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HALLOWEEN SO MUCH LAMER NOW YOU DAMN KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN
12 years ago
Since I'm an old curmudgeon, I've been complaining for years about how EVERYTHING IS ALL LAME AND BAD AND TERRIBLE COMPARED TO HOW IT WAS WHEN I WAS A KID and THESE DAMN KIDS TODAY GET OFF MY LAWN, and Halloween has always been one of my most curmudgeonly targets. I've had a vague sense for years that today's Halloween festivities are getting lamer compared to the Halloweens that I remember celebrating as a child, but yesterday really drove it all home. Yesterday, I happened to be downtown during the day to run some errands at the same time that the city's official Halloween thing was going on. Like many cities, our town has responded to parents' fear of poisoned candy and razorblade apples by instituting an event where downtown businesses will hand out candy, the rationale being that candy received from a random person standing in front of FASHION BUG or HOT TOPIC is more trustworthy than a random person standing in front of a house. This is bullshit for the obvious reasons that we all already know about, seeing as how the razorblade apple thing NEVER ACTUALLY EVER HAPPENED in real life (I'm told that it happened in the movie HALLOWEEN III and the urban legend mill took it from there) and every instance of poisoned candy was traced back to a Münchausen syndrome by proxy parent or something rather than a random stranger. But let's put that aside for a moment and talk about why this sort of official trick or treat isn't fun for anything. I made several observations about this new trick of treat:
- It took place in THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, in BROAD DAYLIGHT.
- Very few of the people handing out candy were in costume. None of the businesses had any decorations up beyond maybe a couple construction paper pumpkins.
- There were approximately three crossing guards in bright orange vests for every kid.
- There were no groups of kids. It was mainly just parents bringing their own kids.
So first of all, this obviously removes the thrilling fake danger element of Halloween. Halloween is the closest thing that America has to a Carnivale-style holiday, where everything is topsy turvy and kind of slightly dangerous but not for real. Think about it; it's the holiday when kids are allowed and even encouraged to do things that are totally forbidden the rest of the year: You go out past your bedtime. You eat bad-for-you sugar treats. There are no parents around to stop you; instead, you're canvassing the neighborhood with your peers -- who are essentially a gang of costumed hoodlums. You literally TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS and, if they don't comply, you threaten them. When I was a kid, I distinctly remember that I would trick or treat with a group of friends and we often didn't have ANY parents with us. There were a few years when, after trick or treating, I would walk home alone. And I lived in one of those out-of-the-way developments where they didn't bother to put in street lamps.
Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a chaperone around and I understand why many parents these days would be loathe to let the kids run around on Halloween unsupervised, so I don't think the experience is ruined if there are adults around. But, you know, the dark and wild are a very important part of the Halloween experience and you want to maintain some of that just so kids can pretend that there's some danger involved even though deep down they know that they're always perfectly safe. So trick or treating in the middle of the day with about a million rent-a-cops in orange vests? Jeez, how are kids supposed to suspend their disbelief? And trick or treating JUST with your parents? No friends around? LAME.
I read an interesting article recently about how Americans' parenting habits are weirdly inverted. For example, babies demand almost constant interaction with their parents, because, at this age, the child really needs to feel like his or her parents are always there. In many cultures, you never don't have the baby with you. But in America, we put the baby in a crib in another room and we do stuff like CONTROLLED CRYING where we don't respond to the baby's crying because we apparently think that terrifying a helpless infant into believing that it's been abandoned to cruel fate is a good way to make it sleep soundly through the night. So while infants want to feel that their parents are always around to protect them, kids around the age of 7 or 8 start to bristle at that constant contact. This is the age that they start to assert some independence, and many cultures let kids this age play unsupervised with other kids and wander somewhat far afield because they understand that THIS IS WHAT KIDS DO. But in America, this is the age that we start smothering our kids and forbidding them from doing anything outside the house. It's no wonder that kids today just play video games all day. Adults are always bitching about that, saying WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY OUTSIDE. Well, where are they going to play? We've pretty much banned kids from almost all public spaces with ever more oppressive anti-loitering ordinances and curfews. And if kids go to any of the increasingly few public spaces where they're allowed to play (The arcades are all out of business; the skate parks are getting closed down because people somehow associate skateboards with crime and juvenile delinquincy because, I don't know, Bart Simpson rode one; and every playground that gets built looks more like day-glo plastic public art than a thing you're actually supposed to play on), they still get in trouble if there isn't an adult there to watch them. In this world, Halloween was a good way for kids to try out a little bit of independence, but not anymore.
