As some of you know, I've not been
a very happy bunny for the longest
time. Have been fighting (mostly
unsuccessfully) clinical depression
all of my life. There are days when
I'd cheerfully put a bullet through
my head just to make the pain stop.
I'm on a couple of anti depressants
that seem to only have slight effect
and my shrink is loath to put me
on anything else because she's
worried how it will interact with all the
other crap I'm taking.

It wasn't suppose to be like this. We
were born to be happy and to make
others happy as well, at least that's
what I was told as a child. Where did
it all go wrong and why did it have to
happen to me? I can't think why a
loving creator would want to screw me
up as badly as he has. THey say
God is perfect and incapable of error,
don't you believe it. Look at my screwed
up psyche and you'll know he can
fuck things up as badly as the next
bloke. Worse actually, because my
screw ups just affect me. HIS screw ups
can affect everyone.

When I was drinking five and a half
liters of scotch a week I wasn't happy,
but I was at least numb and that was
alright. Numb is almost as good as being
pain free and I could accept being like
that if it wasn't for the side-effects.

I think the closest I've ever been to
feeling good about the world and myself
was back in the late 60's when a friend
brought back some opiated hashish from
Cambodia. Awsome stuff, that. Left me feeling
truly at peace with the world and myself.

Too bad I can't pop down to the corner
Chemist whenever I'm feeling low and
have a pipe or two. I'd feel ever so much
better and perhaps my tomorrows would
seem less bleak. Oh well, it's not going
to happen so why fret over what you can
never have.

Life sucks. Sometimes it swallows and
sometimes it just spits it back in your
face and laughs....