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I feel like my life is drifting apart.
12 years ago
I have really been depressed lately.
And when I say really depressed, I mean depressed enough to score 47/63 on depression test and enough to be sent on intensive treatment to prevent me from killing myself.
I just cant handle life anymore. I have completely turned incapable of taking care of myself and my earthy needs. I'm unable to go out and socialize, and I'm absolutely unable to feeling any other emotion except sadness, grief and detachment from my friends, life, and everything.
I cannot face everyday tasks anymore. I cannot read facebook or any other media anymore without finding some emotional trigger that sets me deeper in to self hate.
I cannot even describe my feelings anymore.
I feel like I have been completely detached from everything. I feel like my friends are drifting apart, and that they cannot help me anymore. I feel like I don't matter to them. I feel so lonely.
I cannot face my everyday needs. I can barely get myself up in the mornings. I have zero strength to deal with socialization, even if it were those friends that I so grave for.
I cannot go to the story anymore, because I cannot muster the physical strength of going there, and having to say hello to random people who work there/ want to discuss about my adorable puppy.
I have become completely unable to feel love. I have men wanting to be with me, wanting to love me and support me, but I cannot even force myself to reflect even a tiny particle of the love they aim for me.
I cannot get myself interested about relationship, I cannot feel any urge to try and follow my primal urge to love, be loved and mate.
I feel absolutely nothing when I have sex. My sex drive is completely dead.
I feel that I cannot get over my breakup with my ex. I feel that he as simply moved on, become happy and perfect. I feel that he has made his life perfect by replacing me with the person who actually is right for him. And I cannot deal with that. The breakup was so sudden. I thought that we were perfect. I thought that we were going to last. And then suddenly we broke up, I was forced to move, and he has a new girlfriend. I feel like the world is moving on, but I'm tagging along. I'm so jealous it's killing me,
I have simply run out of any primal urge to keep on going, to keep fighting and to fucking SURVIVE.
I'm so done with everything.
I'm constantly doped over Antidepressants and sleeping medication, that I should be doped over them, dulled by them, but they do not work.
I'm so sad, so depressed all the time. There is a small part of me that is still trying to ask for help, any help, but the much bigger part of me just doesn't care anymore.
I have been in the spiral of depression for months now. My life has no content. I wake up somepoint during the day. I may loiter in bed for another hour or two, and I might force myself on the computer to check my mail and tumblr. Then I eat more medicine, and I go back to sleep.
I repeat this cycle day after day.
I feel like everything is pointless, and that I'm just drifting.
And then on time the thought of killing myself found it's way in to my mind.
after moths of not having any purpose at all, having the urge to kill myself seemed to fill my thoughts completely.
I have a purpose: My purpose for the day, make my will. Gather equipment to do the deed. Kill myself.
The pure thought filled me with so much CONTENT I had never felt BETTER.
I have a purpose! I have to kill myself.
I have googled about the methods, and I know exactly how I want to do it.
I just need a place. Where.
I have tried to get my thoughts off of it by doing all the things that I somehow couldn't do before: Get myself a fursuit. Meet people I had not met in months. Commission works.
I tried to get the small buzz of the things that I thought would still mean something for me.
I'm surprised by how little they mean to me in the end. I get a small happiness. I feel like I have finally done something I have been holding back all my life. I use the money on sudden mood purchases to just get the buzz. It doesn't last for long. But it's something.
I just feel like I have no control of my life anymore. I know that people are going to miss me. I know that I have friends. I have those men who love me. I have parents and family who adores me.
I just don't care anymore. I cannot bring myself to care how they feel when I'm gone. I simply do not think their opinion matters. I feel so bad, that I jut want some relieve.
After all I have been through, I think that I deserve it.
They don't get to say over what I want.
I feel like I have fought in a hard battle. I feel like I have been holding my fort for so long, protecting what is important, but I cannot protect myself against the last blow.
I feel like I'm the casualty that the war inside me has caused.
I think, that on the inside I'm already dead.
