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One lost rabbit
12 years ago
Some times I feel like my Fa journal is the only thing I can really put out there like a journal, not just for hey look I drew some art, gone are the days of lj , face book is for family, tumblr is for art and twitter is too short to have anything meaningful recorded in it thats longer then a sneeze. So here I write.
To be honest Im not entirely sure what my issue is but I think it comes from never adjusting from being out of college, in school I had a list of things to do and some serious consequences if I didnt get them done. Now i have nothing, in my job there are no consequences other then a meaningless reputation; because really opinions at work are already formed no matter how good of a job I do so no point in worrying about that and at the rate they hired 'senior developers' Im never going to get promoted. With all of that, now a days I just feel horribly lost. To compound that problem I havent felt emotionally invested in anything I've done recently, everything is to try and make money to get out of debt or to try and fill that empty creative void such as my work with FWA.
Making matters more complicated Im not even sure how to fix the problem, Im too far in debt and with shot credit to take a risk opening a business, miniature painting and commissions bring enough money to buy things I need but not push me forward by any measurable means, and once again I just dont feel like I have a love for anything. This past year was harsh, there was tons of rejection on all fronts , I was forced to move, and I feel like a dog in a lama orgy when it comes to my 'personal' life (thats an internet reference, look it up). So I think all of that is adding up to create a huge doldrum.
If you havent figured it out by now this journal isnt really going anywhere.
I think the most I can do now is try to pour my time into leaning coding languages and trying to learn 3d. I would love to do game programming, as perverted as it is I would love to make adult games. I've always enjoyed the adult industry, not because of boobs and dicks (hehe) but because people are happy, its a taboo we shouldnt talk about but everyone wants it, its a primal need that everyone needs and everyone has flavor that they like about it. Maybe its just because I need to get that out of my head some how and producing adult entertainment is the best way. Im just not entirely sure where to start with it all, game programming is its own 4 year degree and I cant go back to school, Im too far in debt to.
But thats really it, Im not sure what else to say other then Im not dead but I dont really feel alive either, I hope youre doing well tho.
ttfn
To be honest Im not entirely sure what my issue is but I think it comes from never adjusting from being out of college, in school I had a list of things to do and some serious consequences if I didnt get them done. Now i have nothing, in my job there are no consequences other then a meaningless reputation; because really opinions at work are already formed no matter how good of a job I do so no point in worrying about that and at the rate they hired 'senior developers' Im never going to get promoted. With all of that, now a days I just feel horribly lost. To compound that problem I havent felt emotionally invested in anything I've done recently, everything is to try and make money to get out of debt or to try and fill that empty creative void such as my work with FWA.
Making matters more complicated Im not even sure how to fix the problem, Im too far in debt and with shot credit to take a risk opening a business, miniature painting and commissions bring enough money to buy things I need but not push me forward by any measurable means, and once again I just dont feel like I have a love for anything. This past year was harsh, there was tons of rejection on all fronts , I was forced to move, and I feel like a dog in a lama orgy when it comes to my 'personal' life (thats an internet reference, look it up). So I think all of that is adding up to create a huge doldrum.
If you havent figured it out by now this journal isnt really going anywhere.
I think the most I can do now is try to pour my time into leaning coding languages and trying to learn 3d. I would love to do game programming, as perverted as it is I would love to make adult games. I've always enjoyed the adult industry, not because of boobs and dicks (hehe) but because people are happy, its a taboo we shouldnt talk about but everyone wants it, its a primal need that everyone needs and everyone has flavor that they like about it. Maybe its just because I need to get that out of my head some how and producing adult entertainment is the best way. Im just not entirely sure where to start with it all, game programming is its own 4 year degree and I cant go back to school, Im too far in debt to.
But thats really it, Im not sure what else to say other then Im not dead but I dont really feel alive either, I hope youre doing well tho.
ttfn
After school I worked in Disney for a lil bit and completely hated it, now I work for a small start up company in NC for about 5 years, doing stuffs that are not very much different from when I first stepped in, within the 5 years of time I got raised twice, raise was under two dollars over the years. Seeing people came after me kept getting promoted and starting pays are better than me makes me bitter to no end. The company doesn't have ill meaning of what happens to me but at the same time, they also don't mean to push me to a better promotion, it's just....a job. The day goes by and I made money to pay rent and food (thankfully I don't owe any debt atm), but if I may putting words to match how you might be feel the same way I do, I feel worthless, not moving forward, almost turning 30 and not moving on anywhere like the rest of ppl who are as old as I am, whom makes large figure of income.....
Money money money, it all comes down to it. Coworker asked me what do I wanna do in life, I struggled to find the answer. We can't live in our life ignore the power and worth money could bring, but I don't want to be locked down be someone or something's bitch because of it. Maybe I will go back to school again, or maybe I will take a class here and there to make up what's missing from me, keep my stable income job until I figure something, something that brings potential income I don't have to worry anymore~
Have you looked at some options like bad dragon might be hiring, or free online code language classes? or local none-credit community college classes so you pay and learn certain thing as you go? Hope you figure something out soon too :)
My rabbits in RL help, I do it for them. Coming home to see their excited bunny dance is the highlight of my day.