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Excuses are lame
12 years ago
I should probably start this off by saying, this might get a little wordy. So if you find yourself thinking, "TLDR", Skip down to the end, I'll summarize. I don't like to make excuses. I think excuses are kinda lame, and that action speaks louder than apology. But, I also feel that I owe a lot of people an explanation. So I will go into some of the reasons that I have not been active lately in the furry community or here on FA. I don't want this to come off like a laundry list of bullshit reasons and half-ass excuses. Nor do I want pity or attention. The main thing that I am hoping to achieve in writing this is to avoid resentment and absolve any tension that might be brewing. The following is a list of reasons I have not been active lately.
~A storm caused a tree to fall on my house. Though damage was not extensive, my insurance policy was up for renewal and they threatened to drop me basically by refusing to renew my insurance. If my house is not insured, the bank can and likely would default on my loan, and I would lose my house. I was told "it would be in my best interest not to file a claim".
~My truck suffered $1,656 worth of damages, which my insurance refused to cover. That money came out of pocket.
~A new casino has been built in my city, and for almost 6 months I spent a lot of time viciously pursuing a Security Supervisor job there. The shitty thing is, it was probably the closest I'll ever get to being able to have provided a comfortable life for my mate. I worked previously for the guy who was head of security at this new casino. I have seven years in the security industry, 5 years of which were security surveillance at a casino under previously mentioned head of security. And I'm a 4.0 Criminal Justice major who's not that far off from his Bachelor's. I REALLY thought I was going to get this job and be making the kind of money I never really thought I would see. I was crushed to find out, despite "favors" that were on the table, that I did not get chosen for that position.
~As some of you may know, I have preexisting health issues. I have been hospitalized multiple times, battling an infection that has almost taken my right leg. My leg was injured once when my street was flooded, and I got a cut on my leg while trying to help neighbors. The cut got infected, spread in the form of cellulitis, and due to being overweight, the infection just about took my entire right leg. Ever since then, my right leg has been prone to cysts and becomes easily infected. I have been told too many times, "You're going to die if you don't get the weight off". Louisiana State University Hospital has been privatized, and this training hospital was previously my only option for health care. So with no health insurance, no health care, and no LSU, if my leg gets infected again, I could feasibly die. Because of this, I have spent at least 2 hours of every day, literally every day, for the past 5 months at the local YMCA exercising. The bad news is, this eats a large portion of my time. The good news, I can roll up a frying pan like a newspaper, and I've lost about 40 pounds. Although excess skin is slowly becoming an issue.
~For the second time, my mate has had corporate America spit in his face. For the second time this year, he put in for a promotion and had a really good chance for becoming a manager in a department he's been working in for over 2 years. He had manager experience, he had the qualifications, and he had the background for it. His HR manager looked him in the face, and told him "you're perfect for what we need for the position, but we have this unwritten rule...". Basically, even though he works 40+ hours most weeks, he's on the books as a part-time employee. This is mostly so they can fuck him out of insurance, vacation, and sick days. But they have a policy about only having the Team Leads be full-time, and that they would have to promote him to a Team Lead when the opportunity arises, and "groom" him to be a manager. This basically translates into, "You're not in the clique, so fuck you." This comes at a bad time, due to financial burdens we are currently suffering. My mate was emotionally crushed, and I've had to be there to support him emotionally.
~My roommate lost his job and there was about a 3 month period where we were gradually building debt due to a lack of income. Though we did not go into the hole, it exhausted ALL of our savings, putting us in debt once the issue of the truck and the roof arose.
~I have become involved in a bit of unpleasant business in acquiring the money to fix my vehicle. It's a situation that I don't want to go into too much detail about, however, what was originally supposed to be a favor for a favor, has turned into a fiasco. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do at this point but roll over and play bitch until I am no longer an "indentured servant" to said individual. Pro Tip: Never borrow money.
Now I would like to take a moment and discuss where it is I feel I have failed. After multiple times of proclaiming a comeback, I feel like I've damned myself, and that any words that I say to said effect will fall hollow. When I attempted to raise the money to fix my computer, I took on way more work than I should have and I accepted way more money than I should have. I took on too many commissions and while I did work on commissions, livestreaming them every day for a week or so, it didn't take long for life to say "fuck you". Granted, I was charging a 4th of what I would normally charge in a lot of cases, I still took on too big of a workload that bottle-necked and eventually fucked me. But let me say this now, ALL OUTSTANDING PAID COMMISSIONS WILL BE COMPLETED. The problem lies within the fact that I'm not a very good artist. I have no formal training. And for me to do the kind of work that people expect and to have the quality of work that I would expect for myself, I have to sit down at my computer uninterrupted and have about 4 hours to myself to finish a piece. I'm no good at putting something down and picking it up later and working on it. If I work in small spurts, it usually just comes out crap. These are my faults as an artist, if I was able to keep practiced, if I was more skilled, or maybe if I was less neurotic, this wouldn't be the case. But long story short, I'm lame. And when I do something that looks good, I usually got lucky. Recently in my life I've had a whole lot of crap handed to me, the kind of stuff that's like a live grenade, that if you don't take care of right now, it blows up in your fucking face. And I've dropped the ball in a lot of places. I'm sorry for putting the furry community, my friends, the people who care about me, the people who care about my art, and the people I owe stuff to on the back burner. It was shitty, and I shouldn't have done it. I just have something wrong with me, this thing where I do something 100% or not at all. It's been one of the biggest sources of grief in my life, as well as the reason for what few successes I've achieved. I'm sure if I went to a head doctor, he would probably diagnose me with some sort of obsessive something-or-other. But again, we are in the realm of excuses, and I hate excuses. So let me say this, for everyone who cares or has a vested interest, I am sorry. I will not go on and on about how sorry I am, as it is demeaning to you and the value of the apology. Instead, let my actions show my intent to do better, and give value to said apology.