And when I say really depressed, I mean depressed enough to score 47/63 on depression test and enough to be sent on intensive treatment to prevent me from killing myself.
I just cant handle life anymore. I have completely turned incapable of taking care of myself and my earthy needs. I'm unable to go out and socialize, and I'm absolutely unable to feeling any other emotion except sadness, grief and detachment from my friends, life, and everything.
I cannot face everyday tasks anymore. I cannot read facebook or any other media anymore without finding some emotional trigger that sets me deeper in to self hate.
I cannot even describe my feelings anymore.
I feel like I have been completely detached from everything. I feel like my friends are drifting apart, and that they cannot help me anymore. I feel like I don't matter to them. I feel so lonely.
I cannot face my everyday needs. I can barely get myself up in the mornings. I have zero strength to deal with socialization, even if it were those friends that I so grave for.
I cannot go to the story anymore, because I cannot muster the physical strength of going there, and having to say hello to random people who work there/ want to discuss about my adorable puppy.
I have become completely unable to feel love. I have men wanting to be with me, wanting to love me and support me, but I cannot even force myself to reflect even a tiny particle of the love they aim for me.
I cannot get myself interested about relationship, I cannot feel any urge to try and follow my primal urge to love, be loved and mate.
I feel absolutely nothing when I have sex. My sex drive is completely dead.
I feel that I cannot get over my breakup with my ex. I feel that he as simply moved on, become happy and perfect. I feel that he has made his life perfect by replacing me with the person who actually is right for him. And I cannot deal with that. The breakup was so sudden. I thought that we were perfect. I thought that we were going to last. And then suddenly we broke up, I was forced to move, and he has a new girlfriend. I feel like the world is moving on, but I'm tagging along. I'm so jealous it's killing me,
I have simply run out of any primal urge to keep on going, to keep fighting and to fucking SURVIVE.
I'm so done with everything.
I'm constantly doped over Antidepressants and sleeping medication, that I should be doped over them, dulled by them, but they do not work.
I'm so sad, so depressed all the time. There is a small part of me that is still trying to ask for help, any help, but the much bigger part of me just doesn't care anymore.
I have been in the spiral of depression for months now. My life has no content. I wake up somepoint during the day. I may loiter in bed for another hour or two, and I might force myself on the computer to check my mail and tumblr. Then I eat more medicine, and I go back to sleep.
I repeat this cycle day after day.
I feel like everything is pointless, and that I'm just drifting.
And then on time the thought of killing myself found it's way in to my mind.
after moths of not having any purpose at all, having the urge to kill myself seemed to fill my thoughts completely.
I have a purpose: My purpose for the day, make my will. Gather equipment to do the deed. Kill myself.
The pure thought filled me with so much CONTENT I had never felt BETTER.
I have a purpose! I have to kill myself.
I have googled about the methods, and I know exactly how I want to do it.
I just need a place. Where.
I have tried to get my thoughts off of it by doing all the things that I somehow couldn't do before: Get myself a fursuit. Meet people I had not met in months. Commission works.
I tried to get the small buzz of the things that I thought would still mean something for me.
I'm surprised by how little they mean to me in the end. I get a small happiness. I feel like I have finally done something I have been holding back all my life. I use the money on sudden mood purchases to just get the buzz. It doesn't last for long. But it's something.
I just feel like I have no control of my life anymore. I know that people are going to miss me. I know that I have friends. I have those men who love me. I have parents and family who adores me.
I just don't care anymore. I cannot bring myself to care how they feel when I'm gone. I simply do not think their opinion matters. I feel so bad, that I jut want some relieve.
After all I have been through, I think that I deserve it.
They don't get to say over what I want.
I feel like I have fought in a hard battle. I feel like I have been holding my fort for so long, protecting what is important, but I cannot protect myself against the last blow.
I feel like I'm the casualty that the war inside me has caused.
I think, that on the inside I'm already dead.
I was going to write some impressive long-winded speech about how awesome life is, but, you'd probably get bored reading it. I call myself a writer, ha! I can't write for shit.
