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I just need this off my chest.
12 years ago
I apologize to any of my watchers if this grinds on your nerves... please just shoot me a Note if it does and I'll gladly end these rants here and now. No joke. I won't be offended at all.
However, this weekend at a family function type thing, I gave out my dA username to friends and family so they can keep up with my art. I didn't realize, however, that by doing so, I officially eliminated my opportunities for Journal rants. So the only place I've got left to turn is FA. This WILL be a rant, and NO, it will not be rational or logical or intelligent. But this is literally the last place I have to go, at the moment. I won't be offended if you'd rather I keep this to myself: just shoot me a Note and again, I'll gladly stop.
So here's the deal. *deep sigh*
School is a pain. I'm falling into a pit of what feels like depression. I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel... because honestly, I can't see a purpose to life anymore. I'm no suicidal, thank goodness, but I'm not exactly in my prime. I'm having trouble finding a reason to keep moving forward... my grades are suffering, my self discipline (which, while using an online school, is EXTREMELY vital) is disappearing, and I'm basically just feeling like things are hopeless. My thoughts are as follows: so what if you get a good report card. You can get into a good school, yes, but where does that lead? I get a job, I have kids, maybe, and then I die. Honestly I just don't see a point to it all. Ffffff, I can explain it better in the morning, but in short, that's what I'm trying to see past. Why should I strive to succeed? There's no point, other than short term happiness. And things don't look like they get any more cheerful as life goes on; childhood seems to be the happiest span of time I'll ever experience, and I'm miserable. After this, I'll be forced to get a job, pay taxes, give up what little free time I DO have right now. I don't think anyone else will agree with that, but again, this is a rant. More of a stream-of-conscious (is that what it's called?) than anything.
Then there's school itself, which I think is the main problem. I switched to an online program after trying a traditional high school and decided this was the better option. I've been happy up until now, but... well, I don't deal well with stress. At ALL. And there's more work piling up than I've ever had. I left town with my family Thursday through Monday, and while I only missed two days (Friday was a day off), I'm MASSIVLY behind. I've never had problems with my self-discipline before, but today I sat on the couch and did NOTHING. I accomplished exactly 10 math problems and 4 English ones. THAT'S IT. The rest of the day was spent staring off into space or aimlessly browsing on my phone because I wanted to do ANYTHING, ANYTHING but work. Because it feels like a lost cause at this point. I'm so behind, doing so poorly, I don't see much of a point in even trying anymore. And I've always been a VERY diligent student. Nearly all As and Bs. Up until now. I just totally lost my willpower and drive to accomplish anything. Even my commissions, which were going so well, are at a standstill because I hate the thought of sitting down to do anything.
I'd like to take a short vacation, to regroup and relax, but I can't. This program is set up so that if you miss a day, it's fine, but it also digs you further down into a pit of WORK. I can't even afford to take a sick day, and today was a major loss.
I'm just so stressed and sad right now. My parents asked why I was upset, and I told them. My father laughed and I've given up trying to talk to my mom about this. My father doesn't see why it's such a big deal and my mother only says the wrong things that get me more worked up. There's nothing either one of them can do.
And to top it all off, my friends are being jackasses. One of my 'closest' friends has been acting strange lately, and the ones that are replying to my texts and so forth aren't people I feel I can talk to. There's literally NO ONE I feel comfortable ranting to, much less crying to. I just really need a hug, more than anything. But I'm not that type of person, to the people who think they know me. I'm the tough girl who doesn't cry and doesn't like to be touched and loves blood in gore. In reality, I love hugs more than anything, I cry more than my 9 year old sister, and I hate seeing people in pain. No one knows me and although I have friends, and a few really GOOD, CLOSE friends, none of them really KNOW me. No one does. There's no one I can cry to without feeling like they'll laugh. No one I can lean on, emotionally or physically. I feel totally and hopelessly alone. And it SUCKS, man.
