that never comes.

Second, I keep being compelled to do things for people other than me, simply because doing what they want will provide me with resources I need, and maybe I'm a little interested in the project too. But the problem is that anything I've gotten out of it (indeed, anything at all I've earned this year) has been sucked up by either survival needs or the kinds of stupid things you buy because when you're poor and suddenly have money, your impulse control, even if it's actually pretty good, tends to go right out the goddamn window. I find myself compromising my integrity for others, and it hasn't yet been worth it as anything but experience.

Third, and this is the result of the other two, my values are changing dramatically and fairly quickly. I find myself thanking the higher power I believe in for the amazing results of the adverse circumstances I've experienced, willing myself to desire what it desires for me, asking to see from a perspective of unity and love instead of isolation and fear. My whole internal paradigm is changing.... and this is presenting some serious social problems for me and I don't know how to deal with them because sometimes I can be gentle and kind and at peace and then the wrong word gets said or the wrong subject broached and immediately I'm holding back this snarling, violent monster inside me that wants to tear into someone.


I'm done holding back in a lot of ways. Lately, when I'm angry, I slam doors, throw things, fucking scream if that's what I feel like because I can either let it out or hold it back and I'm not sure which is worse, only that bruises and scrapes heal, the house needs a laundry list of repairs anyway, people I care about will usually come back to me either because they know I didn't mean it toward them or that I sure as hell did and they need to own the reasons why, and I can get on with my life faster if I just let it out.

Anyway, I owe art to a few people and I can see this situation with me coming to a head before the year's out. If you know me at all you know I prefer to knock stuff out as fast as I can and that any significant delays mean personal problems severe enough to rob me of my creativity and occasionally my agency over my affairs to a great extent.

I think something's gonna give soon and when it does, maybe I'll be able to throw this thing off and get something done.

Not that I haven't been doing anything with my time, mind you.

I've been learning.

My GOD have I been learning.