I don’t normally do this but I figured it would let everybody understand, not justify, but understand just exactly what has been going on these past months I have been away.
I guess I’ll start at the beginning, roughly just over a year ago.
I moved back in with my father literally the day I finished my End of Year exhibition at college. My reasons were that he had told me he had cancer and was receiving chemotherapy, unfortunately I now no longer know if this is true or not as I have been told many things since. Point is at the time I believed my father had that horrible disease that usually means the absolute worst. I cried so much when he told me; I even had to tell my lecturers as I couldn’t keep it together at college. As it turned out the lecturer who I had confided in was going through a similar situation, his wife had a very aggressive cancer which was terminal.
I found out that my granddad had asbestos induced cancer in his lungs around the same time – he was exposed in his fire fighting days.
Anyway! I moved back to Dads to help out, do housework and help pay bills in the little way I could. At the time I was on Job Seekers allowance and had very little income as it was. Dad’s attitude quickly changed when I was fully moved in again. He decided I had to pay him rent. £150 at first. In the first week everything was happy (despite having a mattress on the floor to sleep on and not much food it was still home), I gave him the money, he bought a little food but then after that he kept spending long periods of time staying at women’s houses (couldn’t tell you how many, he usually had two or more on the go – my mom split with him just before I moved to college in the city). Now this was all fine at first but after him spending a week away things were beginning to run out. I thought ok, Dads going through a hard time so you have to buck up and get shiz while he is not here. After about another two weeks of this happening ‘rent day’ was approaching and despite buying the cheapest food I could (soup, bread and cheapy noodles) and putting the minimum I could on gas and electric I couldn’t afford to give Dad ‘rent money’.
I had to part with my wolf link quadsuit fairly quickly and despite being attached to him I thought that it was ok because he was going to a better home (Sharpe19). He sold for just enough to pay rent for the second month and get food and gas/electric to last till my next pay.
Situation quickly went worse (fast forward a few months) as increasingly my dad expected me to pay more and more. I was receiving £225 a month at this point; my dad was making me pay him the £150, £80 for food, £50 gas, £80 electric plus whatever travel I had to do (I often found myself walking the 3miles to the next town for things). Now the maths on that didn’t include my phone; internet or my Dads phone (yes I was paying my Dad’s phone bill too... because I was too bloody kind...) £30 my phone; £16 internet and £50 Dads phone. So the maths was £225 coming in and £456min going out. Honestly I was doomed from the start.
Even though my mom (who at that point I was just barely convinced that she wasn’t actually the horrible wretch I thought she was – parents splitting messes with your head) had offered me her a place free of charge if things got difficult I thought things would turn out fine...
I turned to payday loans – stupidly – to help. Ok the first two months of that but then went bad. All the while I was looking for work anywhere I could, even signing myself up for any and every training program I could get on.
I had accepted commissions at this point and while it was a slow start things were looking up again. I managed to get the loan sorted and get my dad his two months of rent (he went and got a £200 leather bike jacket... didn’t put any gas or lek in the meter, didn’t get food...).
Slowly construction started and then I was flying ahead, things were good – not brilliant but good. Arguments then started becoming more frequent about the ‘mess’ of fursuits and how I never tidied, did no housework and never paid him ‘rent’ were becoming more and more. I brought up how he no longer actually lived in his house, never paid any bills and yet expected me to pay them, it was mind boggling!
I finally managed to find a job (I cried that day too, was really happy despite it being a temporary job) at a local call centre thanks to my mum. Thankfully this job only lasted just under two months. It heralded the 4 bus to work, 4 bus home and 6/7hrs of commuting each day for a place that was a 30min drive away! I had to stop suit work because literally all I was doing was making the arduous journey to work, working and then making the trek back only to fall asleep and wake up again! On my days off I would make bread (couldn’t afford to buy bread at first, I lived on cheapy noodles and tea until my first wage came in) and do a little suit work.
My Dad would come home on days I hadn’t had the time to tidy to tell me how lazy I was, never did anything or paid anything, how I was filthy and dirty and should just go live with my mom (working a 11hr shift with 6/7hr commute doesn’t leave much time for tidying things...). As such I developed a minor problem with alcohol, low self esteem and more pronounced depression (which I have had in varying degrees throughout my life).
After my contract with the call centre ended things were ok for a couple of weeks, I still had my problems and Dad was still being a general douche but I was making shiz and doing videos again.
I kept wishing my Dad would just leave me alone, or at the very least stop living with other women and actually live in his own house and pay his own bills. I confronted him, saying how unhappy I was and how I couldn’t afford to keep paying him and that my job was only for a month, about how he never actually lived in his house anymore nor paid for it. He threw it back in my face ‘Oh boo-hoo Sarah’s not f****** happy? Well guess what? I don’t give a f****** s***’ were his exact words before he walked away to go to his current girlfriends house. To say I was devastated was tame to say the least.
The next morning he came back and stormed up to my bedroom where I was asleep. Wrenched me out of bed by the arm, we argued so much and ending in him slapping me so hard he gave me a concussion and I temporarily blacked out. He left shortly after my brother prying him away from me (bro was visiting) and telling him to leave. I never thought before that he would hit me like that; sure we got the belt and the baffie (slipper) when we were little if we were bad but I never thought anything else would happen.