I feel like crying and I just... gahhh. I don't expect anyone to read this, with my very few followers. But if you did.... thanks? :\
However, this weekend at a family function type thing, I gave out my dA username to friends and family so they can keep up with my art. I didn't realize, however, that by doing so, I officially eliminated my opportunities for Journal rants. So the only place I've got left to turn is FA. This WILL be a rant, and NO, it will not be rational or logical or intelligent. But this is literally the last place I have to go, at the moment. I won't be offended if you'd rather I keep this to myself: just shoot me a Note and again, I'll gladly stop.
So here's the deal. *deep sigh*
School is a pain. I'm falling into a pit of what feels like depression. I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel... because honestly, I can't see a purpose to life anymore. I'm no suicidal, thank goodness, but I'm not exactly in my prime. I'm having trouble finding a reason to keep moving forward... my grades are suffering, my self discipline (which, while using an online school, is EXTREMELY vital) is disappearing, and I'm basically just feeling like things are hopeless. My thoughts are as follows: so what if you get a good report card. You can get into a good school, yes, but where does that lead? I get a job, I have kids, maybe, and then I die. Honestly I just don't see a point to it all. Ffffff, I can explain it better in the morning, but in short, that's what I'm trying to see past. Why should I strive to succeed? There's no point, other than short term happiness. And things don't look like they get any more cheerful as life goes on; childhood seems to be the happiest span of time I'll ever experience, and I'm miserable. After this, I'll be forced to get a job, pay taxes, give up what little free time I DO have right now. I don't think anyone else will agree with that, but again, this is a rant. More of a stream-of-conscious (is that what it's called?) than anything.
Then there's school itself, which I think is the main problem. I switched to an online program after trying a traditional high school and decided this was the better option. I've been happy up until now, but... well, I don't deal well with stress. At ALL. And there's more work piling up than I've ever had. I left town with my family Thursday through Monday, and while I only missed two days (Friday was a day off), I'm MASSIVLY behind. I've never had problems with my self-discipline before, but today I sat on the couch and did NOTHING. I accomplished exactly 10 math problems and 4 English ones. THAT'S IT. The rest of the day was spent staring off into space or aimlessly browsing on my phone because I wanted to do ANYTHING, ANYTHING but work. Because it feels like a lost cause at this point. I'm so behind, doing so poorly, I don't see much of a point in even trying anymore. And I've always been a VERY diligent student. Nearly all As and Bs. Up until now. I just totally lost my willpower and drive to accomplish anything. Even my commissions, which were going so well, are at a standstill because I hate the thought of sitting down to do anything.
I'd like to take a short vacation, to regroup and relax, but I can't. This program is set up so that if you miss a day, it's fine, but it also digs you further down into a pit of WORK. I can't even afford to take a sick day, and today was a major loss.
I'm just so stressed and sad right now. My parents asked why I was upset, and I told them. My father laughed and I've given up trying to talk to my mom about this. My father doesn't see why it's such a big deal and my mother only says the wrong things that get me more worked up. There's nothing either one of them can do.
And to top it all off, my friends are being jackasses. One of my 'closest' friends has been acting strange lately, and the ones that are replying to my texts and so forth aren't people I feel I can talk to. There's literally NO ONE I feel comfortable ranting to, much less crying to. I just really need a hug, more than anything. But I'm not that type of person, to the people who think they know me. I'm the tough girl who doesn't cry and doesn't like to be touched and loves blood in gore. In reality, I love hugs more than anything, I cry more than my 9 year old sister, and I hate seeing people in pain. No one knows me and although I have friends, and a few really GOOD, CLOSE friends, none of them really KNOW me. No one does. There's no one I can cry to without feeling like they'll laugh. No one I can lean on, emotionally or physically. I feel totally and hopelessly alone. And it SUCKS, man.
I feel like crying and I just... gahhh. I don't expect anyone to read this, with my very few followers. But if you did.... thanks? :\
