:< If you need anything, note me.

I've had a few close scrapes with suicide myself and a lot of these thoughts sound familiar. Feel free to note me, if you'd like. Please also considering contacting the Samaritans if you feel the need to: phone 08457 90 90 90 or text 07725 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org. Be well and best wishes.

I wish I could give you the answers or help you need, but of course it's not that easy. I know how you feel though, I've felt it myself, I've been there/am there. One thing you could try is distracting yourself by doing things you enjoy, though I know that can be really hard. But at least you have a great deal of talent for something - drawing. Use that to your advantage. I only wish I was half as good as you at art, so don't let it go to waste. I know you think you suck at drawing (just like every other decent artist...) but do it anyway. Something that's helped me a little is to just stop caring. I've stopped thinking about how much I suck and how worthless and meaningless I am and all of the things I fail at and all of the ways I am wrong as much as I used to. I just stopped caring. Now I think "Okay yeah I'm worthless, so what? People think I'm weird/don't like me, so what? I failed at x, so what?" Everybody has flaws, everybody makes mistakes, but you gotta learn to forgive yourself for them, and don't blame yourself for things that are out of your control. The way I see it, if my life is so pointless then what does it matter if I'm a complete failure anyway? It doesn't change anything, it doesn't matter. Even if I was absolutely perfect and a genius it wouldn't make a difference to anything. Might as well embrace the miracle of being alive in the first place and whatever happens happens. I'll just wait for death to come when it's time. Just stop clinging to the thoughts about how bad you are. I just said f*ck everything and stopped caring. Of course that's not the best solution but it's the best I can do right now, so maybe it can help you a little since it seems other things you've tried aren't working so well. Just give yourself a break. Anyone you ask would tell you that you're a great person.

I am here if you need someone to talk to Fulpelt.
You have friends, and you need to remember that, we are here for you and we care.

Firstly, thank you kindly for the concern.
There's no need to worry. I've been feeling day-to-day sucidal lows for years. I'm too cowardly/aware to act on impulse, no matter the state of desperation. The most harm I can do is pull hairs and binge eat and cry out like this because it hurts so much.

I'm actually already in therapy at my community mental health centre for my depression/social anxiety/agoraphobia, that's partly why I feel so hopeless at the moment as I'm not improving and nothing is changing despite trying my absolute best and pushing myself to my limits. I still wake up and everything is the same hopeless, lonely and terrifying alien world where I exist meaninglessly, burdening people, offering nothing of comparative worth.

I haven't had a medical assessment for a long time but I'm fairly sure it's not any specific condition that causes the pain, it's likely just the tension caused by the seemingly endless mental trauma/ stress/ grief. I am going in for a general MOT/Spectrum test later this month, however.

I suppose I should ask, which came first, the unhappiness or the pain?

I am asking because I suffer from a number of physical pain issues and it has lead to bouts of depression and all those feelings you talk about. The only treatment I have found that has been truly effective for the mental issues has been riding horses. Before I started back into riding, I was just working and spending my weekends lonely and miserable since being painful made it hard to want to do anything. It hasn't help the physical problems but it has been a kick in the rump to get my health issues looked into.

It is also amazing how much having a horse around helps with the social anxiety issues I have. I have been in parades, dealt with hordes of cub scouts and mobs of museum goers, all with a horse by my side. As opposed to when I don't have a horse around...I have enough trouble going into a grocery store during regular people hours. Maybe look into a service animal to help you with the social anxiety.