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"How are you?" Rant/PSA
12 years ago
Okay--I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, but it has to be said. Exhibit A:
"Hi. How are you?"
That is something a friend asks a friend. That is something a husband asks a wife. That is something a parent asks a child. See the pattern? That is something you ask when you have legitimate cause to care about the other person's response. That is not, under any circumstances ever, how you introduce yourself to someone on the Internet. I have zero social skills whatsoever and can tell you that if you introduce yourself by asking that question, you have negative social skills. Sure, it's acceptable if there's been some form of prior communication, but if these are the first words I get from you, chances are I won't really be eager to talk to you.
Why?
Let's ignore the fact that it's a copy-pasted introduction that gives me no clue as to what your diction, syntax, and personality actually are, and just focus on one thing. If you ask me how I am, there are two scenarios. Exhibit B:
1.) I tell you the truth. This usually means bitching to you about something, or giving you too much personal information, or bragging about something. None of these is acceptable unless invited. You put me in a position where if I tell the truth, I automatically become an annoying asshole.
2.) I tell you something generic, like "Fine," or "good." We have both wasted a minute of each others' time rehearsing a prerecorded script billions of other people on the planet have already had today.
Asking "how are you" is the single most boring introduction you can ever make, and it has been for the entire history of forever.
Because, listen: when you do this, I have no idea what you actually want from me or why you're even talking to me.. If you messaged me, something about me caught your attention. Mention it. Ask me about it. Tell me something interesting about yourself, something that makes whatever caught your attention interesting to you. Do anything but say "Hi. How are you?" And if you can't think of anything else to say, then you shouldn't be messaging me in the first place.
(I'm not actually trying to come off as hating everyone, though I sort of do hate everyone who does this. I'm actually very approachable and am fine with talking to anyone about mostly anything. Just, please, don't do this. It's my one pet peeve. I always picture the random furry from Sidian's comics...)
"Hi. How are you?"
That is something a friend asks a friend. That is something a husband asks a wife. That is something a parent asks a child. See the pattern? That is something you ask when you have legitimate cause to care about the other person's response. That is not, under any circumstances ever, how you introduce yourself to someone on the Internet. I have zero social skills whatsoever and can tell you that if you introduce yourself by asking that question, you have negative social skills. Sure, it's acceptable if there's been some form of prior communication, but if these are the first words I get from you, chances are I won't really be eager to talk to you.
Why?
Let's ignore the fact that it's a copy-pasted introduction that gives me no clue as to what your diction, syntax, and personality actually are, and just focus on one thing. If you ask me how I am, there are two scenarios. Exhibit B:
1.) I tell you the truth. This usually means bitching to you about something, or giving you too much personal information, or bragging about something. None of these is acceptable unless invited. You put me in a position where if I tell the truth, I automatically become an annoying asshole.
2.) I tell you something generic, like "Fine," or "good." We have both wasted a minute of each others' time rehearsing a prerecorded script billions of other people on the planet have already had today.
Asking "how are you" is the single most boring introduction you can ever make, and it has been for the entire history of forever.
Because, listen: when you do this, I have no idea what you actually want from me or why you're even talking to me.. If you messaged me, something about me caught your attention. Mention it. Ask me about it. Tell me something interesting about yourself, something that makes whatever caught your attention interesting to you. Do anything but say "Hi. How are you?" And if you can't think of anything else to say, then you shouldn't be messaging me in the first place.
(I'm not actually trying to come off as hating everyone, though I sort of do hate everyone who does this. I'm actually very approachable and am fine with talking to anyone about mostly anything. Just, please, don't do this. It's my one pet peeve. I always picture the random furry from Sidian's comics...)
First impressions are important.
*long awkward silence*
"So... how did your day go..."
*torturous silence*
Heheh. Used to be like that, till I realized most people appreciate direct communication. Gives them the choice to initiate the conversation or not. I'll often message someone like, "Hiya. Noticed x in your profile, and I like x because y. Want to roleplay?". Straightforward, allows for a simple yes/no.
But the post up there by lucent is true, too; it's just a crap icebreaker, really. Takes more boldness to get results than that.
Most of my friendships were born of a "hunch", and we usually lack a common point in a beginning, but my fav path to meeting each other is through passions or dreams.
"Hi! I see that you <bla>, and I find that quite interesting. How has that been going for you, recently? Do you mind talking about it?"
Or something like that, less business-profesionally sounding, perhaps. And if you don't know what to ask, maybe just be forthright and say you have a hunch and ask what the person is passionate about? There's always a reason why you talk to someone, and I find that communicating that reason is always helpful. It lets the person glimpse your diction, syntax, and personality, rather than just a string of four words everyone's heard a billion and one times. And it establishes a clear motivation. If you just say, how are you, then the person you're asking doesn't really know what you want.
My actual problem taking a direct approach (or a "professional" one), is that it can become "intimidating" for some people. I have this terribly formal demeanor that some people find amusing, but they get this feeling that they're talking with a scholar and not with a student (sigh). I agree that going directly to the point is a good idea, but I prefer leaving "breathing space" for the other person and let them decide if they want to speak about themselves or not.
In any case, I would think that the "how are you" question is pretty much a faux pas nowadays, I just try to add up a silly anecdote to alleviate things a little.
But... yeah, I'm awkward.
Always.
Now I just throw back a "Good, you?" to get it over with so I can walk away.
there's also the fact the phrase "Hi, how are you?" carries significant differences between cultures and is often meant to mean that they are interested in you as a person
My comment is not in aversion to the phrase in general. It is in aversion to when someone messages you for the first time, on the Internet, with no context, and just says, "Hi. How are you?" Nothing else.
When you are on a number of large social networks geared around meeting people, you'll find that's all people do. "Hi. How are you?" Then a boring response, and then silence. It is not something to carry a conversation with. Ergo, it is not something to start a conversation with.
If someone is interested in me, that person should communicate what it is about me that caught their interest. That actually starts and sustains conversation. Repeating a copy-pasted line does not. First impressions count, and the first impression I get from that is someone who does not put any effort into an approach.
Remember, I am only talking about online media, here.
If someone's messaging me, they're doing it for a reason. Something caught their eye. Did they like my stories or want to talk about writing? Did they like my music or want to talk about music? Were they interested in my scientific background? They should present that as a topic of conversation. Saying just "Hi. How are you?"... I've answered that 10 times today already, and I don't want to tell that person the truth, anyway. I feel like I have zero motivation to respond, and I always have to just grope around idly until I figure out what the person actually is interested in. It would save us time we just skipped right to the interesting part.
Not to say I've never had a good conversation that started with this, but still. 90% of the time "Hi. How are you?" is precursor to asking something else that the person should've just asked to start with.
Random furry: "Hi."
Me: "Hi."
Random furry: "How are you?"