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I'm kinda worried.
12 years ago
Lately, I've been trying to find a reason as to why I get my "mood swings"
And I've done some research, watched programs on the illness, and I have every trait, and symptom of manic depression.
My extreme "highs" - where I can be happy, animated, and chaotic, somewhat disruptive, I do stupid things that I don't really take notice of the consequences, I can be extremely hyperactive and annoying to be fair.
Then, I get my extreme lows - Where I go from being happy one minute, second or hour, to being extremely depressed to the point of wanting to bring harm on myself for no reason, to the point where I think harming myself will actually make me feel emotion, pain, when I'm having an extreme low, I feel numb. I can take it out on others, which I do a lot. I hurt them, I push everyone away from me, I can be physically violent, and I don't even consider any of my actions and just put on a blank face, I don't realise what I'm doing, and I know that afterwards when I see what I've done, and how it affects people.
I often think about what life would be like if I were to end it, I had a nasty habit of cutting myself and painting in my own blood so I could feel like I had something in common with something else. I thought I'd create a bond with the painting because it's part of me. I haven't done one for a week now. and before that, I didn't for months.
I wake up in the morning, sometimes extremely happy, sometimes not wanting to ever leave my bed.
I look in the mirror, I hate what I see.
If something is wrong with the way I look, eg my hair; I'll hit myself, burn myself with my straighteners, rip it out, tell myself I'm an ugly, worthless, failure.
And I have to admit. Sometimes I cause arguments with my mother for attention. I never see her, and even arguing with her is still conversation in my opinion. Even though I end up being angry as fuck afterwards.
When I'm depressed, it feels like nothing will ever get better, I feel like shutting myself away for days, I feel like ending my life, but then feeling guilty. I feel guilty for living, because my mother went through so much, bringing me and my disabled brother up all by herself, no help from a father of my brother's or mine, nothing... And then I get suicidal thoughts, why. Why would I throw this gift away.
I hate myself more than anything.
I know it's normal to want to bring harm upon people you hate with your mind. But when I have a fall out with people I care about, when it's me who causes it over the stupidest reasons, I imagine the most horrible things. Crushing people's skulls with objects, giving them slow and painful tortures etc..
Eugh.
I worry myself.
Another thing, I suffer with extreme anxiety, I have panic attacks, sometimes they have no causes, and I have them atleast once a week.
It feels like when I have them, I'm going to die.
I get pulled out of class when I have them, and the class stare at me. They never say anything when I come back in once I've calmed myself down.. And that's worse to be honest. Because I feel like everyone's mocking me, judging me, staring at me, labeling me the freak..
Even though, they tell me no one judges me, and to be honest I don't get bullied, I still feel like an outcast.
I hate it. and I have that whole sleep issue, sometimes I get chronic insomnia, and then I get it where I can't stop sleeping, I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I get migraines all of the time too. I don't know what that means though :I
When I am happy though.. I'm reckless, I do the stupidest of things, I put my life in danger with the things I do. But
I dunno..
I don't know what to think.
I feel like I don't appreciate life as much as I should. I rarely feel any life to me, just no emotion what so ever. I have really lost interest in everything, it's like life's become bland, not even bitter.
I don't look forward to much either, I mean of course I'm excited for those 2 concerts on November the 22nd and 24th (thanks again for helping me raise the money)
but it really brings me down when I think I'm wasting my life, I want to be happy, more than anything. But I can't. Even when I have those "highs" I don't feel happy, I just feel extremely energetic
Do any of you guys know what I can do, because I can't talk to anyone in real life about it.
I get much too paranoid, which causes my fucking panic attacks.
And I've done some research, watched programs on the illness, and I have every trait, and symptom of manic depression.
My extreme "highs" - where I can be happy, animated, and chaotic, somewhat disruptive, I do stupid things that I don't really take notice of the consequences, I can be extremely hyperactive and annoying to be fair.
Then, I get my extreme lows - Where I go from being happy one minute, second or hour, to being extremely depressed to the point of wanting to bring harm on myself for no reason, to the point where I think harming myself will actually make me feel emotion, pain, when I'm having an extreme low, I feel numb. I can take it out on others, which I do a lot. I hurt them, I push everyone away from me, I can be physically violent, and I don't even consider any of my actions and just put on a blank face, I don't realise what I'm doing, and I know that afterwards when I see what I've done, and how it affects people.
