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Oct 27: Look At The Time It's Been Five Years!
12 years ago
General
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Status: It's Snowing! Yay!
█ Dates aren't really important to me, and I pretty much forgot this one was coming up. Though if there was any date on a calendar to have any kind of meaning to me, I think it would be this one. It marks a date in where one of the few times in my life I made a choice on my own. Seems like a simple concept, but it's slightly more complicated in that. I was one of those people who can be easily be pressured to do things they don't want to, and do so without complaining. I'd go through the motions, meet what was expected of me and then that's it. I never really felt I accomplished anything, and I seldom did anything I wanted to do. I was trapped in that cycle for so long I forgot the things I did want to do, or the things I wanted to do stopped being fun.
It's sitting here typing this I realize what it's like: Rolling a rough stone in a grinder over and over until you get a smooth stone. Everyone is a rough stone at the beginning, with their own unique features and points; but so many people get thrown into the grinder to in the end coming out the same: A round pebble. What made anyone unique ground away to dust. There was a lot of things in my life that I vaguely remember that I enjoyed doing, but what I remember far more clearly is when people scolded me for doing it, or simply destroyed my efforts. It was an inescapable cycle for me, and it's how I lost my passion for life, bit by bit. I lost it because I liked sharing and showing what I did, but just enough people were around me that were interested in destroying the things I did that when I asked myself "What's the point?" I couldn't come up with an answer, so I stopped.
Which brings me to this FA date. I suppose it was inevitable with the life I had that I ended up doing what I do here. It was one of the few interests I had left that had somehow escaped my early years somehow unscathed.
I lurked for a year and a half on FA (I still remember the dummy account I created for the purposes of seeing the mature/adult rated stuff) and I spent a year on yahoogroups building up myself to actually take the step into the unknown.
In the end five years ago I decided to share one of the last things that still had meaning to me. Are there things I regret? Sure, but if I had to do it all over again I would. It's still something I'm getting used to, and it's something in where I now and then find parts of myself I've lost. It's one of the few times in my life where things took a turn for the better. It's one of the few times in my life I made my own choice for myself, free of other people's expectations other than my own. It's a date I can look at and not be reminded of sadness or anxiety.
I am sorry that I don't respond to more of your comments. While I'm quite verbose when it comes to most of my journals, I'm usually at loss at what I would say to some comments. (Though I do read like 80-90% of them) Well to be fair, I probably could think of something to say if given enough time, but then I'd be spending perhaps 15-30 minutes trying to figure out what to say.
I thank you all for appreciating what I have shared with you over the five years. It seems to be something more important to me than even I seem to realize, and it's not something I quite understand yet.
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
Status: It's Snowing! Yay!
█ Dates aren't really important to me, and I pretty much forgot this one was coming up. Though if there was any date on a calendar to have any kind of meaning to me, I think it would be this one. It marks a date in where one of the few times in my life I made a choice on my own. Seems like a simple concept, but it's slightly more complicated in that. I was one of those people who can be easily be pressured to do things they don't want to, and do so without complaining. I'd go through the motions, meet what was expected of me and then that's it. I never really felt I accomplished anything, and I seldom did anything I wanted to do. I was trapped in that cycle for so long I forgot the things I did want to do, or the things I wanted to do stopped being fun.
It's sitting here typing this I realize what it's like: Rolling a rough stone in a grinder over and over until you get a smooth stone. Everyone is a rough stone at the beginning, with their own unique features and points; but so many people get thrown into the grinder to in the end coming out the same: A round pebble. What made anyone unique ground away to dust. There was a lot of things in my life that I vaguely remember that I enjoyed doing, but what I remember far more clearly is when people scolded me for doing it, or simply destroyed my efforts. It was an inescapable cycle for me, and it's how I lost my passion for life, bit by bit. I lost it because I liked sharing and showing what I did, but just enough people were around me that were interested in destroying the things I did that when I asked myself "What's the point?" I couldn't come up with an answer, so I stopped.
Which brings me to this FA date. I suppose it was inevitable with the life I had that I ended up doing what I do here. It was one of the few interests I had left that had somehow escaped my early years somehow unscathed.
I lurked for a year and a half on FA (I still remember the dummy account I created for the purposes of seeing the mature/adult rated stuff) and I spent a year on yahoogroups building up myself to actually take the step into the unknown.
In the end five years ago I decided to share one of the last things that still had meaning to me. Are there things I regret? Sure, but if I had to do it all over again I would. It's still something I'm getting used to, and it's something in where I now and then find parts of myself I've lost. It's one of the few times in my life where things took a turn for the better. It's one of the few times in my life I made my own choice for myself, free of other people's expectations other than my own. It's a date I can look at and not be reminded of sadness or anxiety.
I am sorry that I don't respond to more of your comments. While I'm quite verbose when it comes to most of my journals, I'm usually at loss at what I would say to some comments. (Though I do read like 80-90% of them) Well to be fair, I probably could think of something to say if given enough time, but then I'd be spending perhaps 15-30 minutes trying to figure out what to say.
I thank you all for appreciating what I have shared with you over the five years. It seems to be something more important to me than even I seem to realize, and it's not something I quite understand yet.
In any case, happy fifth ani-fur-sary! Here's to many more years of wonderful weirdery and fine fetish art!
as for not commenting on all the coments, kinda understandable, i mean just look at your followers, if you'd need to respont to every single one, spending 'bout 15 minutes on each comment... yea, we can do the math...
but speaking of joining FA, i think it's one of the best choises i've made myself, it's very re-assuring to see that more people are into both bondage and furries (hell, before joining i didn't even know about the furry comunity, now i feel stupid for jsut discovering it about a year back...).
in any case, i'm glad the user DragonTalon guided me here from DA, which eventually let to me seeing your work. and, oh boy, do i LOVE your work :D
I definitely don't regret it myself. I lurked on this account for years and only just recently started talking to people. Only recently started uploading my own stuff, too. But, as weird as I am, I definitely don't regret a thing. It's very comforting to be surrounded by like-minded people, I think.
Don't stress too much about responses, I'd say a majority of them don't get responded to on ANY page. Your metaphor for the passiveness in your life is interesting, and it definitely saddens me to read the effect it had on you. I'm glad that the journal reads as if this is somewhat in the past, as if it is something that you regret but something that you are slowly attempting to overcome. I hope you regain your passion for the things you enjoy, Endium.
Regardless, it's nice to see your passion flow in a specific area, and it's definitely an area in which you are quite proficient. And the community here will always love you for it!
So, again: Happy fifth!
I created my FA account about 8 years ago, but been in the furry community since I was 18 years old. And that have been ten years ago...
Oh man, I just realized that I got TEN years of furry community experience under my belt and only now I thought about it. Ironic, isn't it? ^^;
Here's a 5 years old cookie for you I have been saving up just for this o....ooooh! Cookies don't work like wine does...
Here's to another 5 years!
Happy 5th anniversary. Hope you're sleeping better now.