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Being vulnerable for a bit.
12 years ago
My main spiritual problem right now is that I don't believe that Jesus is good.
Yes, I know he's good, and I know that everything He does and allows in our lives is out of His loving care and passion to see His people happy in His holiness.
But for me, somewhere along the line, I lost that sense of God's being there for me, that his goodness extends even to my circumstances.
As a result I've become afraid of almost everything to some regard, unable to take real risks (since that would involve confidence and trust and faith). In addition, I've developed green eyes of jealousy, since there's nothing more delicious to a coveting heart than comparing one situation with another and complaining about the contrast.
Without realizing it, my entire life has been turned into a collection of fearful exercises.
I'm afraid of talking with people, in general. I'm afraid of making mistakes and taking risks. I'm afraid that I don't measure up to the Lord standards, or that I'm not truly sincere in my faith and therefore not saved at all.
I've always been afraid of dying alone and forgotten, but I'm afraid of connecting with an honest, genuine intimacy (because I'm apparently prone to "falling in love" which I've been told I'm scared of) I'm afraid that I'm codependent, but I'm also afraid of being independent. I'm scared of being laughed at or pitied. I'm scared of being repulsive.
I'm afraid that I've ruined my life so spectacularly that I can never recover. But oddly, I'm scared of success too. I'm afraid of not being good enough to deserve the friends and community that I long for.
I'm scared of my parents, that through all their manly mistakes and failures in raising me and my siblings, will be granted an open door to heavenly bliss while I'm locked out because I'm not doing one or two things perfectly right. I'm scared they'd put me out on the street. I'm scared of being a coward.
I fear that with all these fears and lack of faith I'm disqualified from serving the Lord in full time ministry like I've been trying to work towards.
And with all these mounting fears God has quietly and subtly set me down besides Joshua 1, or maybe the One True Joshua, if we go by typology and later symbolism.
No less than four times does the Lord remind his new champion for Israel to be "strong and courageous. Don't be afraid!"
"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead..." Joshua 1.6
"Be strong and courageous. Be careful to obey..." Joshua 1.7
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1.9
"...Be strong and courageous!" Joshua 1.18
It feels something like running into a spiritual brick wall or being punched in the gut, really. Here I am either running around like a chicken with its head cut off, or like an old tired dog flopping down on the side of the road, resigning himself to death, and God is saying, "Don't be afraid." It's scary in a way - here I go resorting to fear again - because God very clearly says that it's a command, it's something that I, as one of His people, am obliged to follow. So being timid and fearful of everything isn't just unattractive, it's downright rebellious against God, too. Why would I do that?
But the other thing that really made me see that God was sitting me down and giving me a Grace Smack, was His words in verse 5:
"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Now anyone who's been a follower of Jesus for an extended period of time knows exactly what that sounds like. Even though the only instance I can find of "never leave you or forsake you" in the New Testament was in Hebrews 13, and even then it was quoting the parallel in Deuteronomy 31. But I suppose that only makes the impact stronger.
The so-called "vengeful," "mean" God of the Old Testament is making the singular tender promise that we often hear misquoted as being part of Jesus's message in the Gospels. (Not that it makes it any less true of Jesus.)
There's nothing that inspires a person to bravery or valor more than that subtle hand squeeze or that quiet whisper to let the loved one know that he's not alone. This is one such "hand squeeze" (and it's even the first mentioned in the Bible), and there are numerous numerous other times too.
Can you really think of anything else that might encourage those of us who are counted among His Friends? God takes your hand in His, even squeezing it slightly, looks you in the eyes, and smiling beckons you to join Him.
I guess I look at everything I'm scared of an see that this fear is a waste. It doesn't make it all disappear at once, of course. I still have to deal with that deeper problem of not being confident in God at all, and failing to believe what He says, before this problem resolves itself, but I think I'm at a good starting place.
Yes, I know he's good, and I know that everything He does and allows in our lives is out of His loving care and passion to see His people happy in His holiness.