I often think about what life would be like if I were to end it, I had a nasty habit of cutting myself and painting in my own blood so I could feel like I had something in common with something else. I thought I'd create a bond with the painting because it's part of me. I haven't done one for a week now. and before that, I didn't for months.
I wake up in the morning, sometimes extremely happy, sometimes not wanting to ever leave my bed.
I look in the mirror, I hate what I see.
If something is wrong with the way I look, eg my hair; I'll hit myself, burn myself with my straighteners, rip it out, tell myself I'm an ugly, worthless, failure.
And I have to admit. Sometimes I cause arguments with my mother for attention. I never see her, and even arguing with her is still conversation in my opinion. Even though I end up being angry as fuck afterwards.
When I'm depressed, it feels like nothing will ever get better, I feel like shutting myself away for days, I feel like ending my life, but then feeling guilty. I feel guilty for living, because my mother went through so much, bringing me and my disabled brother up all by herself, no help from a father of my brother's or mine, nothing... And then I get suicidal thoughts, why. Why would I throw this gift away.
I hate myself more than anything.
I know it's normal to want to bring harm upon people you hate with your mind. But when I have a fall out with people I care about, when it's me who causes it over the stupidest reasons, I imagine the most horrible things. Crushing people's skulls with objects, giving them slow and painful tortures etc..
Eugh.
I worry myself.
Another thing, I suffer with extreme anxiety, I have panic attacks, sometimes they have no causes, and I have them atleast once a week.
It feels like when I have them, I'm going to die.
I get pulled out of class when I have them, and the class stare at me. They never say anything when I come back in once I've calmed myself down.. And that's worse to be honest. Because I feel like everyone's mocking me, judging me, staring at me, labeling me the freak..
Even though, they tell me no one judges me, and to be honest I don't get bullied, I still feel like an outcast.
I hate it. and I have that whole sleep issue, sometimes I get chronic insomnia, and then I get it where I can't stop sleeping, I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I get migraines all of the time too. I don't know what that means though :I
When I am happy though.. I'm reckless, I do the stupidest of things, I put my life in danger with the things I do. But
I dunno..
I don't know what to think.
I feel like I don't appreciate life as much as I should. I rarely feel any life to me, just no emotion what so ever. I have really lost interest in everything, it's like life's become bland, not even bitter.
I don't look forward to much either, I mean of course I'm excited for those 2 concerts on November the 22nd and 24th (thanks again for helping me raise the money)
but it really brings me down when I think I'm wasting my life, I want to be happy, more than anything. But I can't. Even when I have those "highs" I don't feel happy, I just feel extremely energetic
Do any of you guys know what I can do, because I can't talk to anyone in real life about it.
I get much too paranoid, which causes my fucking panic attacks.
I have unmedicated fast cycle bipolar II, myself, and it really doesn't make you feel as liberated as you would think to deal with a serious condition without the use of medication. Yes, on the good days, you may feel proud of yourself for managing to push through the shite that's making life difficult and miserable, but, in the entirety of it all, it's not worth it with severe symptoms- I'm arranging a meeting with a psychiatrist for next month to discuss my options.
There are now a lot of non-addictive minimum side-effect medication for various conditions, including bipolar and anxiety issues, so there's no reason to be nervous- just look into your options. Again, really, the best thing for you would be to see a specialist. I know first-hand the entire thought is really daunting, you're afraid that whoever's going to talk to you will judge you. They won't, honey, even if it feels like it. Just try and be open with whoever you're speaking with, and bring your point and feelings across, they're there to try to help you, even if it's not something that's immediately easy to see.
If you're completely against seeing a specialist, while I would still recommend you do, there are some things I've worked out that seem to help deal with issues, and, while they're not as effective for everyone, or used in the same way, are a lot of help none-the-less. I know what you're going through, honestly, so if you want some more advice on this from personal experience, or just to talk, note me, or add zunefire on skype. (My skype sometimes glitches out, however, so you might want to note me your username just in case so I can add you :3 )
~Maulise
I have Schizoaffective Disorder Bi-Polar Type, so I know how you feel. It's a really tough situation to be in, but if you have the symptoms of Bi-Polar disorder you should really go and see a doctor. It's a very difficult disorder to live with, especially when you're unmedicated and aren't receiving therapy.
But yep. I agree with everything that Maulise said.
If you have any questions about medication or treatment, feel free to ask me :3 I'm also here if you want someone to talk to, my skype is avengingcoconut if you ever need to talk.