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While I was away
12 years ago
Bloody hell, I just realised my last journal entry I posted was over a year ago now. I've not been remembering to check this site much, mostly only checking it on the rare occasions that I actually draw anything. So...I figured I ought to bring anybody wondering up to date on what's been going on in my life since you last heard from me. Things were awful, but they're finally getting better.
If you hadn't noticed, I really wasn't succeeding in pulling myself out of the depressed rut I fell into ever since losing my mum...most of the couple of years since then was a continuous downward spiral. Couldn't motivate myself to draw much at all, or to really even do anything other than trying to sleep through life. My health also went to shit cos I never felt like eating, so I was always too tired to bother with doing anything even when I was awake. Started seriously contemplating suicide bout a year ago, but never got the balls to actually try anything directly.
I'm not asking for sympathy bout any of that. I know I could've been trying harder to get out of that instead of just giving up and being dead inside. I had plenty of moments where I realised how much I was letting myself just fall apart, where I could've tried to do something about it. I'm frustrated with myself for how I was.
Meeting my now-girlfriend bout half a year ago is what finally snapped me out of it. We were just friends for awhile, but we became close friends really quickly...something made it bizarrely easy to open up to her and talk about a lot of things, and we found out early on that we've been through a lot of similar shit in life. I ended up trying to pull myself together so I could be around to talk to her instead of always being sick and spending most of my time in bed. I actually started feeling like I had a reason to live again, and wanting to.
I do want to live for myself now too, but I don't know if I could've gotten there without her. I'm doing better lately, and over the past few months I've felt like I'm finally starting to pick up the pieces and get my life together again. Everything's starting to just feel easier. Most days are actually pretty good now, and the bad is always easier to deal with.
I've also started practicing drawing again, and it's starting to feel less like a chore to do it. I'm really hoping I can get to drawing as often as I used to, and hopefully finally get my commissions queue cleared out. I don't know if I ought to ever take commissions again, since the pressure of paid work always seems to shut me down and make it more difficult to draw. I know I must've said it countless times now, but I'm really sorry for being so unprofessional bout that.
So yeah...I'm still alive (somehow), and things are definitely looking up now. Trying to remember to actually check this site more often, since I've kinda fallen out of the habit of it.
If you hadn't noticed, I really wasn't succeeding in pulling myself out of the depressed rut I fell into ever since losing my mum...most of the couple of years since then was a continuous downward spiral. Couldn't motivate myself to draw much at all, or to really even do anything other than trying to sleep through life. My health also went to shit cos I never felt like eating, so I was always too tired to bother with doing anything even when I was awake. Started seriously contemplating suicide bout a year ago, but never got the balls to actually try anything directly.
I'm not asking for sympathy bout any of that. I know I could've been trying harder to get out of that instead of just giving up and being dead inside. I had plenty of moments where I realised how much I was letting myself just fall apart, where I could've tried to do something about it. I'm frustrated with myself for how I was.
Meeting my now-girlfriend bout half a year ago is what finally snapped me out of it. We were just friends for awhile, but we became close friends really quickly...something made it bizarrely easy to open up to her and talk about a lot of things, and we found out early on that we've been through a lot of similar shit in life. I ended up trying to pull myself together so I could be around to talk to her instead of always being sick and spending most of my time in bed. I actually started feeling like I had a reason to live again, and wanting to.
I do want to live for myself now too, but I don't know if I could've gotten there without her. I'm doing better lately, and over the past few months I've felt like I'm finally starting to pick up the pieces and get my life together again. Everything's starting to just feel easier. Most days are actually pretty good now, and the bad is always easier to deal with.
I've also started practicing drawing again, and it's starting to feel less like a chore to do it. I'm really hoping I can get to drawing as often as I used to, and hopefully finally get my commissions queue cleared out. I don't know if I ought to ever take commissions again, since the pressure of paid work always seems to shut me down and make it more difficult to draw. I know I must've said it countless times now, but I'm really sorry for being so unprofessional bout that.
So yeah...I'm still alive (somehow), and things are definitely looking up now. Trying to remember to actually check this site more often, since I've kinda fallen out of the habit of it.
I'm glad they're getting better and have turned around and there's been light coming into your life again. That's great to hear, even if it's happening slowly. Also congrats on girlfriend!
Commissions are definitely a lot of pressure and I completely understand them burning out inspiration. I'm sure everyone on your list understand what's been going on.
Either way, glad to see more from you! I was extremely worried for the past couple months cause it was nearing/has now been a year. It's relieving to know you're okay. x3
I also do hope that your artistic motivation returns as well. You have always done some fantastic work, and it would be a shame for that to come to an end. Though of course, your happiness is most important and always come first.
Thanks for updating us on how things are going, and I hope that they only continue to improve from here.
But glad to see you update! Wish you the best of luck.
And thanks!
A word of advice, though: if you're going to abbreviate "about", you need the apostrophe at its start i.e. 'bout. Otherwise it means something completely different.
Yeah, I'm well aware that 'bout' is a word itself that means summin else, is just one of a few very lazy shortcuts that I use in very casual typing for very quick and completely informal things. Sorry if it bothers you though.
Keep it up.