I mean, yeah, you still get the candy. But who cares? It's not like candy is a rare once-a-year thing. The fun of Halloween isn't the candy, it's how you get it.
I wouldn't be so bothered by official Halloween events, except that I've anecdotally noticed a decline in regular unofficial trick or treating. I hardly ever see anyone trick or treating around town outside of this Chamber of Commerce-approved abomination. Worse, the kids that do don't even understand the basic etiquette of Halloween. When I was a kid, we all knew that you didn't bother going to a house that didn't have decorations or a jack-o'-lantern. A lit jack-o'-lantern meant that house was giving out candy! A house with decorations but no jack-o'-lantern usually meant that they had run out of candy, but you could still try them if you wanted. I've had years where I decorate the house and carve a jack-o'-lantern and everything and not see a single trick-or-treater. That might just be because I live in an out-of-the-way place, but then on years when I don't bother to decorate, suddenly I get tons of kids. WHY ARE YOU COMING HERE? YOU SHUOLD BE ABLE TO CLEARLY TELL BY MY LACK OF DECORATION THAT THERE IS NO CANDY HERE. ALSO YOU'RE NOT IN COSTUME SO FUCK YOU, KID.
Which brings us to ANOTHER problem with official Halloween events. Adults can't participate! In the old days, even if you weren't a parent, you could still get in on the fun. Halloween was a great excuse to show off your creativity. You'd built elaborate costumes and go all-out with fantastic decorations. Trick-or-treaters or, heck, just random people wander the neighborhood just to see the decorations and be impressed. And you could take pride in your ingenuity and imagination. Nowadays adults who aren't acting as chaperones can only participate in Halloween if they happen to work at a business that's giving out candy. And what fun is that? You can't decorate your office and why would you want to? It's not your home, there's no pride in ownership in that. And it's not like you have a choice in the matter. People who don't want to participate can't opt out like they could when kids went door to door; if the boss says you're handing out candy, then you're handing out candy.
I don't know, It really seems like the new way of celebrating Halloween isn't fun for anyone, kids or adults, but I am a cranky curmudgeon, like I said. I suppose it's still fun to get free candy.
- It took place in THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, in BROAD DAYLIGHT.
- Very few of the people handing out candy were in costume. None of the businesses had any decorations up beyond maybe a couple construction paper pumpkins.
- There were approximately three crossing guards in bright orange vests for every kid.
- There were no groups of kids. It was mainly just parents bringing their own kids.
So first of all, this obviously removes the thrilling fake danger element of Halloween. Halloween is the closest thing that America has to a Carnivale-style holiday, where everything is topsy turvy and kind of slightly dangerous but not for real. Think about it; it's the holiday when kids are allowed and even encouraged to do things that are totally forbidden the rest of the year: You go out past your bedtime. You eat bad-for-you sugar treats. There are no parents around to stop you; instead, you're canvassing the neighborhood with your peers -- who are essentially a gang of costumed hoodlums. You literally TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS and, if they don't comply, you threaten them. When I was a kid, I distinctly remember that I would trick or treat with a group of friends and we often didn't have ANY parents with us. There were a few years when, after trick or treating, I would walk home alone. And I lived in one of those out-of-the-way developments where they didn't bother to put in street lamps.
Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a chaperone around and I understand why many parents these days would be loathe to let the kids run around on Halloween unsupervised, so I don't think the experience is ruined if there are adults around. But, you know, the dark and wild are a very important part of the Halloween experience and you want to maintain some of that just so kids can pretend that there's some danger involved even though deep down they know that they're always perfectly safe. So trick or treating in the middle of the day with about a million rent-a-cops in orange vests? Jeez, how are kids supposed to suspend their disbelief? And trick or treating JUST with your parents? No friends around? LAME.
I read an interesting article recently about how Americans' parenting habits are weirdly inverted. For example, babies demand almost constant interaction with their parents, because, at this age, the child really needs to feel like his or her parents are always there. In many cultures, you never don't have the baby with you. But in America, we put the baby in a crib in another room and we do stuff like CONTROLLED CRYING where we don't respond to the baby's crying because we apparently think that terrifying a helpless infant into believing that it's been abandoned to cruel fate is a good way to make it sleep soundly through the night. So while infants want to feel that their parents are always around to protect them, kids around the age of 7 or 8 start to bristle at that constant contact. This is the age that they start to assert some independence, and many cultures let kids this age play unsupervised with other kids and wander somewhat far afield because they understand that THIS IS WHAT KIDS DO. But in America, this is the age that we start smothering our kids and forbidding them from doing anything outside the house. It's no wonder that kids today just play video games all day. Adults are always bitching about that, saying WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY OUTSIDE. Well, where are they going to play? We've pretty much banned kids from almost all public spaces with ever more oppressive anti-loitering ordinances and curfews. And if kids go to any of the increasingly few public spaces where they're allowed to play (The arcades are all out of business; the skate parks are getting closed down because people somehow associate skateboards with crime and juvenile delinquincy because, I don't know, Bart Simpson rode one; and every playground that gets built looks more like day-glo plastic public art than a thing you're actually supposed to play on), they still get in trouble if there isn't an adult there to watch them. In this world, Halloween was a good way for kids to try out a little bit of independence, but not anymore.
I mean, yeah, you still get the candy. But who cares? It's not like candy is a rare once-a-year thing. The fun of Halloween isn't the candy, it's how you get it.
I wouldn't be so bothered by official Halloween events, except that I've anecdotally noticed a decline in regular unofficial trick or treating. I hardly ever see anyone trick or treating around town outside of this Chamber of Commerce-approved abomination. Worse, the kids that do don't even understand the basic etiquette of Halloween. When I was a kid, we all knew that you didn't bother going to a house that didn't have decorations or a jack-o'-lantern. A lit jack-o'-lantern meant that house was giving out candy! A house with decorations but no jack-o'-lantern usually meant that they had run out of candy, but you could still try them if you wanted. I've had years where I decorate the house and carve a jack-o'-lantern and everything and not see a single trick-or-treater. That might just be because I live in an out-of-the-way place, but then on years when I don't bother to decorate, suddenly I get tons of kids. WHY ARE YOU COMING HERE? YOU SHUOLD BE ABLE TO CLEARLY TELL BY MY LACK OF DECORATION THAT THERE IS NO CANDY HERE. ALSO YOU'RE NOT IN COSTUME SO FUCK YOU, KID.
Which brings us to ANOTHER problem with official Halloween events. Adults can't participate! In the old days, even if you weren't a parent, you could still get in on the fun. Halloween was a great excuse to show off your creativity. You'd built elaborate costumes and go all-out with fantastic decorations. Trick-or-treaters or, heck, just random people wander the neighborhood just to see the decorations and be impressed. And you could take pride in your ingenuity and imagination. Nowadays adults who aren't acting as chaperones can only participate in Halloween if they happen to work at a business that's giving out candy. And what fun is that? You can't decorate your office and why would you want to? It's not your home, there's no pride in ownership in that. And it's not like you have a choice in the matter. People who don't want to participate can't opt out like they could when kids went door to door; if the boss says you're handing out candy, then you're handing out candy.
