It hurts. I try to hide it from everyone. 2 breakups from 2 great guys all because of me. All because of fears, confusion and keeping my mouth shut. Marxeen, if you guys know him great just please leave him alone. He has been hurt because of me. I did things to him I never should have done. We were at one point when we talked marriage. He wanted it so bad and what did I do??....I broke his heart, called him a monster and a nut job. I am sorry I made you this way. I pushed you away so much because I was stupid. It was all my fault I lied to you, I kept things from you and never really opened up as much as I should have. I broke Andy's heart as well. Even today during my lunch break I went to a quiet parking spot away from ppl on base and I cried. I weeped, cried, sobbed and moaned out loud in deep sadness. Even now I am crying. I told Andy how awful I am and how I hate myself. I do. I not only broke there hearts but mine too. I can not accept a mate for a long time. As much as I want someone close to me to love me like a mate I must push back. I actually blocked someone not long after I had broken up with Andy and he asked if he could be my mate. I was angry, mad and real upset by that. I told him after all I been thru you wanted to do that?!? I removed the block after I had cooled down and told him, " I over reacted. I wanted to be single for awhile and even rp mates scares me. Besides we don't know each other really well. I just wish you realize that breakup that I went thru does not equal getting back into relationship quickly again. Your 45 yrs old you should know that." The guy on his FA says he is 45 years old and yet his response was "Well my friends RP with me all the time and they don't care how old I am" ......Are you really fucking serious?!!? I didn't ask you about your age dumb ass. So this is my apology to him and to Andy. That I am sorry. I am suffering. That I am in pain and that eveyday I am struggling from my mistakes I made. Everyday or every other day...I am crying in my car away from everyone and keeping it all in so that I may suffer and punish myself in my tears and in my sorrow for what I have done to you both. For everyone else I am officially stating I am single and not interested in a relationship. Period. Don't come to me with this proposal or I will be happy to block you.