Okay, this kept being an issue with the last journal, so lemme just clarify some things.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What's that? The short version, without grabbing the nearest psychiatry book is that all my emotions are perpetually dialed up to 100, instead of the usual 1-10 range. Frustration is set to anger, actual anger is ramped up for frothing rage, sadness feels like I'm dying, and fear is paralyzing and insanity-inducing in most cases. Every day is ... pretty much a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, and it's exhausting, to say the least. There's no medication that exists that can effectively treat all symptoms (a lot of BPD sufferers are falsely diagnosed as bipolar or depressed, and the medication for those tends to do more harm than good for people with BPD). The only proven successful treatment is a type of behavioral guidance therapy that to be truly effective, requires the aid of a therapist who specializes in helping treat BPD (which I can't afford to see and get help from). So, what that all boils down to ... is that I'm dealing with an untreated highly-volatile psychological condition in my day-to-day. Which means that when I'm upset, there's only really a handful of ways that I can deal with the explosion of emotions, and all of them are violent in one way or another. Either to myself, others, property, or in the form of a lot of very angrily-typed words. I dunno about you guys ... but between all of those, I think the rage-typing is a LOT less damaging. =/ So 9 times out of 10, that's going to be my preferred method of choice for "releasing the pressure valve" in a way that isn't either going to make me lose my mind, or result in my involuntarily lashing out at people and things around me (truth be told, tho, I'm more likely to physically harm myself than an innocent bystander, of the direct cause of my "episode" isn't standing right in front of me).

The shorter version ... there are gonna be times when I bust a gasket. For someone like me, it's pretty much unavoidable. So journals are gonna crop up sometimes in which I'm either soul-crushingly depressed, or badger-with-its-nuts-tied level of furious. It's GONNA happen. I'm not gonna lie to you and say something that isn't true. These kinds of journals are going to show up every now and then when something happens. If you REALLY can't handle my irrational outbursts without acting like a twat towards me just because you want to be right and try to "fix" me (spoiler alert--you can't reason with someone having a BPD episode while they're still in the middle of it), then please, please, please, PLEASE -Watch me, and kindly escort yourself out the nearest door. Spare yourself--AND me--a lot of needless additional stress.

I'd like to think that overall, I have a lot more good days than bad, and the majority of my "episodes" are fairly short-lived things, and are related to pretty minor and unimportant things (like getting into a tizzy because I can't remember where I put my phone or something). But every once in awhile, a more serious outburst rears its ugly head, and I'd MUCH rather sit down and right about it than indulge in more dangerous and unhealthy ways of dealing with those emotions. I'm gonna be pretty zero-tolerance on the judgmental bullshit from here on out, on those kinds of journals. If you're someone I'm close to, and we have an understanding on how we communicate, you guys don't really hafta worry. When someone I know and care about gives some tough love because I'm getting outta line, that's very different. But if someone complete stranger tries to get all holier-than-thou and try to preach to me about how I should or shouldn't act, all while not knowing or understanding a SINGLE thing about me...? I'm sorry, but I -am- going to hide that comment. Persistence is gonna result in a block. I write those sorts of journals to get my inner demons OUT. Not so that random jerkoffs can give me a fresh batch by giving me a hard time and making me even MORE agitated.

Why not just delete the journals later, you ask? Simple. I don't believe in that kind of cover-up. I believe strongly in accountability. Even when I'm wrong. Even when I fuck up. Nothing just "disappears" just because I don't like it or am ashamed of what I said/did. I want to be able to look back, years later, and remember how i used to think and behave--to compare the good AND the bad. So in short, journals of mine don't disappear unless an admin removes them (which in my less-than-stellar past, HAS happened >_<).

Hope that's cleared up any issues, and with any luck, we'll avoid further unpleasantness in the future. To those who stick by me, even when I act like a looney shit ... love you guys with all my everything .*huge hugs* To the "computer chair psychologists" and other general know-it-alls who may, in the future, cause shit regardless of this journal's existance ... you were warned! =P