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Soul Searching
12 years ago
Warning! This is a long journal with a serious (somewhat negative) subject matter. I just wrote out my thoughts on my current situation to try and get them sorted out on paper. It helps me organize my thoughts when I do this.
If you don't want to read this, please click the back button. :)
I have been in college for almost a semester now. I went in uncertain that I would like it - I don't know that I would have even gone without pressure from my parents and fears of what would happen without a college degree under my belt.
I thought maybe since I would not be in class as much as I was in high school, it would be no problem to work on my businesses and do school at the same time. However, I am finding that this is not the case. October especially, though it may have just been an unusual influx of orders due to Halloween, was really a struggle. Right now it feels like everything I am doing is, to put it bluntly, half-assed. I am not fully invested in anything I am doing, and I am spreading myself far too thin. Between class, work, and trying to hold on to something resembling a social life, I just don't feel like I can manage it all. I think I have reached a crossroads where I need to decide what is important to me.
I will be honest, I am not enjoying college so far. The classes feel disturbingly like high school, with an even more strict attendance policy. I haven't made any friends on campus; I am not sure if this is just because I haven't had the time to invest in forming friendships, or because of my social anxiety, or both. I can't say that all schools would be like this, but I don't feel any special connection with the school. I also have been too tired from and busy with other things to really invest myself into my classes, settling for C's and D's, still stuck in the mentality of the only thing mattering being the degree at the end. Taking a step back, that doesn't actually make any sense. I don't think I was planning to get a job with whatever company at the end of my college career, and the whole reason for me even being there was for the knowledge. What I am doing now feels like a waste of time and money.
I think, at this point, the only thing keeping me here is that I am scared of what will happen to me without a degree. I am so afraid of that because it has been ingrained into my mind since I was very young that you have to have one or else you'll work at McDonald's for the rest of your life, or worse.
Looking at my finances, though, my income has been pretty steady with an upward trend over the last several months. Calculating my living expenses and business expenses and how much would be left on average after that yields promising results. Not a life of luxury, by any means, but enough. I feel like it would be feasible for me to be self-supporting, but again, I am scared. I don't know what will happen if I can't do it. These are things I need to figure out, and soon. I am needing to do some serious soul searching, as I am wasting far too much energy on this issue and need to decide one way or another what I am going to do.
As a side note, it's interesting how many parallels I noticed in this journal and the one I wrote back in March or April when I was trying to decide if I should even go to college in the first place. Evidently I felt about the same then as I do now, almost word for word in some instances. Just some more things for me to consider.
If you don't want to read this, please click the back button. :)
I have been in college for almost a semester now. I went in uncertain that I would like it - I don't know that I would have even gone without pressure from my parents and fears of what would happen without a college degree under my belt.
I thought maybe since I would not be in class as much as I was in high school, it would be no problem to work on my businesses and do school at the same time. However, I am finding that this is not the case. October especially, though it may have just been an unusual influx of orders due to Halloween, was really a struggle. Right now it feels like everything I am doing is, to put it bluntly, half-assed. I am not fully invested in anything I am doing, and I am spreading myself far too thin. Between class, work, and trying to hold on to something resembling a social life, I just don't feel like I can manage it all. I think I have reached a crossroads where I need to decide what is important to me.
I will be honest, I am not enjoying college so far. The classes feel disturbingly like high school, with an even more strict attendance policy. I haven't made any friends on campus; I am not sure if this is just because I haven't had the time to invest in forming friendships, or because of my social anxiety, or both. I can't say that all schools would be like this, but I don't feel any special connection with the school. I also have been too tired from and busy with other things to really invest myself into my classes, settling for C's and D's, still stuck in the mentality of the only thing mattering being the degree at the end. Taking a step back, that doesn't actually make any sense. I don't think I was planning to get a job with whatever company at the end of my college career, and the whole reason for me even being there was for the knowledge. What I am doing now feels like a waste of time and money.
I think, at this point, the only thing keeping me here is that I am scared of what will happen to me without a degree. I am so afraid of that because it has been ingrained into my mind since I was very young that you have to have one or else you'll work at McDonald's for the rest of your life, or worse.
Looking at my finances, though, my income has been pretty steady with an upward trend over the last several months. Calculating my living expenses and business expenses and how much would be left on average after that yields promising results. Not a life of luxury, by any means, but enough. I feel like it would be feasible for me to be self-supporting, but again, I am scared. I don't know what will happen if I can't do it. These are things I need to figure out, and soon. I am needing to do some serious soul searching, as I am wasting far too much energy on this issue and need to decide one way or another what I am going to do.
As a side note, it's interesting how many parallels I noticed in this journal and the one I wrote back in March or April when I was trying to decide if I should even go to college in the first place. Evidently I felt about the same then as I do now, almost word for word in some instances. Just some more things for me to consider.
Thank you so much for your support! I don't think there really will be a clear answer - I know what I am leaning towards, but there are of course pros and cons of each choice.
However, working at McDonald's yields a somewhat large paycheck o.o My sister worked there for a year and all of her checks were $500+
Even though it's not a dream job, it pays well and keeps you out of the streets. :3