.... doesn't everyone have those thoughts?
I think like that all the time.
I can do what ever the fuck, and suddenly I'll pause for a moment and go, "if he (the guy that once raped me) shows up around that corner... what would I do?" then I wrap my fingers around the knife in my pocket and continue doing what I"m doing.

.... maybe we're both fucked up.

But see you WERE raped I have these weird fucked up thoughts about someone coming and raping me I don't know the fuck why either


ugh idk whats wrong with me any more

I used to think about it even before I got raped. I've never been killed before and I think about what would happen if I were to be murdered, or if someone where to come in and try to steal from my house and I were the only one home.

All of this comes around to one thing.
For one reason or another
you don't feel safe where you are.

I don't feel safe in my own house.
That is why I think about these things more often when I am at home.
you and I both need to find out... how to feel safe...

I guess that may be one sort of explanation. It is usually when I work night shift at hotel (only worker there at all!) and at my new apartment alone

ah loneliness...
the breeder of the best horror movies.

But I mean... Thinking of my mates death being before my eyes as a what if just was like idk I wanted to cry I really thought something's wrong with me.
If thought of like I get cancer he's not able to come to me and I die without ever seeing him
And I guess loneliness would not only play by working alone but also I live alone and have yet to ever meet my boyfriend in real life
I'm lonelier than I ever have been before
And I'm also like insane about having a child mostly because so many issues with having children before and like while I was still dating my current mate I thought of seriously getting knocked up with a random guy to get pregnant to finally have someone with me and wouldn't feel so useless and lonleh any more

puppies are good for companionship, or even adult dogs you can find at the pound.
but I know those thoughts too, I have a my Mate and I see him probably once or twice a week and when he leaves I'm always thinking about what it will be like if he were to die on his way home and I never get to see him again... or if I were to get pregnant and loose the baby... I mean you name it it's more than likely gone threw my head, but that all steams from the fact that I don't feel safe unless I am next to him.
that I always have this lingering feeling that my family is ultimately going to betray me (since they have done it before). And these things scare me, these things make me into the paranoid, easily startled person that I am.
and I don't like it.

I just had anothe done in split second didn't even get to fucking stop the thought
like I felt hot and thought of going outside cus it's cool outside right now and just sitting on the ground outside then in split second like thought someone coming up behind me like mom (but like in the thought I was looking at myself kinda like I was just someone else catching me sitting there) but the real me sitting down turned to look all the skin on my face was gone like my face had been scalpted WHAT THE FUCK like the thought happened in split second I didn't even get to stop it

That is also because you don't feel safe,
you feel unsafe and you fear that someone is going to take away what identifies you.

I wish I could get a dog but my apartment which is a piece of crap my mom shoved me into doesn't allow any pets
I have thought of losing our first child often... so many misscarrages.. still borns... I nearly came out dead I came out with the cord wrapped around my neck like a noose used to say I was supposed to be dead. because I was born early If born on time.. I would have died inside I guess

.. I don't even know what identifies me lol xD I at times don't have my own identity I don't have my own laugh I just seem to .. copy others around me its weird I do it with a lot of things if around others ill act like them jut when near them XD like even accents ive done that before

ugh I feel like im just so messed up still even tho u explained it in a way it would make sence lol

I was like that too.
the silent shadow of my friends.
it took getting raped and my family not doing anything about it that I took a year off into my own mind to find out more about myself. I decided I was not going to allow myself to jump every time a large car drove by, or when a man was walking behind me. It still scares me to have an adult male walk anywhere close to me and worse if he touches me without permission.
But ever since a man who not only towers over me but never takes his arm off me promised to protect me no matter what. I haven't had a panic attack.
pushing those ugly ideas out of your mind is hard... really hard..
but it is possible.
don't let it get as far as I did.
don't be weak like I was.

But you were raped
I feel like I have no excuse like I don't understand why im like how you are
yes my father did many inappropriate things to me that could have been considered molestation but I was never raped and I was still always a daddy girl
I just feel weird and im so tired of these weird thoughts
I wish I could get medicine to make this vivid horrid things I think to just go away...
I hope that the day my mate will finally get to come down to me to see me it will stop.. I wont feel so useless unneeded unidentified lonely
but I wont see him for we don't know how many years
hes still going through school in Canada and just started a new job and his family keeps taking all his money
im here in texas and only get to really talk to him on Thursday my only one day off from both jobs which Im going to have to start spending on finishing way over due yarn tails and then art because I need food ive been living for dollar tree stuff since shoved out first of this month and im beginning to get sick of it because all im eating is fucking dollar frozen burritos and ice creams lol

I was like this before the rape too.
it just got worse after.
I was also molested, (by my uncle who I am forced to be nice to every week when I see him), so Highfive for the sisterhood.
and because you've been under a lot of stress it's also a contributing factor in all of this.
maybe you should consider finding a room mate (preferably female) who is willing to take you in.

lol im sorry had to laugh at the highfiving for sisterhood of being molested I like how u laugh about it tho instead of being all butt hurt like others would)
I would but I just moved all my stuff into new place just got mom to cosign on ALL y bills so I don't have to pay lets see a $400 deposit a $350 deposit and a $450 desposit for electricity charter and at&t bills I would try and get someone to move in with me but its just one bedroom apartment and its a piece of poo lol I would let a friend moe in and split bills but yay no real life friends around me lol

that would probably be the best idea, and more so if they could help you with your tail making.
and yeah, i learned that laughing about that shit in my past is better than being bitter.
I mean, it doesn't change that it happened either way.
and I also use this way to tell more people about it, instead of preaching about it. I just say, "you know it happened to me, it was horrible, I'm still not over it but It doesn't rule me. and no one else should suffer, but if you have... bring it in." and here is where I offer safe hugs.

HUGS?! ^O^

yush... *opens arms* hugs ^w^

-hugs and nuzzles face into chest- -sighs- I don't remember having the last real life hug I had that wasn't an ackward one with my mother lol ont remember the last hug I liked lol

good comforting hugs are always far to rare and far between for people as weird as us.
that's sad but... at least we can find comfort in each other :)
Well I have to go to bed. It's almost 1 and I need to be up and walking around in about 4 hours.
so... if you ever need anything feel free to send me a note... *gives you one more hug for good measure*

ahhh mkay its almost 3am for me and... im at work till 8:30 xD
-hugs back- mkay baaaaaaaaai sleep good

I'll try.
bye bye

That's why I hate to go outside alone, I have the same kind of feelings too.

I'm glad others do this.... I seriously thought I was messed up

I have this all the time... even if my mom or friends are away for a long time I see them getting really hurt or killed and then that triggers an anxiety attack and then depression soon after... :/