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How I want to love him.
12 years ago
I am fine now. I have things mostly resolved. Turns out my boy was afraid our relationship was moving to fast. I did not realize it at first but the way I loved him was only going to hurt the both of us.
I remember a metaphor from some book, I think it is called Like Water for Chocolate. Passion and lust make act like a hot fire, they consume everything quickly. Soon there is nothing left but ashes.
However if a fire were slow enough it could conceivably go on forever.
I'll admit, when it comes to him yes I want him, but if we become sex hungry beasts now and suddenly we hate each other. What kind of long term relationship is that? It is exactly what I have become infamous for, a quick lay. Here is the thing about obsidianfox6336, I do care for him.
What did I learn this summer? Well let me explain it like this. I have worked for may years researching wolves and understanding them. I swore to myself years ago that I would one day work with wolves. It took me at least four years to make it. I have loved every minute of my summer working with wolves. My goal was done and I felt empty. It took a long time but it was worth it.
Now I also found this awesome fox who I fell for, and when I got to meet him face to face I fell hard. Now he did not tell me this right out, although I wish he would have. When we spent our one night together it was cute, but he was right, I was wrong. I made the wrong assumptions and we both surpassed the boundaries of what we should have done.
Thing is we both started going on a path that would have led us into lust, and then tragic loss.
He saw this before I did and preemptively acted completely shutting me out. The thing is, until I had time to reason this out I was acting too desperate. We were desperate to settle our sexual urges but defining a long lasting relationship with sex is stupid.
The thing is, with
I don't want sex, I want the man. He is everything I could ask in a mate. I'll admit I now share his fear of moving too fast. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to loose him. Yet I refuse to be his lust driven stalker. If he'll have me, I could have him in my life indefinitely. To be blatantly honest I could see him being my husband in the future, and I feel really silly saying that.
I can only hope he feels the same. I hope that he does.
I will have to treat this like i did for attaining my job with the wolves. It will take a lot of time and a lot of work to span the distance between us. It gives me a good long time to work on myself (my body, my life, my work, ect.). I truly do want to be the man he deserves.
Should he ever see this, i hope he understands.
From what I can tell he, wants to go further and he has not given up on me. Rather, he is afraid of wrecking what we have. Why? I hope it has all the happy implications but as of now I do not know.
Yes communication is key to a relationship, but as far as I can tell he has not given up on me. If he does, he needs to grow the balls to come and tell me directly and not hide behind blocking. I am forced to assume that he means the best.
Like he asked, I will take this slow.
Even though he has blocked my communication with him, please do not message him or send this journal as a note this time. If anyone does notes or shouts this to him I will personally spay, or neuter you, then he will hunt you down and burn you. He needs needs the time to sort this out himself.
I am only sad because I did not get to ask him two questions seeing as I was packing and moving to college.
Nið, Do you care for me? Do you want to love me? I trust as my friend you will find this and see it yourself, and answer truthfully. If you do not care you will ignore this and never see it, and never respond.
Oh and Nið, just to let you know. All of those notes and shouts were not me trying hard. One day I'll tell you what I would have really done if I was trying. Regretfully, I was just desperate to get you to tell me why you ignored me. Though, next time please find a more mature, less abrupt way of getting some space. It really did sting.
but now i am off, Thank you friends for all of your help and support during these dark days. I know the role i must play, ad rest assured that he is still my goal in life. All we did was take our relationship a few steps back and one day I hope I can hold my fox again.
I remember a metaphor from some book, I think it is called Like Water for Chocolate. Passion and lust make act like a hot fire, they consume everything quickly. Soon there is nothing left but ashes.
However if a fire were slow enough it could conceivably go on forever.
I'll admit, when it comes to him yes I want him, but if we become sex hungry beasts now and suddenly we hate each other. What kind of long term relationship is that? It is exactly what I have become infamous for, a quick lay. Here is the thing about obsidianfox6336, I do care for him.
What did I learn this summer? Well let me explain it like this. I have worked for may years researching wolves and understanding them. I swore to myself years ago that I would one day work with wolves. It took me at least four years to make it. I have loved every minute of my summer working with wolves. My goal was done and I felt empty. It took a long time but it was worth it.
Now I also found this awesome fox who I fell for, and when I got to meet him face to face I fell hard. Now he did not tell me this right out, although I wish he would have. When we spent our one night together it was cute, but he was right, I was wrong. I made the wrong assumptions and we both surpassed the boundaries of what we should have done.
Thing is we both started going on a path that would have led us into lust, and then tragic loss.
He saw this before I did and preemptively acted completely shutting me out. The thing is, until I had time to reason this out I was acting too desperate. We were desperate to settle our sexual urges but defining a long lasting relationship with sex is stupid.
The thing is, with
I don't want sex, I want the man. He is everything I could ask in a mate. I'll admit I now share his fear of moving too fast. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to loose him. Yet I refuse to be his lust driven stalker. If he'll have me, I could have him in my life indefinitely. To be blatantly honest I could see him being my husband in the future, and I feel really silly saying that.I can only hope he feels the same. I hope that he does.
I will have to treat this like i did for attaining my job with the wolves. It will take a lot of time and a lot of work to span the distance between us. It gives me a good long time to work on myself (my body, my life, my work, ect.). I truly do want to be the man he deserves.
Should he ever see this, i hope he understands.
From what I can tell he, wants to go further and he has not given up on me. Rather, he is afraid of wrecking what we have. Why? I hope it has all the happy implications but as of now I do not know.
Yes communication is key to a relationship, but as far as I can tell he has not given up on me. If he does, he needs to grow the balls to come and tell me directly and not hide behind blocking. I am forced to assume that he means the best.
Like he asked, I will take this slow.
Even though he has blocked my communication with him, please do not message him or send this journal as a note this time. If anyone does notes or shouts this to him I will personally spay, or neuter you, then he will hunt you down and burn you. He needs needs the time to sort this out himself.
I am only sad because I did not get to ask him two questions seeing as I was packing and moving to college.
Nið, Do you care for me? Do you want to love me? I trust as my friend you will find this and see it yourself, and answer truthfully. If you do not care you will ignore this and never see it, and never respond.
Oh and Nið, just to let you know. All of those notes and shouts were not me trying hard. One day I'll tell you what I would have really done if I was trying. Regretfully, I was just desperate to get you to tell me why you ignored me. Though, next time please find a more mature, less abrupt way of getting some space. It really did sting.
but now i am off, Thank you friends for all of your help and support during these dark days. I know the role i must play, ad rest assured that he is still my goal in life. All we did was take our relationship a few steps back and one day I hope I can hold my fox again.
Your bro forever Akamaru