Death isn't as great as the movies make out y'know. It's bloody. It's painful. There isn't any release of joy, only nothingness.
You were once a kid right? Full of life and full of love? Where did it go? Don't say you don't know, cos' you do; you know what's happened, you've been in your own life from the get-go. Go back in time, dial back the clock, and remember your potential. Your life may suck, but you don't. Your life may be shit, but shit's fertile, and you deserve better. You want that right? To have happiness, meaning, passion, purpose?
Maybe you think you don't, but you do. Why else would you tell the whole world about your sorrows?
"...Because I'm saying goodbye..."
Pah! Your saying goodbye because you still care, deep down, and you know it but you can't say it cos' to do so would mean hope, and hope's fucking hard to swallow. Easier to reject it. Easier to avoid facing the pain of not having something that you desperately need.
To say that your life is shit isn't really fair; it's not your life that's shit, it's society. It's your surroundings. It's all the pointless bullshit you have to put up with. In our society the ills that people face are atomized and isolated, and if your life sucks? "That's your own fault, not mine". Well that's BS.
You say you don't feel alive, yet I know you have hope deep down. Take that hope! Take that suppressed anger, that anguish, that despair at how dystopian everything is and shove it in society's face! Scream if you have to! Run! Throw a brink through a window! Anything, anything other than letting the world kill you silently.
...
You know what? I'm a drifter too. I haven't done anything in over three years. I've got severe social anxiety and mild depression, with hyperhidrosis and a host of body image issues. I'm also unhealthy as fuck and thanks to a perfectionism-procrastination cycle can't do anything at all. I have zero self-confidence and hardly any self-esteem. I don't have any educational qualifications. I dropped out of high school, my mother is mentally ill, and my grandma died last year from facial cancer. I've lost friends, made mistakes, gambled money and gotten into thousands of dollars of debt.
But you know what? I know I'm capable of more, so I don't ever give up. I know there's better out there, emotionally and physically, so I don't ever give up. I know I'm loved by some, even if hated by others, and I know there's always others to help. So I don't commit suicide. I act with bravery, and ask for help instead.
Just like you.
....
Cheer up! I may be on the opposite side of the Earth, but I'm going through similar; and if I can survive, so can you. Resistance! Solidarity! We can have better than this shit.
Just don't kill yourself 'kay? Cos' then you'll miss the party, and you're a guest of honor ;>
I was committed to hospital care for a week after this message. I'm now waiting for an opening in day hospital which will help me deal with everyday life.
I feel like I want to live and make impact. I want to thrive and success, but my mental strenght is too weary. I hope that the future hospital treatment will teach me to survive, even if for the most basic needs.
I feel like your comment really pushes me forward. I'm so glad that you took the time to answer me. I really cannot press enough the matter of how much I respect your comment. I really love you for coming here, grasping me from my neck, and yelling "Live goddamnit, live the life you have been given!".I really cant press enough how grateful I am for your cheering words.
I have been so sad since I broke up with my ex. When we were still together I thought we were so much in love. I was especting a ring, a future with children and all that jazz, but suddenly he broke up with me saying that he felt like we were better off just friends. I was homeless for a week and after that one week I had managed to move in a new apartment and my ex was living together with one of my best friends. I feel like he and his new girlfriend are living the life that I feel like was supposed to be my life. I'm living alone in a flat with my many pets, my friends don't take contact, and I'm drowning in all of the sad thoughts that my brain keeps bringing up.
I really hope that I can simply move on from all these changes in my life, but I seem to be stuck.
At least your support makes me want to seek medical care, and try fight this depression. I feel like I have been forced under water, and I have no idea if I have enough oxygen to swim to the surface. But I now realise that no matter what, I have to try. Staying still under constantly changing waters is no use.
I cannot press how thankful I am, but I swar that your words are not in vain.
I wish you good luck and blessed life. I wish you everything that is good.
I hope that you can deal with your own personal demons, because to me, you are a godsent!
Thank you so much.