I did the housework then slept for 3 days in pitch black, only waking for water and the toilet. My eyes were too sensitive to do much else other than give me the worst migraine I have had in a long time. Stupidly sleeping off a concussion...
This was roughly the end of November/ beginning of December time. By this time my Granddad’s cancer had overwhelmed him and he peacefully went in his sleep.
That year I spent my birthday with wine by myself, while I had my usual Skype chats and even had my special drunk-Skype-call buddy to chat with, I even treated myself to drunk eBay!
Arguments with my father continued but he had yet to do anything as violent again.
I managed to secure a work placement at a 4* hotel a few towns over and had high hopes of getting a job out of it, second two weeks in December and I was very hopeful. The result of one of the many training programs and initiatives I went on. After it, the owner sat me down and said he wanted me to come back under several conditions, all of which I could fulfil and I would start after my last training program had ended.
I spent my first Christmas in years at my Grandma’s and it was a welcome break. But things returned to arguing as soon as I got back.
I started my last training program with Springboard at the start of January. I made friends and studied, it was like being back at college again and while I had no free time I enjoyed it.
Mid January Dad hit me again while I was doing the dishes. We were arguing from different rooms and he came through and chopped my shoulder. He must have hit a nerve because I had shooting pains through that arm for a few days.
He left again shortly after that. I saw him every other couple of days and he started to buy food and lek/gas but the arguing got worse.
Last week of January this year we had another major argument, the worst. I had decided I would do my laundry and wash all the clothes I had going to charity and had just started sorting colours when dad came home demanding I tidied up. I refused saying I was doing my washing (I had yet to tell him I was planning on moving out the end of February. Turns out my brother had told him to ‘ease Dad’s mind’. He said he had had enough (by this point I was refusing to tidy up after my Dad or pay lek/gas (amazingly Dad had actually picked up the slack when I stopped so I thought things were okish, turbulent but okish). So he had had enough and it was time I had to go. He was sick of fursuit mess, my mess (a DTD on the floor.... sewing machine on table... a couple of dishes in the sink... wow!)
He grabbed my arm to try and physically throw me out of the house and I lost it. I screamed, he screamed. He smashed his fist on my face, burst my lip and cracked my head off the door and proceeded to try and drag me out. Being dazed and a dead weight didn’t help him anyway (and thankfully for me). When I came round properly there was more shouting and it ended in me locking myself in the bathroom so he couldn’t get to me. I phoned my mom who phoned the police. By the time they came my dad had segregated himself off with his current fancy of woman convincing her of what a devil child I was or some such lie – never had a woman look at me with such venom before.
Dad got carted away to the police station immediately (remember that family drama I talked about before in a previous journal?) and obviously the police can see bruises and scratches on my face, burst lip and puffy face. What I didn’t realise was there was huge lump on the back of my head from when my head hit the door. I though the first concussion was bad... the second was so bad I had to call in to the training program to get the next day off.
My mom came for me just after the police left. We spent a little time cramming as much as we could into her car because I wasn’t going back not after that...
My Dad admitted to two counts of assault against me that much I can say. As it stands I am not allowed to contact him in anyway. I still pay his phone (even though it doesn’t work for him anymore, I black listed it so alerts ping and it shuts down if he tries to put a sim in it – he refused to get it signed to his name and refused to pay for it).
After I got out of that house things got a lot better. I moved in with my sister and started making things again. I completed my training program and waited for a start date for my new job. I created Ayo (whom I am most proud of) and finally started work April first this year. I cried a lot I’ll admit because this job has made me so hopeful.
As soon as it started I was back to zero time, all work. There were issues with my training being inconsistent; ignorantly I got a few into trouble by doing what they said. One girl took up beef with me, being condescending and rude to me if I did anything wrong. Coming from the situation I had and having to stand up for myself almost daily naturally transferred over and I ended up getting myself in trouble.
Before I got my first wage I did a payday loan stupidly again (I had already spent the last 8 months before I moved going in and out of them as well).
Instead of drinking my problems away I ended up shopping buying food (which had gone back to being a luxury for me, now I could afford proper meals – no more noodles!!) and things for my cat. It’s how my aquarium started, I got obsessed!
With work taking up all of my time it got hard to do anything other than sleep going through motions coupled with extreme highs and lows was exhausting. One month I was so ill I went to work two days in a row with a fever, there isn’t anyone to cover me so ill or not I have to go in regardless. Hell even my cat got sick too.
Last month I had a nervous breakdown over shiz I thought I had gotten over that happened when I was underage many moons ago. Funny how they say things get better with time... I didn’t realise how good I am at letting things fester, I know I bottle things up but 14years is ridiculous...
I am starting counselling for that, was supposed to start on Monday this week but work made me work :/
Ah cat wants fed... brb been typing for 4hrs so far o.o
So counselling is due to start.
Aside from that my anxiety and moods are everywhere, constantly tired (I did promise an update so an all nighter it is).
I get up 5.30AM; leave 5.45AM to cycle 3.5miles to the next town for the first bus at 6.20AM that gets me to work for 6.45AM. Though I work till 3PM I frequently miss the 3.15PM bus because I am still serving, taking guests to rooms etc. Usually I get home about 6PM, have a bath, eat dinner and bed. My sister is working on drilling a better routine into me (she had the joy of witnessing my breakdown...) where I have about 4hrs free time a day to work of suit shiz.

