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Why I Feel Like an Apostate
12 years ago
General
When I lived in NYC, I frequented the Nuyorican Poets Cafe. Friday nights, the house was always packed. The show opened with a spotlight poet performing a 15 minute set, followed by a 5 person, 3 round invitational slam-- no elimination, and no time limits (!!!). The slam typically wrapped up around 2 or 3am if I recall correctly, and after the slam, about After the slam, maybe 95% or so of the crowd would leave, and anyone who remained could sign up and read a piece. I would usually stay until the open mic wrapped up around 5am, then grab a bite at Odessa or Veselka before heading home.
Some nights around 4am, the Reverend Pedro Pietri, one of the founders of the Nuyorican, would show up, and comandeer the mic for a while, then take off again. This is him a short piece I badly paraphrase from time to time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSd6JJVsRyU
He died in 2004-- 60 years old-- of stomach cancer, for which he had eschewed conventional treatment. I've always considered it a tragedy that he pursued only alternative treatment methods when he perhaps could've survived, but lately I've been thinking maybe he knew what he was doing, and had just decided that he was ready to die.
Intellectually, I think I've been ready to die for a while-- not that I'm in any way suicidal, or eager to die, or anything like that-- just, I feel like if I were diagnosed with some terminal condition, I might shrug my shoulders and go with it. I'm happy to keep living, but I've already had a good life.
But while I say this and hold it to be true intellectually, I know from some of my experiences with psychedelia that on an emotional level I am terrified of death. Whenever I get to the part in a strong trip that feels like I might be dying, instead of just letting it happen and letting the trip take me where it will, I get panicked and pull myself out of it.
I've stopped tripping, because I feel like unless I can get through that fear and commit to the trip, it's just a waste of time, and more than likely going to be a thoroughly unfun experience. I don't want to deal with that.
Some nights around 4am, the Reverend Pedro Pietri, one of the founders of the Nuyorican, would show up, and comandeer the mic for a while, then take off again. This is him a short piece I badly paraphrase from time to time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSd6JJVsRyU
He died in 2004-- 60 years old-- of stomach cancer, for which he had eschewed conventional treatment. I've always considered it a tragedy that he pursued only alternative treatment methods when he perhaps could've survived, but lately I've been thinking maybe he knew what he was doing, and had just decided that he was ready to die.
Intellectually, I think I've been ready to die for a while-- not that I'm in any way suicidal, or eager to die, or anything like that-- just, I feel like if I were diagnosed with some terminal condition, I might shrug my shoulders and go with it. I'm happy to keep living, but I've already had a good life.
But while I say this and hold it to be true intellectually, I know from some of my experiences with psychedelia that on an emotional level I am terrified of death. Whenever I get to the part in a strong trip that feels like I might be dying, instead of just letting it happen and letting the trip take me where it will, I get panicked and pull myself out of it.
I've stopped tripping, because I feel like unless I can get through that fear and commit to the trip, it's just a waste of time, and more than likely going to be a thoroughly unfun experience. I don't want to deal with that.
Taken from http://hardcoremesorah.wordpress.co.....at-noach-2013/
"Of Ben Azzai it is said that he merely peered upon the spiritual realm and he died. He was so overwhelmed by the experience that he could not contain himself. He engages a purely aesthetic approach. His desire was to do the ultimate spiritual act in the mind of many mystics, to leave the matters of earth and join with the spiritual. To give up the ghost and merge with the One. Thus he left his body behind and died.
Ben Zoma is said to have been harmed. We understand this to mean that he went mad. When faced with the spiritual reality of the upper realms he became overwhelmed like a person that eats too much honey. It made him sick. However, this sickness was of the mind. He became insane. The kabbalists teach us that when he saw the spiritual world laid-out and displayed for him all he saw was the connectedness of everything. It started with the element of water, he saw how it is an underlying element in everything. He fried his brain on seeing the connections of all things one to another, until all he was left muttering nothing more than, “Water! Water!”
And then there is Acher – which means “the other,” this is the term used of the heretic Rabbi Elisha ben Avuyah. He stands out in our tradition as the ultimate example of an apikores – a heretic, derived from the term “epicurean,” he became some sort of pleasure-seeking gnostic. It is said that he descended to cutting clippings, which our sages say means he cut herbs in order to offer them to idols. Instead of seeing the oneness in everything and being overwhelmed that way, he saw the distinctness and an unconnected nature in things to the point each became a living deity to him. He was permanently harmed spiritually and ethically.
Only one rabbi comes back unharmed, Rabbi Akiva. He alone is able to come and go into this realm in peace. Thus he comes back with his warning for the others, even before they attempt to go there. Do not get overwhelmed, do not cry out, “Water! Water!”
Though Rabbi Akiva’s advice is a bit curious, he doesn’t leave us without an indication as to what it means. He says that when faced with the Divine one should not speak falsehoods. To cry out, “Mayim, mayim / Water, water” he says is a lie. How so? Though not stated, it is hinted by the word itself. Maya means illusion in Hebrew. We thus mystically understand that just like light shimmers and shines off of the surface of water, so too our perception of reality is like an illusion reflected off the ripples of a pond. We don’t really see a true form, just the few distorted pieces of light that catch our eye. Thus the verse Akiva provided tell us not to be dishonest as we stand before G-d, even as he urges us not to follow after illusions.
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I don't know if that will help, but it reminded me of your post, specifically about walking away from a difficult spiritual experience. I wouldn't say it's apostasy, but just being mindful of one's headspace and the limitations of such trips and ethereal states of mind.