Going forward from here, it is my intention to try to livestream for about 3-5 hours every other day. Right now, it looks like this would happen either week days, some time after about 7 pm, or week days sometime around 10 am. If possible, I will try to devote a day of the weekend, likely Sunday afternoon, to streaming. Thank you all for your understanding in the things that I have no control over, and I hope you will be able to accept my apologies for those things that I did.
~A storm caused a tree to fall on my house. Though damage was not extensive, my insurance policy was up for renewal and they threatened to drop me basically by refusing to renew my insurance. If my house is not insured, the bank can and likely would default on my loan, and I would lose my house. I was told "it would be in my best interest not to file a claim".
~My truck suffered $1,656 worth of damages, which my insurance refused to cover. That money came out of pocket.
~A new casino has been built in my city, and for almost 6 months I spent a lot of time viciously pursuing a Security Supervisor job there. The shitty thing is, it was probably the closest I'll ever get to being able to have provided a comfortable life for my mate. I worked previously for the guy who was head of security at this new casino. I have seven years in the security industry, 5 years of which were security surveillance at a casino under previously mentioned head of security. And I'm a 4.0 Criminal Justice major who's not that far off from his Bachelor's. I REALLY thought I was going to get this job and be making the kind of money I never really thought I would see. I was crushed to find out, despite "favors" that were on the table, that I did not get chosen for that position.
~As some of you may know, I have preexisting health issues. I have been hospitalized multiple times, battling an infection that has almost taken my right leg. My leg was injured once when my street was flooded, and I got a cut on my leg while trying to help neighbors. The cut got infected, spread in the form of cellulitis, and due to being overweight, the infection just about took my entire right leg. Ever since then, my right leg has been prone to cysts and becomes easily infected. I have been told too many times, "You're going to die if you don't get the weight off". Louisiana State University Hospital has been privatized, and this training hospital was previously my only option for health care. So with no health insurance, no health care, and no LSU, if my leg gets infected again, I could feasibly die. Because of this, I have spent at least 2 hours of every day, literally every day, for the past 5 months at the local YMCA exercising. The bad news is, this eats a large portion of my time. The good news, I can roll up a frying pan like a newspaper, and I've lost about 40 pounds. Although excess skin is slowly becoming an issue.
~For the second time, my mate has had corporate America spit in his face. For the second time this year, he put in for a promotion and had a really good chance for becoming a manager in a department he's been working in for over 2 years. He had manager experience, he had the qualifications, and he had the background for it. His HR manager looked him in the face, and told him "you're perfect for what we need for the position, but we have this unwritten rule...". Basically, even though he works 40+ hours most weeks, he's on the books as a part-time employee. This is mostly so they can fuck him out of insurance, vacation, and sick days. But they have a policy about only having the Team Leads be full-time, and that they would have to promote him to a Team Lead when the opportunity arises, and "groom" him to be a manager. This basically translates into, "You're not in the clique, so fuck you." This comes at a bad time, due to financial burdens we are currently suffering. My mate was emotionally crushed, and I've had to be there to support him emotionally.
~My roommate lost his job and there was about a 3 month period where we were gradually building debt due to a lack of income. Though we did not go into the hole, it exhausted ALL of our savings, putting us in debt once the issue of the truck and the roof arose.
~I have become involved in a bit of unpleasant business in acquiring the money to fix my vehicle. It's a situation that I don't want to go into too much detail about, however, what was originally supposed to be a favor for a favor, has turned into a fiasco. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do at this point but roll over and play bitch until I am no longer an "indentured servant" to said individual. Pro Tip: Never borrow money.