In hindsight looking back I should have just moved back with my mom and not accepted commissions until I was on stable ground. I have all the materials but now little time. Mentally I am not fit at the moment and I can only hope people forgive me for going dead – while not intentional.
I am still on the payday loan now, that’s getting sorted slowly, you wouldn’t believe how much stress they heap on, seems so innocent at first.... I’ll be visiting the bank to talk things over (my motto ‘everything is shiny and nothing hurts’ is in overdrive just now, doesn’t help my anxiety when I get threats sent to me either)
Where I live I don’t have a very good internet signal (house is not on the voters roll so I can’t get broadband/landline either, we don’t have central heating either x.x) and I have just come out of two months of having my internet cut off because my provider refused to listen to me. I am actually typing this offline at the moment. Lapuchan blue-screened on my first version of this...

Remember when lapuchan broke guys? Well... he is still broke! Joyous!

I’ll be emailing everyone individually over the coming days. I have a few things to sell in order to ship some items out.
I must point out to everyone that I do NOT use notes and have not for some time. I do not appreciate anyone trying to contact me through means of my father (who ever that was I would hope they apologise as legally my father nor I are not allowed contact in any form).
To those concerned (and strictly ONLY those concerned) please send a current email address to my notes and I will email you back. It’s very hard to keep track of any information from notes and I get too many of the ‘how do you make this?’ or ‘can I buy XXX for X even though XXX is sold and no longer in your possession?’.

I am thinking of trying livestream each day what I do. While it won’t be a lot, it will get the ball rolling again for sure. What’s the opinion on this?

Ok it’s been 4.5hrs since I started this and I think I have typed enough for tonight and desperately need sleep. I have to visit the council in the morning x.x
After five pages and over 3000 words I bid you goodnight if you stuck with me thus far.
Night/Morning

Kura xxx



Actually fell asleep waiting for the internet to connect o.o