But for me, somewhere along the line, I lost that sense of God's being there for me, that his goodness extends even to my circumstances.
As a result I've become afraid of almost everything to some regard, unable to take real risks (since that would involve confidence and trust and faith). In addition, I've developed green eyes of jealousy, since there's nothing more delicious to a coveting heart than comparing one situation with another and complaining about the contrast.
Without realizing it, my entire life has been turned into a collection of fearful exercises.
I'm afraid of talking with people, in general. I'm afraid of making mistakes and taking risks. I'm afraid that I don't measure up to the Lord standards, or that I'm not truly sincere in my faith and therefore not saved at all.
I've always been afraid of dying alone and forgotten, but I'm afraid of connecting with an honest, genuine intimacy (because I'm apparently prone to "falling in love" which I've been told I'm scared of) I'm afraid that I'm codependent, but I'm also afraid of being independent. I'm scared of being laughed at or pitied. I'm scared of being repulsive.
I'm afraid that I've ruined my life so spectacularly that I can never recover. But oddly, I'm scared of success too. I'm afraid of not being good enough to deserve the friends and community that I long for.
I'm scared of my parents, that through all their manly mistakes and failures in raising me and my siblings, will be granted an open door to heavenly bliss while I'm locked out because I'm not doing one or two things perfectly right. I'm scared they'd put me out on the street. I'm scared of being a coward.
I fear that with all these fears and lack of faith I'm disqualified from serving the Lord in full time ministry like I've been trying to work towards.
And with all these mounting fears God has quietly and subtly set me down besides Joshua 1, or maybe the One True Joshua, if we go by typology and later symbolism.
No less than four times does the Lord remind his new champion for Israel to be "strong and courageous. Don't be afraid!"
"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead..." Joshua 1.6
"Be strong and courageous. Be careful to obey..." Joshua 1.7
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1.9
"...Be strong and courageous!" Joshua 1.18
It feels something like running into a spiritual brick wall or being punched in the gut, really. Here I am either running around like a chicken with its head cut off, or like an old tired dog flopping down on the side of the road, resigning himself to death, and God is saying, "Don't be afraid." It's scary in a way - here I go resorting to fear again - because God very clearly says that it's a command, it's something that I, as one of His people, am obliged to follow. So being timid and fearful of everything isn't just unattractive, it's downright rebellious against God, too. Why would I do that?
But the other thing that really made me see that God was sitting me down and giving me a Grace Smack, was His words in verse 5:
"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Now anyone who's been a follower of Jesus for an extended period of time knows exactly what that sounds like. Even though the only instance I can find of "never leave you or forsake you" in the New Testament was in Hebrews 13, and even then it was quoting the parallel in Deuteronomy 31. But I suppose that only makes the impact stronger.
The so-called "vengeful," "mean" God of the Old Testament is making the singular tender promise that we often hear misquoted as being part of Jesus's message in the Gospels. (Not that it makes it any less true of Jesus.)
There's nothing that inspires a person to bravery or valor more than that subtle hand squeeze or that quiet whisper to let the loved one know that he's not alone. This is one such "hand squeeze" (and it's even the first mentioned in the Bible), and there are numerous numerous other times too.
Can you really think of anything else that might encourage those of us who are counted among His Friends? God takes your hand in His, even squeezing it slightly, looks you in the eyes, and smiling beckons you to join Him.
I guess I look at everything I'm scared of an see that this fear is a waste. It doesn't make it all disappear at once, of course. I still have to deal with that deeper problem of not being confident in God at all, and failing to believe what He says, before this problem resolves itself, but I think I'm at a good starting place.
You know Jude I was scared of moving. Yes. This is true. Why?
I was moving to an unknown place, new ppl, and working with a temp place.(those are scary enough) I didn't know the area that well; try and find places to get hair cut and other life stuff. However, though it all I trusted God. Why should I worry my day and life away when God does it for me. I'll let God take care of those things. Its not easy, but I did it.