Now I would like to take a moment and discuss where it is I feel I have failed. After multiple times of proclaiming a comeback, I feel like I've damned myself, and that any words that I say to said effect will fall hollow. When I attempted to raise the money to fix my computer, I took on way more work than I should have and I accepted way more money than I should have. I took on too many commissions and while I did work on commissions, livestreaming them every day for a week or so, it didn't take long for life to say "fuck you". Granted, I was charging a 4th of what I would normally charge in a lot of cases, I still took on too big of a workload that bottle-necked and eventually fucked me. But let me say this now, ALL OUTSTANDING PAID COMMISSIONS WILL BE COMPLETED. The problem lies within the fact that I'm not a very good artist. I have no formal training. And for me to do the kind of work that people expect and to have the quality of work that I would expect for myself, I have to sit down at my computer uninterrupted and have about 4 hours to myself to finish a piece. I'm no good at putting something down and picking it up later and working on it. If I work in small spurts, it usually just comes out crap. These are my faults as an artist, if I was able to keep practiced, if I was more skilled, or maybe if I was less neurotic, this wouldn't be the case. But long story short, I'm lame. And when I do something that looks good, I usually got lucky. Recently in my life I've had a whole lot of crap handed to me, the kind of stuff that's like a live grenade, that if you don't take care of right now, it blows up in your fucking face. And I've dropped the ball in a lot of places. I'm sorry for putting the furry community, my friends, the people who care about me, the people who care about my art, and the people I owe stuff to on the back burner. It was shitty, and I shouldn't have done it. I just have something wrong with me, this thing where I do something 100% or not at all. It's been one of the biggest sources of grief in my life, as well as the reason for what few successes I've achieved. I'm sure if I went to a head doctor, he would probably diagnose me with some sort of obsessive something-or-other. But again, we are in the realm of excuses, and I hate excuses. So let me say this, for everyone who cares or has a vested interest, I am sorry. I will not go on and on about how sorry I am, as it is demeaning to you and the value of the apology. Instead, let my actions show my intent to do better, and give value to said apology.
Going forward from here, it is my intention to try to livestream for about 3-5 hours every other day. Right now, it looks like this would happen either week days, some time after about 7 pm, or week days sometime around 10 am. If possible, I will try to devote a day of the weekend, likely Sunday afternoon, to streaming. Thank you all for your understanding in the things that I have no control over, and I hope you will be able to accept my apologies for those things that I did.
I have to be honest and say that for a small period, I was worried that you had run away with everyone's money and would never return.
However, it's clear that even though you've got half the world on your shoulders, you've still got some guts and integrity.
Life throws us inevitably terrible curveballs, my friend - I've surely had a few. I can only sympathise with what you're going through.
Make sure to keep healthy, keep your head up, and keep looking and moving forward. There's a light at the end of a tunnel somewhere.
I'm looking forward to my commission someday, but don't kill yourself over getting it done RIGHT NOW --- you've got a lot else on your plate.
Be well, man.
And for the record, I would never say your art is "lame", not would I say you get lucky. I love your style!
Focusing on RL is always most important, and while you have made a commitment to supply the artwork you've been commissioned for, don't let that stress you from making your life the best it can be. There will be time for that once things have eventually settled.
And as others have said, you are far from lame. You not only have a very distinctive style, but the images that you create are wonderful in both quality and content. Your artwork fills a niche that is relatively unique within this community and this would be a much lesser place without all that you have done.
So, let me take this moment to thank you. For all the time and effort you have put in to bringing joy and entertainment to our own lives, while you have been living through such trying times yourself.
Thank you, and hang in there.
I get having a feeling of responsibility to your commissioners, but aside from that, you don't need to make excuses. Life happens, and all you can do is respond to it. I'm sure those with outstanding commissions will understand that you've had difficulties, and you've promised to meet your obligation besides.
I just hope that things improve for you.
As for what you said about "not being a good artist"... Let me tell you something. Several years ago, when I first saw your work (over at FurryWAM, I think), I said to myself, "Wow, that guy's got more skills than the rest of us here put together!" It was my greatest dream to have a piece drawn by you. You can't imagine my delight when you not only agreed to do a trade with me, but you were so enthusiastic about it. Since then, both of us have grown as artists, and I am really happy to call you not only a "colleague", but a very dear friend. It means NOTHING whether you have had formal training or not. What matters is your own attention to detail and your own style, and you have both in great supply. You have absolutely no need to be hard on yourself.
In terms of the actual commissions, let's talk sometime. I've had some thoughts on the one I put in with you, and I'd like to discuss them. But I want you to know that I'm -NOT- rushing anything. I don't want you ripping out your hair for me.
Lots of love, my friend. Hang in there, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know where to find me. I'm always here for you.
Your friend,
~Susi
I'll admit that I was worried about what was going on, and thought perhaps you were pulling a "disappearing act" with people's money, but that was just due to notes getting ignored x3. I wasn't trying to push for things to get done, and I don't think you should pressure/force yourself when things are so bad, I was just looking for answers...which have been given here!
I am patient, and am not worried about how long things take, heck, I knew you were cutting the prices drastically, to try and get some money from commissions, and felt a bit guilty to "take advantage" of that. But oh well, anyways, it is good that you are "facing" these problems, and at least letting us know about them. A community is there to try and help each other, and maybe that can be the case for you.
I just hope that the troubles you have been dealing with lighten up for you, and you can find some peace and time for yourself again, and for your mate as well!