This journal doesn't really have much of a significance here, but I just wanted to talk about it, anyway, because he was so very important to me.

A week and a half ago, I came home from work to find my cat, Homer, in an awful way, and had no choice but to end his pain.. we knew he had cancer and it was only a matter of time, but nothing ever truly prepares you for the black hole that opens in your life when something like this happens. I'm 28, and I understand death, loss and grief. But this has been the worst, and I knew it would be.

Late summer of 1997, I was out in the neighborhood when I noticed several kittens out roaming and playing at a house a few blocks from mine. The way things are in society today, I doubt I could've done all that I ended up doing there, with the danger of kidnappers or sexual predators and whatnot. Curiosity made me stop, and love made me stay. I discovered there was a mother cat, a grandmother cat, and their litter (or litters) of sixteen kittens in all. The family that lived in the house had nothing to do with any of them, and were fine with letting all of them go. They were taking shelter in the detached garage on the property. What the structure was could barely be described as a garage. It was falling apart and filled with garbage and hazardous chemicals. Even my twelve-year-old self couldn't allow it.

While beginning to work things out over the next few weeks, I got to know all the cats there, but formed a special connection with one in particular. I had no idea of the bond we would have over the next majority of my life yet. He was rather small, and probably the most plain of the litter. A simple grey tabby, where the rest all had traits of other breeds, or at least white socks, blue eyes, or something. It didn't matter though, because I loved him. As for the others, I went door-to-door, eventually finding a home for every kitten there. It was down to four kittens before the baby I eventually named Homer wormed his way into my mother's cold heart, and agreed to take him in with us forever.

That was how this all started, and through sixteen years and three months, we've seen everything through together. From my personal hell that was my entire school experience, to (second) breakup of my parents, our constant moving around, the other cats that have come and gone in my lifetime, my self-discovery and coming-out as a gay man, and meeting my fiance and moving to Iowa to be with him.

Now he's just gone.. and there can be no replacing him. Life is... painful, right now. And I know it should be, but that doesn't really make anything easier. Sly helps with the grief so very much, I can't imagine dealing with this without him propping me back up. I suppose the next leg in my life must begin, but it still feels like that life will exist with a little less light in it, from green eyes..

This next portion is more just for me.. I suppose what I would say if Homer was out there, or could somehow understand.
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From the moment I cradled you on your back in my arms as a tiny kitten.. to our last moments together on the worst day of my life, I have loved you so much, and I will never stop. The connection we had was deeper than any other I have known. I don't have that connection with a single member of my family, friends, even my loving boyfriend. We were together for many years, and the hole there now is one I will carry for many more.

I haven't cried more in my entire life, and I suspect I'm not done yet, for a while. I hung your favorite toy from my mirror so I can see it every day, and I hunt for pictures of you like treasures to be found. I take comfort in Sly, Samus and Lucious because they were your family, too.

Almost everything reminds me of you somehow, tonight. Even though several days have passed, I still look for your green eyes when I lay down for the night. I wish I could decorate your resting place in a way I thought was enough to show you how much I miss you.

I rescued you many years ago, and I'll keep rescuing you by remembering always, and when the time is right, by loving a new kitten that needs someone who loves it, unequivocally.

I love you so much