I don't know, It really seems like the new way of celebrating Halloween isn't fun for anyone, kids or adults, but I am a cranky curmudgeon, like I said. I suppose it's still fun to get free candy.
Meanwhile, for folks who want more backstory on the whole Razors-in-the-Apples myth, here's a good article: http://badassdigest.com/2013/10/31/.....des-in-apples/
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-.....h578-no/13+-+4
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-.....h578-no/13+-+3
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-.....h578-no/13+-+1
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-.....h578-no/13+-+8
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-.....h578-no/13+-+4
Only thing I don't put out are jack-o'-lanterns because the squirrels freaking eat them. Stupid suburban rodents. We only had a handful of kids this year because of the rain, and they only come during the "town sanctioned" trick-or-treating hours of 3-7 PM.
But there were still places in this area that only had an hour of trick or treating. It definitely feels far more sterile than when I was a kid, and I lived in Hicksville, Upstate NY, where you needed a car to drive between clusters of houses. I can only imagine how disappointing and weird it must seem to people who grew up in towns with populations above five digits.
Doesn't anyone have Halloween parties anymore? You know, invite a bunch of people to your house and tell them to wear wacky costumes. That way, adults can not only celebrate the holiday, they can do it without any pesky kids underfoot!
Which leads me to believe that despite the free candy, they really aren't having any fun at all. So yeah, Halloween ain't what it used to be, for sure.
My town has downtown trick or treat, but it isn't even on halloween, but the idea isn't really for safety, it's to actually get people to shop downtown at some of the non-corporate chain stores and restaurants instead of just going to walmart and macdonalds.
Also, trick or treat time used to be 4 hours from 5-9 PM, now it is 1.5 hours from 5-6:30 PM, so it never even really gets dark.
I also remember trick or treat was for anyone really up to senior year of high school, but that was when schools still cared about students. Now kids would probably have a term paper and 2 exams the next day after halloween.
Don't get me started on playground and park design. Some schools literally put up barbed wire around the playgrounds to keep kids inside. I don't understand where sitcoms got the idea that there is so much freedom in high school to wander around between classes or even leave the school premises for wacky hijinks. When I was in high school, you could get suspended if you left the building before school was out and you barely had 3 minutes to get to your next class.
It is pretty crap now, though my brother's work, an awesome cafe with a magician for an owner who I personally know, decided to spider that bitch up.
Giant spiders crawling up the exterior walls, high enough that they'd knock you out if they fell. Now that's how you decorate your fucking business.
You still live in Berkley's little brother right? Hardly would consider that normal... Sad, yes, but maybe it's just regional variances.
Got a ton of kids. Carved pumpkins. Bitched a lot about a town near us that set up an 8pm curfew on Halloween (even though 95% of the kids here came before 8). Kids loved roomie's fursuit. Most kids were latinos, but they seemed to be having the most fun. Kept a few brown bottled carbonated 'candies' for the dads (had two takers). First time I actually sat down and helped with handing out Candy in a while. Still looks like a fun night for a kid, even if it's marginally sissified. Got just about the right amount of candy.
All in all very good night. More teens and little kids than tweens though.
At our office, a few of the kids of the workers came around to solicit candy during the day, yes... but several of us actually WERE in costume since we had a costume contest going on. I'd planned on putting on my fox ears and one of my tails, (and gritting my teeth whenever anyone asked "what does the fox say?") but then the Agent Development team had the super-duper-fun idea of everyone dressing up in suits and sunglasses as the "Secret Agent dev team". So I combined the two. It was well liked. We got runner-up prizes against a team that hadn't even entered as a team, but were shoehorned together by the judge herself so we'd have some semblance of competition in the group-effort category (our team was the only other one that bothered).
Like... we can't afford skate parks or playgrounds or after-school programs, so close them all down. Make more kid-friendly websites. Cancel school lunch programs, too. Make computers and email a necessary part of adult life. Give kids more homework. Now act surprised when kids stay inside eating junk food and texting all the time.