Those here who know me know I am the kind of person who tends to keep her emotions bottled up and pushed down as deep as they can go. I also do not like making my personal life any ones business but my own. But recent events have caused me to need to express what I am going through, the thoughts I am having. I need to get this out there, off my chest and out of my mind. So here I go;

The last 10 months we have been living in the apartment complex from hell. We have had to fight to get even the smallest repair done. We have been attacked 3 times by a neighbors dog and the complex's suggestion was to kick the dog the next time it comes at us. Rex and I are not the kind of people who like going to the office and complaining, if we have an issue we most likely fix it our self. But the AC not keeping Freon, leaking and not blowing any cool air into the master bedroom is not something we can fix. Nor is the refrigerator being off its hinges and not closing all the way. These are all issues we have had with our complex, these are all things we have had to put in multiple work orders in for and had to threaten to go to the owner just to get them to do anything about them.

Rex and I are on a tight budget and some moving plans of ours fell through so we were going to have to renew the lease at the complex from hell. We wanted to do so in the beginning of August but they told us we couldn't until September so we waited. Then after another issue with the AC and us having to put in 8 work orders and writing a letter to the owner they finally fix the AC that same day they drop off a letter notifying us they would not be renewing our lease and did not have to give us a reason why. So here we are 60 days before our lease runs out with nowhere to go and no money to even get us into a new place.

Lets add to all this my health has taken a turn. I am in a lot more pain and nothing is helping. I am seeing specialists after specialist, forking out copay after copay for what? More pain more pills that do nothing more tests that tell them nothing. Then I am given this treatment that is suppose to make my head pain go away and instead it has made it worse so so much worse. The people who are suppose to help you, are suppose to make you feel better are making things so much worse. I would love nothing more than to crawl into a whole and never come out, pretend this isn't my life and I don't have to deal with this all.

Lastly I made the mistake of trusting someone, of loving someone who lead me on, let me fall for them with no intention of being there to catch me. I trusted this person, I opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable all the while he just wanted 1 thing from me. He said he cared about me that he loved me and now I stand here looking like a fool while he just goes on with your life like nothing ever happened. I was his dirty little secret, something he could brag to the boys at work about. I was a conquest, an achievement and nothing more. 3 months he dragged this on leading me on. At any time he could have manned up and been honest but instead he kept letting me fall. I don't understand how someone can look you in the eye and just lie to you, feed me bull shit line after bull shit line and none of it be true. How could you sing to me in the car, hold my hand and dance with me, say everything I wanted to hear, needed to hear and then run back home with your tail between your legs once you realized I had actually fallen for you. How can someone sit there and tell me I am the best thing that ever happened to them but act like I am nothing more to them then an online friend. I feel like I have lost a part of who I am and they just get to go on with their life. I am the one standing here in tears, confused and lost. I've had something taken from me that is going to take a very long time to be back; my dignity. I wish I could go back in time and never have felt your touch, never have known your lips pressed to mine. I want to take back everything that has happened these last 3 months, maybe then I can look at my house and not see you everywhere. I can take a shower and not remember your arms wrapped around me, I can sit on my couch and not remember your lips pressed to mine or the sound of your heart beat as my head lay on your chest. I can't even lay in my bed without thoughts of our many conversations or tender moments that were shared.

You want to act like nothing happened between us and just go back to being friends. Do you really think that's an option now. You just don't get how much you've hurt me. I don't let people in, I put up walls to prevent shit like THIS from happening, but for you I let them down. I allowed you to walk to my heart no questions asked. I gave you my heart without a doubt in my mind because I thought you were different, thanks for proving me wrong. Thank you for reminding me why I have those walls and what they're meant to keep out. Thank you for showing me no matter how well you think you know someone you really don't.

I am so angry at myself for letting this happen for trusting you. I am so angry that you get to walk away from this like nothing happen. I am angry you're not hurting and crying yourself to sleep every night. I am angry that I don't cross your mind. I'm angry that this hurts so much and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I am angry that I am angry. But most of all I am angry that I can't stop loving you and that no matter how much this hurts I can't hate you. I am angry that given the choice I would do this all over again regardless of the pain and the tears. You have no idea what you've lost and what you could have had. I hope you find what you're looking for, I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you. I hope someday you find love and happiness you have been searching for.

I don't know what deity I have pissed off to have this major amount of shit dropped on me all at one time but I am sorry. I have officially reached my breaking point and I just don't know how much more I can take before I lose it. Everyone thinks I am so strong that I can just handle everything, well here's the reality I'm not that strong in fact I am actually very weak and right now you are all seeing me at my weakest.

TL;DR Can't take much more of this shit